Who is being unreasonable here?!

[Dera1234]

So, DM has a history of kicking off and drama and I've always been a bit of a black sheep.

My first Mother's Day on Sunday. Really excited but not wanting a fuss. Just a lie in, a cuppa in bed and maybe a walk with DP, DS and DSS later.

I was spanning on speaking to my siblings and explaining that we have a busy day (always leave mid afternoon to drop DSS home and spend time with DP Mum so she can spend time with DS.

My thoughts were, maybe do brunch with my DM, have a walk, then go see DP Mum and spend some time with her.

Anyhow, get a message explaining a table has been booked early Sunday afternoon with loads of family, my DM Mum's side. Can we all go. I explain that we have DSS and not sure what our plans are etc. Cue immediately shitty response (she has form for this) saying how difficult I am. Then I explain that we're just trying to keep everyone happy and also try and have a bit of time for me to do what I want to do as it's my first one. Get told to have a nice Mother's Day at home, and she just wanted some time with her children (fwiw I make the effort to ensure she sees DS 2/3/4 times a week and she sees the rest of us just as much.

This was weeks ago, so obviously we hadn't even spoken about plans for Mother's Day at this point. Me and DP dabble with the idea of going and then taking his DM for a meal, but frankly we just can't afford it. We've just moved, we're still paying for the old house and it just seems like a huge ask for a simple day. I want to show them both we love them and appreciate everything they do for us but we just can't afford that.

I've sat on it for a few weeks and after a wine decided it was ridiculous and that we would just ensure we saw both DM on the day and spend some quality time giving gifts, cards etc.

Cue tonight, had arranged to see DM and was going to carefully bring it up, and she's not home. So I speak to my DF. He is of the opinion that we should go for this meal with them and not take DP DM for a meal instead another day I've explained I think it's unfair and if it were just me and DP it wouldn't be such an issue but now we have DS she's going to want to spend time with him, and DSS on Mother's Day.

DP Mum hasn't requested anything. We've done them all some hand painted plant pots with the boys' handprints etc and cards. We will give these to her and would have taken her for a cup of tea somewhere.

It's looking like we're going to have to sick up this meal to keep the peace and hope to go DP Mum doesn't find out we've gone for a meal with my Mum and her two GC, one of whom isn't my DM GC! I'd be so hurt in that scenario.

She has form for this and I want to out my foot down, but I also don't want it to blow up, especially over bloody Mother's Day. I just wanted a lovely chilled out day, to see DM and DP Mum with the kids and thought everyone would be happy.

My Great Nan died last year and I think they're all rallying together for her daughters (my DNan and Great Aunties) which I get, and I would like to go. But going would mean we don't get a walk, and we would get to DP Mum's way too late to do anything but a quick hi, shovel tea down DS then leave to get home for his bedtime.

Please someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable!? I really would have thought she'd have wanted me to really enjoy my first Mother's Day. Not be stressed to high hell over keeping her happy.

Any advice on how to solve this too would be greatly appreciated.

[Cherrysoup]

Just spoke to DP and he's saying he'll back me whatever but suggested speaking to his Mum and explaining and asking if she would be happy doing something another weekend. That just feels so shitty though, just to appease my DM!

You’re right @Dera1234, that is pretty shitty. Sod your siblings, they should be backing you up on this! Make a stand or you’ll be repeating this behaviour for years to come. Mine took 2 weeks to come round after I bollocked her. She has more to lose, my sibling is in another country.

[yearinyearout]

You have my sympathy! It's the sort of thing my Dm has been doing for years. Every Mother's Day she not only gives me gift ideas (including "this year can I just have the money for Mother's Day?) but tries to organise a big meal out in her own honour. I have my own dc so actually I prefer to spend most of my day just the four of us doing as I please, so I don't get involved in the big family meal out anymore. We pop in to see both our DMs with a gift but that's it.
Would it be doable (if you do actually want to go for this meal) to get over to your MIL earlyish....maybe there's somewhere nice near hers to go for a nice walk with the dc and take her for tea/cake, then make it back for the meal with your family.

[BeanTownNancy]

Does your own DM live close by? I'd tell her outright "we can't afford a meal out, but will cook you something special if you come to ours another evening". A good parent is supportive of their children's financial situation and won't make demands that might cause their children stress. If DM thinks MIL can get bumped to a different day no problem, then there's no reason DM can't get bumped just as easily.

[Bishbashthrash]

I'd take your mil out for breakfast, then drop your dss off early so he can spend the day with his mum then I'd go to the lunch with your family.

Actually I'd call your mum out on her bullshit and tell her you'll pop in to see her before your family walk.

[Dera1234]

Thanks for the responses guys. Unfortunately DP Mum lives an hour and a half away, as does DSS, so the logistics of going over there then coming back then going back to drop DSS off are tricky, unless DSS Mum would like him home early. And also, of we do that I haven't got a cat in hells chance of a lie in, cuppa in bed, or a walk. Which feels a bit shit really.

Also not sure whether DP Mum would be up for breakfast out or not. We'd have to leave at 11 from here to get back for the meal which would mean getting to hers about 8/9 which would mean leaving at 6:30/7:30 so getting up at 5:30/6:30 to feed DS and sort him out. Just feels ridiculous.

I think I am going to have to take a stand. I just know I wimp out and it's going to make me feel so shit. I feel like I'm second guessing myself too when my DF and siblings all get involved. My brother's coming back from uni 300 miles away for this meal!

The offering for her to come to dinner sounds a good one, that way if she refuses it totally obliterates what they've said about doing that for DP Mum.

The other thought I have is we bought her and my sister a spa day for Xmas so could suggest we all go for that next weekend or something. Just don't think she'd accept that as being good enough.

[Dera1234]

@BeanTownNancy yes she's literally 10 mins down the road.

[Dera1234]

She's going to pull the whole DP Mum being more important, or not prioritise my family, as opposed to DPs Mum and DSS, and my own family. Eugh. Pray to God I'm not like this when DS gets older.

[TheYoungOffendersMum]

MIL - tea and cake, take her a nice one and a nice pack of tea she wouldn't usually have, in the morning? And explain the drama on your side and that if she would like, you will cook something for her or with her soon, because it means seeing her again (I'm guessing you see less of her?).

Your mum sounds a cow. If OH's ex is happy to have dss back sooner, then seeing MIL in the morning would work. You could even make the cake yourselves.

I won't see my dm, she's off on holiday and my OHs mum is very far away. So it'll just be the four of us. Do you a swap, so you get your family weekend and I get to see our mums. Though if my mum was like yours, I wouldn't want to see her.

[Dera1234]

@TheYoungOffendersMum that's not a bad idea at all. She would understand totally, she knows what my DM is like, but that just feels a bit cruel. Especially as my DM is surrounded by family and my siblings and her DH sadly passed away a few years ago, her other DS isn't really into the whole family thing and she doesn't have much family.

We do see a fair bit of her, with having DSS every other weekend, then she comes and stays when DP is away, or I go over with DS for the day sometimes. We try to make sure she's not missing out on DS growing up with there being a bit of a distance.

I'm so sorry you won't get to see your DM, but hopefully you'll be able to have a lovely non Mother's Day Mother's Day when she gets back.

DSS Mum might be happy to, I just don't want her to think we don't want him there or something if you get me? Would only want to do that if she genuinely would want them all there on Mother's Day. DSS sister will be with her Dad until later on anyway so I imagine they won't be doing much in the day.

[TheYoungOffendersMum]

I know what you mean about stepkids other parent thinking you don't want them there. Have had stepkids in the past, can be hard.

And thanks, since moving back to the same town we see each other several times a week anyway. But OHs mum is hundreds of miles from us. I think one of his brothers is visiting her at the moment so she's not on her own. But we would all love to see more of her, she's brilliant.

Attending a meal with your dm isn't as personal as taking or baking and taking a cake over, or cooking for her. I reckon your MIL would see that too. I would. I love it when people put that kind of effort into something. Even if it ends up bad/ burnt etc.

[Dera1234]

It's hard isn't it. Luckily we all get on well but you're still always worrying about doing the wrong thing.

I'm glad you get to see your DM now. Just sad that you don't get to see your Mil. Especially as you like her! From being on Mumsnet I feel a mil you get on with is very rare!!!

You're absolutely right there. My last cake I made her she couldn't eat it was awful, but she ate it and pretended it was good! I'll have to have another attempt! Although I'm thinking I'm leaning more towards not going to this meal. It's about time my DM realised I am an adult with a family of my own. Screw what she thinks. I've pandered for so long. And then I've had zero contact for months on end so however she reacts I'll be alright.

Families hey!?

[PregnantSea]

Just send them both a card with some flowers and if anyone asks again about arrangements just say your kids and DP have planned stuff for you that day so it will have to be at another time.

Good grief, people get so bloody precious about these things! I haven't lived near my mum in a long time so maybe it's different for me, but she gets a card and a phonecall every year and that's pretty much it. The year before I emigrated I spoilt her and took her out for afternoon tea and shopping because I knew it would be our last together, but that was a special case.

She hasn't really expected anything more, and neither would I. I swear when I was a kid you just made your mum a card and some sort of craft item (plant pot, hand drawn picture etc) and that was it. I didn't even think adults really acknowledged their mum's on mother's Day, I thought it was just for little kids. How times change.

[Dera1234]

You've all given the me the confidence to attempt to stand up to her today. Wish me luck! And thank you all so much for your replies

[mbosnz]

I'm glad you're standing up to her. And don't let her, your siblings, or your father pile in on you to try and make their lives easier by forcing you to back down.

Let her have her tanty.

Please do not negotiate or give in to terrorists - be they your DC when they reach toddlerdom, or your mother, who should have a lot more generosity and grace of spirit at her age.

She knows very well that your DH's Mum is relatively so alone, and she is always surrounded by her -spineless- loving family, cannot she be a little bit more compassionate and thoughtful for others?

[CheshireChat]

When my mum visited us from abroad when DS was a newborn, DP's parents kicked off that they either had to invite her as well for Christmas or not see us .

[FrenchJunebug]

this is why I hate made up 'event days'. In the grand scheme of things who care about Mother's day?! I'd rather my child tells me and shows me he loves me everyday than on the day he is being told to!

[Happynow001]

@Dera1234
You are an adult now as well as a parent/step-parent and you really need to take your own responsibility for this or things will never change!

Your mother is:
so lovely and loving and just awesome.
only when she is getting her own way apparently - has she always been like this? She is bullying you and all her acolytes (inc your DF) are going along with this because it makes their lives easier if you capitulate.

Please draw a line in the sand and set the expectations (YOUR expectations) for the next event your DM tries to bully you into.

No it's not easy - but the alternative is to be always under the thumb.

[TabbyMumz]

I think now you have a child, you celebrate Mothers day as you want to. Decline the meal, but instead send a card and gift and leave it there. You cannot demand grown up children home for a meal with you when they have children of their own.

[FriarTuck]

I think you either prioritise DP's mum as she's not being remotely demanding and therefore should be treated better, or you refuse to see either of them and prioritise yourself. You certainly shouldn't be jumping through hoops for someone who has no consideration for anyone else's feelings. That's just rewarding bad behaviour. You'll not allow DC to do it so don't let her!

[SandyY2K]

I think you strive to please your DM and consequently enable her selfish behaviour.

You're scared to rock the boat and seem to feel obligated to bow down.

Thats something therapy can help with.

[Hersheys]

Your a good person, I wouldn't have half the patience and id have told my DM no from the start. I'd have said it's only fair to also be able to see DP DM and if she can't arrange an hour that day for you to see her then you won't be seeing her at all. Simple as that

[Cherim90]

I don't think you're being unfair if you can't afford it then you can't afford it! It's Mother's Day and not about money and that's what a lot of people forget about! A simple card and coffee date etc to say thanks for being your mum should be enough! Plans should be made together so you could have voiced your money concerns first x

[purplepears]

Can't DP's mum join you for the meal?

[user1497787065]

When deciding how to deal with this situation this year consider how you will deal with the situation in the years to come. Also think about dividing time at Christmas. It sounds like a big deal to your mum, possibly Christmas even more of a big deal??

I dealt with it by not bothering at all. I understand that others love it but I don't want or expect cards or gifts from my own children for Mothering Sunday or my birthday.

[SnapesGreasyHair]

Ah, I wish I had the balls for that but there'd be absolute uproar! Things have only gotten better in the last 18 months between me and my parents and I don't want it to go downhill again.

If you're not prepared to stand up for yourself then there is no point moaning about the situation. Nothing will change if you don't make the change.

And that is fine IF you're happy with your DM being the most important. If you are happy with this then you need to accept that you'll never get to do what you want.... which is again fine IF you can come to terms with that and not be back on here making another thread about the same issue when the next special occasion arrives