Who is being unreasonable here?!

[Dera1234]

So, DM has a history of kicking off and drama and I've always been a bit of a black sheep.

My first Mother's Day on Sunday. Really excited but not wanting a fuss. Just a lie in, a cuppa in bed and maybe a walk with DP, DS and DSS later.

I was spanning on speaking to my siblings and explaining that we have a busy day (always leave mid afternoon to drop DSS home and spend time with DP Mum so she can spend time with DS.

My thoughts were, maybe do brunch with my DM, have a walk, then go see DP Mum and spend some time with her.

Anyhow, get a message explaining a table has been booked early Sunday afternoon with loads of family, my DM Mum's side. Can we all go. I explain that we have DSS and not sure what our plans are etc. Cue immediately shitty response (she has form for this) saying how difficult I am. Then I explain that we're just trying to keep everyone happy and also try and have a bit of time for me to do what I want to do as it's my first one. Get told to have a nice Mother's Day at home, and she just wanted some time with her children (fwiw I make the effort to ensure she sees DS 2/3/4 times a week and she sees the rest of us just as much.

This was weeks ago, so obviously we hadn't even spoken about plans for Mother's Day at this point. Me and DP dabble with the idea of going and then taking his DM for a meal, but frankly we just can't afford it. We've just moved, we're still paying for the old house and it just seems like a huge ask for a simple day. I want to show them both we love them and appreciate everything they do for us but we just can't afford that.

I've sat on it for a few weeks and after a wine decided it was ridiculous and that we would just ensure we saw both DM on the day and spend some quality time giving gifts, cards etc.

Cue tonight, had arranged to see DM and was going to carefully bring it up, and she's not home. So I speak to my DF. He is of the opinion that we should go for this meal with them and not take DP DM for a meal instead another day I've explained I think it's unfair and if it were just me and DP it wouldn't be such an issue but now we have DS she's going to want to spend time with him, and DSS on Mother's Day.

DP Mum hasn't requested anything. We've done them all some hand painted plant pots with the boys' handprints etc and cards. We will give these to her and would have taken her for a cup of tea somewhere.

It's looking like we're going to have to sick up this meal to keep the peace and hope to go DP Mum doesn't find out we've gone for a meal with my Mum and her two GC, one of whom isn't my DM GC! I'd be so hurt in that scenario.

She has form for this and I want to out my foot down, but I also don't want it to blow up, especially over bloody Mother's Day. I just wanted a lovely chilled out day, to see DM and DP Mum with the kids and thought everyone would be happy.

My Great Nan died last year and I think they're all rallying together for her daughters (my DNan and Great Aunties) which I get, and I would like to go. But going would mean we don't get a walk, and we would get to DP Mum's way too late to do anything but a quick hi, shovel tea down DS then leave to get home for his bedtime.

Please someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable!? I really would have thought she'd have wanted me to really enjoy my first Mother's Day. Not be stressed to high hell over keeping her happy.

Any advice on how to solve this too would be greatly appreciated.

[Dera1234]

I'm so glad you had a nice day too.

I really can't express how thankful I am for the support. It's all very well DP having my back (although he is very logical and calm) but having so many people say no this is ridiculous really helps.

I will definitely look into some sort of counselling or therapy in the future, perhaps when we've got some extra cash.

Thanks again everyone x

[ScabbyHorse]

Well done for having a good day and for standing up to your family. I would recommend therapy with someone who understands this kind of family dynamic. 💐

[regularbutpanickingabit]

Yay! Well done you. So glad it went well after all. Even if she kicks off again in the future and throws it back at you, you can be happy that you made compromises that worked for you and that was good. Mine was very chilled and very good. It is easy to offer advice to others but it took me a good 10 years to realise I was allowed to be celebrated on Mother's Day as well so you are definitely not alone!

[Dera1234]

Hi @regularbutpanickingabit it was lovely thanks! We didn't quite get out for our walk, and ultimately did spend the day making sure mil and DM were seen and happy but just spending time with the boys and DP was fab. I got my cuppa in bed too!

My DM has actually been fine in all her communication with me, and when we went over yesterday. Thankfully I haven't run into my sister yet.

Did you have a nice day?

[regularbutpanickingabit]

HI Dera. Did you manage to have a decent Mother's Day? I genuinely hope so.

[Dera1234]

Thanks everyone. This is crazy just how it's making me realise how wrong so much stuff they do is. I'm so fed up of it.

DS have just been for a lovely walk in the sunshine and off to work later so I've got some nice distractions. Then an awesome fun filled weekend with DSS so should be easy enough to forget about all this. Just waiting for the next tirade to come.

You Mumsnetters are absolutely fab! Thank you so so much.

I'm thinking at some point some sort of counselling may be an idea to sort this all out properly in my head. Whilst I know it's probably best to cut them out, when it's going well, it's really great and I love them to bits. Think I'm just scared of not having family. Plus my Mum would vindicate me to the whole extended family again.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

Don't doubt that you are in the right here. As @FriarTuck says, you and DP are maintaining a good relationship with his ex and if you can do that you are a nice person, willing to compromise and put someone else's needs (DSS) before your own. Sometimes even doing all that isn't enough, if the other party isn't willing to meet you half way.

Enjoy Mothers' Day. You have said you normally see your DM several times a week and are grateful for all she does/has done for you. Only you can decide if it is worth the hassle to maintain this relationship.

[fourcanaries]

Your children come first. Do what YOU want with them.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I can't believe these people have got you so far in the FOG you can't see the wood for the trees. They are vile to you and your life will be so much nicer without them.

[FriarTuck]

Your family are hideous. To be honest I'd cut DM out completely for Mother's Day because she's at the back of this stirring. And it'll give you a bit of extra relaxing time instead of rushing around and feeling pissed off at her. Your texts to Sis were great. And you're doing the right thing by MIL, making DP's Ex happy (which makes for a better relationship with DSS which makes you happy) so that's fab too, and you get YOUR Mother's Day. It sounds like your DM isn't happy unless she's the priority and sometimes you have to accept that others are a priority too. She could have been grateful that you'd made time in a hectic day and tried to please everyone but she didn't so bollocks to her. Enjoy your day WITHOUT DM.

[AJPTaylor]

Now you are a mother it is time to stand up for yourself and step away.

[Happynow001]

OMG @Dera1234 - following your last update your "family" sound positively poisonous. What on Earth have they got against you that you are treated in this way? Why do they feel they own you (rhetorical question). Time to withdraw I think and cut them all out for a while or at least go low contact - they don't care about you except for you to live your live how THEY want you to. Don't react to their orders- live your own life as you see fit and leave them to stew in their own bile. Sending you a hug.

[Groovee]

I feel so sad for you. My advice is to ignore any more texts from your sister, possibly blocking if needs be. They all sound toxic.

I hope you can enjoy your first Mother's Day without their drama x

[Dera1234]

Thanks @Crabbyandproudofit. These are all points I thought but my DSis doesn't seem to be able to comprehend. At no point did I say my DM wouldn't have a visit and that's when I though that enough is enough.

Thank you. I think it'll be a busy day but as long as I can get an extra hour in bed I'll be grand. Tbh, whilst thats a good idea, I just want this whole farce over with. It's one bloody day. Where I said about being celebrated to my sister I really don't hold that much importance to being 'celebrated' or appreciated. I just wanted to emphasise the point. It's nice to do something, but I'll never understand the need for all this drama.

I've just woken up thinking back a fair few years, when I was on a trial week at a new job that I desperately needed, and they expected me to get the day off from work for Mothers Day. Luckily I stood my ground. It resulted in me being kicked out the house that night. I'd spent time with the whole extended family and my Mum in the evening for the tea party they'd thrown then went to get ready for bed as I was shattered. My brother then walked repeatedly past my door telling me how horrible I was, how I was going to fail my exams and that if I didn't come back downstairs he was going to smash my teeth in. I told him to get stuffed. My DM then challenged me as I'm lying in bed trying to sleep about what I'd said to DB. I was so wound up, so depressed at the time, my long term bf I'd recently discovered had been cheating on me, I was a hey and shattered from 10 hour physical days at this new job, and the stress of exams looming. So I snapped and told her to fuck off. Bad I know, but not totally unreasonable given the circumstances. She kicked me out of the house in my pyjamas and sent me to my Nan's where I lived for the next 6 months. I remember having a panick attack on the way over to hers and momentarily thinking about ending it all. I also remember my day shouting at me that morning as I was getting ready to leave for work.

And that all stemmed from Mother's Day drama. How mental is that!? Granted I shouldn't have sworn but jeez! Perhaps I've picked the wrong battle this time.

Sorry for rambling. And I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day :)

[Happynow001]

Stop trying to explain yourself to any of them. They haven't earned that with the revolting way they're treating you.
Exactly this ^^. Your sister is trying to dictate what you, an adult, is doing with your life. She needs to back off and if she won't stop interfering and being so judgmental just block her access to you temporarily to calm this situation down. Stop responding to her and live your own life with your DP and ur own little family.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

It's hard to ignore messages like this from your sister but it should be between you and your mum. If your DM doesn't want to 'be available' in the morning that's her choice. Presumably, neither DM nor DSis want you to come to THE MEAL without your DS? However, they have no qualms about suggesting that your DP should visit his mother with only one of his children.

Your plan for the day sounds perfectly reasonable, hopefully not too much rushing about. If you want to you can suggest lunch/afternoon tea/meal at your house at another time (it will cost less when it's not Mothers' Day!) and you can often get discount vouchers, so this would save you some money. You could then treat both DM and MIL, together or separately. You could emphasise to your DM that this might be nicer than having to share her with a lot of other people, but you may not want to play that kind of game which is rather pandering to her silliness.

[Dera1234]

Thank you for your reassurance. I've spent the last 6 years questioning myself and always coming to the conclusion that it must be me. With your guys help and the support of my DP I'm starting to realise this is not normal at all.

This was the last message from my sister, which I have just ignored.

Well let's play a game. I'll call it "odd one out". Who's not having a visit on Mother's Day? Dp Mum? DSS Mum? Can't say you're not putting anyone ahead of anyone else.

Yeah I'm aware OP. You'll do what you please and just keep doing your own thing. And just think of the upset you're causing mum. One day it will catch up to you, maybe when DE is older and decides to give Mother's Day a pass one year or two. Then you'll see.

It's just so spiteful. How do you reason with people that can't be reasoned with?! I don't even want to see my sister for a good long time. God knows I won't get an apology.

But thank you, so so much. You've all helped me no end. I hope you all have the wonderful mother's Day on Sunday. I'll keep this updated though if I receive any more crap!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

You poor love I feel so sorry for you, you'll be feeling so miserable right now and none of them love you enough to be kind or to understand. Ditch the bloody lot of them what do they even bring to your life.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

My god what selfish stupid unreasonable cunts your family are. What fucking planet is your sister on? 'As long as we line up' that's just pure fucking shite, she wants you to 'line up' and ignore your new nuclear family and your own needs to fall in line with their plans. Selfish ignorant and nasty.

[Damntheman]

Do try not to. You're not being unreasonable at all. It's all on them and their shitty behaviour. Standing your ground here will be the first step towards laying your boundaries with them. You can do it!

[Dera1234]

Thanks for the reassurance, I feel like absolute shit right now.

[Damntheman]

Stop trying to explain yourself to any of them. They haven't earned that with the revolting way they're treating you.

[Damntheman]

You could also add a line about how passive aggressive behaviour isn't helpful or welcome.

[Cryalot2]

I feel so sorry for you. It's your first mothers day and you deserve to spend it how you please.
Stay at home and tell both mothers it is your special day and your dp has aŕanged something. Visit when it suits and do not either get upset or spend anything you can't. It's only one day .
Tell them you know they will understand and know how they would want you to enjoy the special time with your child.
Failing that fake a headache or something.
Above all be nice to yourself it's your day.
I left my present with mum today. It suits my oh that's why. Yes I have missed family events before.

[Damntheman]

I honestly think you need to shut your sister down. Tell her this is between your mother and yourself and you'll thank your sister to not get herself involved in your private matters. Don't embellish, put your mum voice on (through text) and be firm and to the point.