Who is being unreasonable here?!

[Dera1234]

So, DM has a history of kicking off and drama and I've always been a bit of a black sheep.

My first Mother's Day on Sunday. Really excited but not wanting a fuss. Just a lie in, a cuppa in bed and maybe a walk with DP, DS and DSS later.

I was spanning on speaking to my siblings and explaining that we have a busy day (always leave mid afternoon to drop DSS home and spend time with DP Mum so she can spend time with DS.

My thoughts were, maybe do brunch with my DM, have a walk, then go see DP Mum and spend some time with her.

Anyhow, get a message explaining a table has been booked early Sunday afternoon with loads of family, my DM Mum's side. Can we all go. I explain that we have DSS and not sure what our plans are etc. Cue immediately shitty response (she has form for this) saying how difficult I am. Then I explain that we're just trying to keep everyone happy and also try and have a bit of time for me to do what I want to do as it's my first one. Get told to have a nice Mother's Day at home, and she just wanted some time with her children (fwiw I make the effort to ensure she sees DS 2/3/4 times a week and she sees the rest of us just as much.

This was weeks ago, so obviously we hadn't even spoken about plans for Mother's Day at this point. Me and DP dabble with the idea of going and then taking his DM for a meal, but frankly we just can't afford it. We've just moved, we're still paying for the old house and it just seems like a huge ask for a simple day. I want to show them both we love them and appreciate everything they do for us but we just can't afford that.

I've sat on it for a few weeks and after a wine decided it was ridiculous and that we would just ensure we saw both DM on the day and spend some quality time giving gifts, cards etc.

Cue tonight, had arranged to see DM and was going to carefully bring it up, and she's not home. So I speak to my DF. He is of the opinion that we should go for this meal with them and not take DP DM for a meal instead another day I've explained I think it's unfair and if it were just me and DP it wouldn't be such an issue but now we have DS she's going to want to spend time with him, and DSS on Mother's Day.

DP Mum hasn't requested anything. We've done them all some hand painted plant pots with the boys' handprints etc and cards. We will give these to her and would have taken her for a cup of tea somewhere.

It's looking like we're going to have to sick up this meal to keep the peace and hope to go DP Mum doesn't find out we've gone for a meal with my Mum and her two GC, one of whom isn't my DM GC! I'd be so hurt in that scenario.

She has form for this and I want to out my foot down, but I also don't want it to blow up, especially over bloody Mother's Day. I just wanted a lovely chilled out day, to see DM and DP Mum with the kids and thought everyone would be happy.

My Great Nan died last year and I think they're all rallying together for her daughters (my DNan and Great Aunties) which I get, and I would like to go. But going would mean we don't get a walk, and we would get to DP Mum's way too late to do anything but a quick hi, shovel tea down DS then leave to get home for his bedtime.

Please someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable!? I really would have thought she'd have wanted me to really enjoy my first Mother's Day. Not be stressed to high hell over keeping her happy.

Any advice on how to solve this too would be greatly appreciated.

[Happynow001]

OMG @Dera1234 - following your last update your "family" sound positively poisonous. What on Earth have they got against you that you are treated in this way? Why do they feel they own you (rhetorical question). Time to withdraw I think and cut them all out for a while or at least go low contact - they don't care about you except for you to live your live how THEY want you to. Don't react to their orders- live your own life as you see fit and leave them to stew in their own bile. Sending you a hug.

[AJPTaylor]

Now you are a mother it is time to stand up for yourself and step away.

[FriarTuck]

Your family are hideous. To be honest I'd cut DM out completely for Mother's Day because she's at the back of this stirring. And it'll give you a bit of extra relaxing time instead of rushing around and feeling pissed off at her. Your texts to Sis were great. And you're doing the right thing by MIL, making DP's Ex happy (which makes for a better relationship with DSS which makes you happy) so that's fab too, and you get YOUR Mother's Day. It sounds like your DM isn't happy unless she's the priority and sometimes you have to accept that others are a priority too. She could have been grateful that you'd made time in a hectic day and tried to please everyone but she didn't so bollocks to her. Enjoy your day WITHOUT DM.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I can't believe these people have got you so far in the FOG you can't see the wood for the trees. They are vile to you and your life will be so much nicer without them.

[fourcanaries]

Your children come first. Do what YOU want with them.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

Don't doubt that you are in the right here. As @FriarTuck says, you and DP are maintaining a good relationship with his ex and if you can do that you are a nice person, willing to compromise and put someone else's needs (DSS) before your own. Sometimes even doing all that isn't enough, if the other party isn't willing to meet you half way.

Enjoy Mothers' Day. You have said you normally see your DM several times a week and are grateful for all she does/has done for you. Only you can decide if it is worth the hassle to maintain this relationship.

[Dera1234]

Thanks everyone. This is crazy just how it's making me realise how wrong so much stuff they do is. I'm so fed up of it.

DS have just been for a lovely walk in the sunshine and off to work later so I've got some nice distractions. Then an awesome fun filled weekend with DSS so should be easy enough to forget about all this. Just waiting for the next tirade to come.

You Mumsnetters are absolutely fab! Thank you so so much.

I'm thinking at some point some sort of counselling may be an idea to sort this all out properly in my head. Whilst I know it's probably best to cut them out, when it's going well, it's really great and I love them to bits. Think I'm just scared of not having family. Plus my Mum would vindicate me to the whole extended family again.

[regularbutpanickingabit]

HI Dera. Did you manage to have a decent Mother's Day? I genuinely hope so.

[Dera1234]

Hi @regularbutpanickingabit it was lovely thanks! We didn't quite get out for our walk, and ultimately did spend the day making sure mil and DM were seen and happy but just spending time with the boys and DP was fab. I got my cuppa in bed too!

My DM has actually been fine in all her communication with me, and when we went over yesterday. Thankfully I haven't run into my sister yet.

Did you have a nice day?

[regularbutpanickingabit]

Yay! Well done you. So glad it went well after all. Even if she kicks off again in the future and throws it back at you, you can be happy that you made compromises that worked for you and that was good. Mine was very chilled and very good. It is easy to offer advice to others but it took me a good 10 years to realise I was allowed to be celebrated on Mother's Day as well so you are definitely not alone!

[ScabbyHorse]

Well done for having a good day and for standing up to your family. I would recommend therapy with someone who understands this kind of family dynamic. 💐

[Dera1234]

I'm so glad you had a nice day too.

I really can't express how thankful I am for the support. It's all very well DP having my back (although he is very logical and calm) but having so many people say no this is ridiculous really helps.

I will definitely look into some sort of counselling or therapy in the future, perhaps when we've got some extra cash.

Thanks again everyone x