To consider polyamory?

[sweetbutpycho]

Has anyone switched from monogamy? We already have in the sense of threesomes and so forth (I'm bisexual) so are we effectively already that way inclined? We have been together 10 years and have done all sorts of weird and beautiful things together plus come through some real shitty times stronger than ever. I would say I become emotionally attached very easily and since coming of hormonal contraception, my sex drive is finally back (albeit stronger than ever!) and I am now more on par with my husbands.... not that sex is what's important here.

Anyway, any thoughts from those who have made this jump? Or know of people who have? All I know is that I am definitely capable of loving more than one - DH has already pointed this out and vocalised what I've been thinking all along.

My faith makes things difficult however, from extensive research I am coming around to the idea. Please make no mistake, we are a professional couple who have worked for all we have and are definitely not 'away with the fairies', this is a general consideration to some degree.

I sort of honk his shoulder be in relationship forum rather than aibu.

name amazing autocorrect. I only want to honk one person’s shoulder, but I do have a friend who is in a polyamorous relationship, and he honks two women’s shoulders, one of who has another male partner. The two men do not honk shoulders. They are very happy with the situation.

The only other I love is our cat.

I know of a threesome that lived together and raised their families as one.
They were together for about 30years and then the man died and the 2 women are now in a relationship together.
I'd personally hate it but I guess it worked for them.

I’ve recently asked my husband to seriously consider it. He’s open to the idea but we’re still debating the finer points really. I’m concerned about the children of course but I don’t see why my having a second committed and loving relationship should necessarily negatively impact them, not if it’s managed responsibly and the children aren’t introduced too soon etc. I guess it helps that mine are older, maybe...

Anyway, a poly relationship is something I’ve been considering for years and only just had the confidence to speak up about with my husband. I love him, he’s my soulmate, my rock, my everything in many ways but he doesn’t reflect every part of my personality. I will never, ever leave him but I feel I have room in my heart and life for someone else, someone who is his opposite in some ways I guess. He knows all this and agrees with me to a large extent.

I guess what’s holding me back is fear, sad but true.

You might have better luck posting this almost anywhere else OP. AIBU is probably the worst forum you could have chosen! Try relationships.

To answer your question, it's not for me but if it makes everyone in the relationship happy then fill your boots, it's no bother to me.

Agree with pp, attention seeking and to do it and drag children into it is bloody selfish!

I think that, like all relationships, the first few years are usually great but ultimately it takes a lot of time, energy and commitment to really stay connected with your partner. The more people in the mix, the more needs and insecurities, the more time and attention needed to keep the relationship strong is just harder I think.

For me, I love the special intimate bond you get with a single partner. The fact that I am the exclusive chosen partner makes the relationship really solid. I would not want my dh sharing personal intimacy with someone else, whether that is physical, sexual or emotional.

Yes, we could all have fun together but that lifelong bond is more than just fun.

The people I know in polyamorous relationships do have other issues going on in their lives and being together is really just the easiest option rather than the best.

For example, a friend of mine is a transman in a gay/bi relationship with another transman and that transman's female girlfriend. Basically, it's two males and a female but not a penis between them. My friend tells me that he doesn't think any man will ever want a relationship with him. So I personally think this polyamorous relationship is convenient for him right now but not particularly fulfilling.

That's just one example.

Actually if you read the many previous threads about this, you’ll find that most people think it’s self-indulgent bullshit.

Oh yes i've read them, and that is certainly one of the takes. :)

I’d feel for the kids here on so many levels

I do know a couple who are polymorous. Is that the right word? From the outside it looks really fraught with difficulty. They are all committed to it, but it’s very hard. They have kids too. The issues include; isolation (feel way too conspicuous even going out for dinner); roles; work; jealousy. The BIGGEST is kids, who get stigmatised and also have feelings about their parents e.g. why is Dad letting another man share his wife? Having to basically police check to make sure they aren’t exposing their kids to dodgy people.

Bit of a nightmare. I wouldn’t. Having children is a step too far I think.

I'm too bloody exhausted with 1 let alone more!

For consenting adults I'm sure it can be worked out. If dc are going to be aware of it then it becomes rather self indulgent.

Ployamory is shagging other folk, right?

Crack on OP

I think people searching for others to complete them are more drawn to this. I don't think a partner needs to share every part of who you are or satisfy that. I think if you are looking for someone to fulfill all those needs you'll never be happy. Not with one partner, or 20. I wonder how someone who feels the need for more partners will ever handle being alone.

Surge 🤣

Stargazer - i'm perfectly happy alone. 'Solo poly' is an accepted status within the community. I know plenty of mono ppl who cant bear to be out of a relationship either. Most things poly is criticised for can easily be found in most mono relationships too, i find.

I think it's a terrible idea. Most of the people I know who've done this have ended up ruining their marriage. It's just a whole heap of trouble and causing issues in your marriage and for what gain? So you can shag someone else? It really does sound like sex is the most important thing here. If it isn't then why even do this?

However, I'm not you. So really it doesn't matter what I think. If you and your DH want to do it then that's up to you.

Not for me but I can't see an issue if and your partner are both up for the idea, and if you take care of each other - discuss boundaries, don't do anything without mutual agreement etc. Also it goes without saying that you should ensure your kids remain blissfully unaware. Not sure why polyamory seems to get people so annoyed, really.

Myself and loads of people I know tried this in our 20s. I rapidly came to the conclusion that it is for people who are not actually that committed to one another, are afraid of committing to other people, are actually very shallow in their relationships, and deep down are not very happy or secure people who use sex as a way to make themselves more 'interesting'. Or self-indulgent attention seeking as others have put it above!

Committing to one relationship is enough, caring for one person's emotional needs is enough. When you add children into the mix, and their complex and demanding emotional needs, it is unimaginable that you would have the time or the emotional energy to even contemplate spreading yourself around all over the place. Sounds like you need to do a bit of growing up!

If sex is not what's important here, then what is exactly.? There must be something lacking in your relationship if the two of you aren't enough for one another. Will you not feel jealousy that your husband loves some one as much as he loves you? What if he ends up loving her more? Would your husband be so up for it if you brought another man into the equation, or is it all about what he wants?

You can't love two people equally romantically or sexually..somebody will come second, and you could lose everything you currently hold dear. I'd be asking myself if the thrill of doing it was worth that very heavy price. My answer would be no. Love the man you have already and make that work.

Hi @sweetbutpycho

There's a fabulous poly forum on Fetlife, lots of poly (and other) people there. You'd get more measured answers from both poly and others. Good luck, but your main consideration is the strength of your relationship, your bond needs to be rock solid.

If you want to not only fuck other people but have relationships with them too then what is the point in being married?

I think you’re coming to the realisation you don’t find your partner attractive enough. In your case I don’t think polyamory is the solution. You won’t fundamentally feel that you’ve fixed what is wrong after you’ve explored it. I think dissatisfaction with your partner is at the root of it

I really couldn't be bothered with all that it sounds like too much hard work 😴