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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider polyamory?

156 replies

sweetbutpycho · 26/03/2019 22:07

Has anyone switched from monogamy? We already have in the sense of threesomes and so forth (I'm bisexual) so are we effectively already that way inclined? We have been together 10 years and have done all sorts of weird and beautiful things together plus come through some real shitty times stronger than ever. I would say I become emotionally attached very easily and since coming of hormonal contraception, my sex drive is finally back (albeit stronger than ever!) and I am now more on par with my husbands.... not that sex is what's important here.

Anyway, any thoughts from those who have made this jump? Or know of people who have? All I know is that I am definitely capable of loving more than one - DH has already pointed this out and vocalised what I've been thinking all along.

My faith makes things difficult however, from extensive research I am coming around to the idea. Please make no mistake, we are a professional couple who have worked for all we have and are definitely not 'away with the fairies', this is a general consideration to some degree.

OP posts:
jackparlabane · 27/03/2019 13:47

Polyamory on TV is always going to look like a train wreck, though, because all the stable poly relationships are dismissed by the TV companies as being too boring - and anyone with any sense runs away from the TV firms!

If you've already got children, then definitely don't rush into anything like moving anyone else into your house. One or the other parent going out and visiting their friend who happens to be a friend-with-benefits is much more likely to be feasible.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/03/2019 16:02

You won't find much support as most people not just on here are indoctrinated by the church

Hilarious!

NoCauseRebel · 27/03/2019 16:26

IIRC there is a mn’er who was the child of a polyamorous relationship and she says that she has been left deeply damaged and unable to trust because of it.

Also, many people who advocate the need for polyamorous relationships do so because they essentially want to shag around with their partner’s blessing, although it’s not uncommon for people in such relationships to still have someone on the side that their partner/s are unaware of.

I struggle with this idea that someone who is bisexual should need to have sex with someone of their sex as well as their potential opposite sex partner. Fear of being cheated on is something which people who are bisexual yet in monogamous relationships face as a rejection and it is not helped by the view being put out there that bisexuals will need to have sex with men and women in order to be fulfilled.

If you need to shag multiple partners it’s because you need/want to shag multiple partners, please don’t use being bisexuality as an excuse for that because it has nothing to do with it. And no, I am not bisexual I am heterosexual, but that doesn’t mean that I think it’s acceptable to view bisexuality as a reason to be promiscuous and to cheat on your husband even if that’s with his knowledge.

RomanyQueen1 · 27/03/2019 16:37

I couldn't have done this with the children still at home OP.
but there's nothing wrong with a discreet threesome, you can still love the other person, and it isn't dependant on you living together.

FamilyOfAliens

Hilarious and ironic too, considering we're told to be monogamous, it's interesting what the bible does say for the religious monogamous.

The non religious would probably be interested too.
Monogamy is only the norm for the indoctrinated.

headinhands · 27/03/2019 16:42

I prefer Balamory.

OldAndWornOut · 27/03/2019 16:45

I think it's all made up. Jackanory. Grin

fanfan18 · 27/03/2019 16:46

Laughable that so many people are being nasty to OP when half of their husbands are texting other women and fooling around if you go by the AIBU and Relationships board.

fanfan18 · 27/03/2019 16:47

At least the OP knows whats going on in her relationship!

ScrewyMcScrewup · 27/03/2019 16:59

IIRC there is a mn’er who was the child of a polyamorous relationship and she says that she has been left deeply damaged and unable to trust because of it.

There are quite a few. There's a "poly" poster who creates threads for attention every now and then and people tend to share their experiences on her threads. It's pretty heart breaking.

cantbearsed1 · 27/03/2019 17:02

Not being monogamous is different to a polyamorous relationship. If you have sex with another person that your partner knows about and there is NO way your kids could find out, no big deal. If you are in an actual relationship, then, of course, your kids will know.
And in that case, of course, your kids will suffer from the stigma.
You can talk all you want about how kids suffer stigma because their parents are gay, disabled, etc. But none of those things is a choice. You will be choosing to expose your kids to a very deep stigma.
If you haven't got kids, crack on. I will judge you as people who either have an inadequate relationship or deep-seated problems, but I would also see it as your business as an adult.

cantbearsed1 · 27/03/2019 17:03

fanfan That is an incredibly sad justification of polyamory.

PurpleCrowbar · 27/03/2019 17:08

I have a mate who gave this a go.

She had a bf, her dh had a gf. There were threesomes & foursomes on occasion.

Then her dh got the gf pregnant.

Mate was extremely jealous (she had been unable to have dc). She tried to put a brave face on it, but the cracks started appearing. Lots of rows.

Then the gf decided she'd rather be in a monogamous relationship with the father of her dc, really. & if that wasn't an option fair enough, but then she'd go it alone.

The dh - who was head over heels with joy at the prospect of fatherhood & couldn't quite grasp why his dw was suddenly miserable & angry all the time - decided it would be nicest (certainly for him) if he left his dw & set up with gf & dc.

My mate was devastated. She turned to her bf for comfort. He decided that a full on relationship with a furious, betrayed woman, who was still really in love with her xh, was not what he'd signed up to & bailed out too.

My friend is now, a few years on, happily in a new relationship, but the whole thing was an appalling mess at the time & caused huge amounts of misery. She definitely wouldn't go there ever again!

I also know one group who make it work brilliantly, to be fair, but then again they're all older, with grown up families & seem to be having a LOT of fun - without anyone taking it too seriously. Probably more swingers than polyamorists; I gather it's all about the bed hopping, no suggestion of love or LTRs.

RomanyQueen1 · 27/03/2019 17:30

purple

There has been a surge in Baby boomers and gen x? I believe, taking up swinging and opening up their relationships.
It's like anything else it works for those with a strong relationship the most important being good communicators.
From what I have read it is about bed hopping but a lot of cases it's a bit on the side for both or either as regularly as they want it to happen.

OutwithMyRemit · 27/03/2019 17:47

My SIL is polyamorous and it works for her, has done for a few years. She has one main partner (who she sees most often and brings to family events, though she is "out" to everyone even her parents as poly, no-one judges) and at the moment I think 3 secondary ones (mostly seem to be FWB type arrangements). She says you have to be organised, and that it's very hard to do once any parties have children - just because there's a lot less free time available for each relationship (in fact that reminds me I have a friend who used to be poly, but after having kids she's now monogamous with their dad). It isn't for me, but I've seen it work fine for a few people, providing everyone concerned is happy with it.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/03/2019 18:16

Monogamy is only the norm for the indoctrinated.

Even more hilarious!

RomanyQueen1 · 27/03/2019 18:20

family

Do you always find historical FACTS hilarious Confused
Perhaps you can sit in a lecture with me and tell the class how you find their lesson hilarious.

ZaZathecat · 27/03/2019 18:25

I knew someone who was/is polyamorous. However, she ended up divorced from her dh/father of her children as, despite agreeing to it, he couldn't handle her loving someone else, and she is jealous of her lover's other lovers. I'm not convinced it can work!

Marchinupandownagain · 27/03/2019 19:05

DS1 (30s) has been in a stable poly group for at least five years and we have met his three partners, they are all lovely. You might want to listen to people who are making it work rather than people saying "oh, how ridiculous, nasty, can't work" based on zero experience?
There are plenty of fora around online. Have a look, have a think - but it does take work (monogamous me thinks too much for me even if I wanted to, which I don't), total openness, honesty and careful attention to sexual health.

Hazeintheclouds · 27/03/2019 19:13

OldAndWornOut

I think it's all made up. Jackanory. grin

🤣

YemenRoadYemen · 27/03/2019 19:23

You might want to listen to people who are making it work

Well, quite. Hence my earlier wondering as to why you'd come onto a parenting website, of all Godforsaken places, to get advice on this. Grin

Honestly, it's kind of funny. I mean, I know MN is a huge community, with wide and varied members, but come on. If you want genuine advice, don't just blast out into the internet.

It reeks of ... something ... ...

GummyGoddess · 27/03/2019 19:55

Of the couples I know with a setup like this, none are happy. One of them is in love with one of their 'friends' and although they're allowed to sleep together they aren't allowed to be planning on divorcing their partners and marrying each other. I definitely think that's the case of they've met the right person and have both royally messed up their love lives and are going to cause a lot of pain.

Another couple are actually old friends of my mum. Their children find it disgusting and have a hard time trusting anyone enough to form a relationship. The wife doesn't want to do it anymore, she just wants her husband to herself. However the husband wants to keep his girlfriend and said that either the wife has to accept it or they will split so he can continue his lifestyle. She's been miserable for years and years!

If you want to do it then crack on, just keep the children out of it and don't introduce them to whoever you're shagging. There majority of children do not want to think of their parents having sex, let alone their parents announcing that they're also having sex with someone else. You can't just have a new relationship, introduce them to the children and expect the children to treat the new person like a third parent. You shouldn't do that in monogamous couples, the poly angle just makes it more confusing.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 20:21

I'd be concerned the op wished to bring another woman into the relarionship because this is what her husband wishes, and deep down she's doing it so she doesn't loose him.

Hence why I'm curious what gender the third person would be.

PengAly · 27/03/2019 20:27

OP you wont find much support on here as Mumsnet and aibu is full of small minded pearl clutchers.
Its not my cup of tea but as long as you both are happy and nobody is getting hurt then do as you please! Its definitely not attention seeking and the will somebody think of the children attitude is ridiculous. My advice, seek a specialist forum and make sure you and your DH are speaking open and honestly about this.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/03/2019 20:34

Do you always find historical FACTS hilarious

Yes. Always.

Perhaps you can sit in a lecture with me and tell the class how you find their lesson hilarious.

Oh do get over yourself.

RomanyQueen1 · 27/03/2019 20:51

Family

Your always welcome. Grin However, the 18 year olds aren't sniggering and finding it hilarious.

OP, try looking at some of the many sites for this type of stuff, my research has found no problem accessing lots of case studies, stats, facts and opinions.

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