Who is being unreasonable here?!

[Dera1234]

So, DM has a history of kicking off and drama and I've always been a bit of a black sheep.

My first Mother's Day on Sunday. Really excited but not wanting a fuss. Just a lie in, a cuppa in bed and maybe a walk with DP, DS and DSS later.

I was spanning on speaking to my siblings and explaining that we have a busy day (always leave mid afternoon to drop DSS home and spend time with DP Mum so she can spend time with DS.

My thoughts were, maybe do brunch with my DM, have a walk, then go see DP Mum and spend some time with her.

Anyhow, get a message explaining a table has been booked early Sunday afternoon with loads of family, my DM Mum's side. Can we all go. I explain that we have DSS and not sure what our plans are etc. Cue immediately shitty response (she has form for this) saying how difficult I am. Then I explain that we're just trying to keep everyone happy and also try and have a bit of time for me to do what I want to do as it's my first one. Get told to have a nice Mother's Day at home, and she just wanted some time with her children (fwiw I make the effort to ensure she sees DS 2/3/4 times a week and she sees the rest of us just as much.

This was weeks ago, so obviously we hadn't even spoken about plans for Mother's Day at this point. Me and DP dabble with the idea of going and then taking his DM for a meal, but frankly we just can't afford it. We've just moved, we're still paying for the old house and it just seems like a huge ask for a simple day. I want to show them both we love them and appreciate everything they do for us but we just can't afford that.

I've sat on it for a few weeks and after a wine decided it was ridiculous and that we would just ensure we saw both DM on the day and spend some quality time giving gifts, cards etc.

Cue tonight, had arranged to see DM and was going to carefully bring it up, and she's not home. So I speak to my DF. He is of the opinion that we should go for this meal with them and not take DP DM for a meal instead another day I've explained I think it's unfair and if it were just me and DP it wouldn't be such an issue but now we have DS she's going to want to spend time with him, and DSS on Mother's Day.

DP Mum hasn't requested anything. We've done them all some hand painted plant pots with the boys' handprints etc and cards. We will give these to her and would have taken her for a cup of tea somewhere.

It's looking like we're going to have to sick up this meal to keep the peace and hope to go DP Mum doesn't find out we've gone for a meal with my Mum and her two GC, one of whom isn't my DM GC! I'd be so hurt in that scenario.

She has form for this and I want to out my foot down, but I also don't want it to blow up, especially over bloody Mother's Day. I just wanted a lovely chilled out day, to see DM and DP Mum with the kids and thought everyone would be happy.

My Great Nan died last year and I think they're all rallying together for her daughters (my DNan and Great Aunties) which I get, and I would like to go. But going would mean we don't get a walk, and we would get to DP Mum's way too late to do anything but a quick hi, shovel tea down DS then leave to get home for his bedtime.

Please someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable!? I really would have thought she'd have wanted me to really enjoy my first Mother's Day. Not be stressed to high hell over keeping her happy.

Any advice on how to solve this too would be greatly appreciated.

[Ragglesnaggle]

Excellent! Remember, she CHOSE not to make any plans with you, despite you offering.
Now your get to have a lovely day. Put your phone on silent though

[AnnieMay100]

If it we’re me I’d stay home and enjoy my first mother’s day as a family. Pop in with gifts for mil and mum if you want to see them but don’t be pressured into meals etc if they can’t understand that then they are being unreasonable and I wouldn’t bother at all

[AnnieMay100]

Just read your update, glad you stuck to your guns and done what you wanted to, have a great first Mother’s Day!

[Dera1234]

Thanks so much guys. Unfortunately the crap has started! My sister has just message me this:

Hey, how's things?
Mum mentioned earlier that you're not coming on Sunday. To be fair you've known about it for weeks. The whole family is going, why can't DP drive DSS back on Sunday and you and DS come yourselves? Wasn't it a DSS weekend last week anyway? Would have thought you'd spend your FIRST Mother's Day doing something nice, not driving to stoke to suit DSS Mums timetable. Even DB is coming all the way even though it's a massive pain in the ass for him to do so. Think you should reevaluate your decision or at least try. Don't want you looking back in 1,5,20 years and regretting it. You only get one mum and we've got a fucking great one so don't take her for granted. She helps you with so much stuff and I understand sometimes it is hard for you to come to some family do's (granted we have a lot of them) but it's 1 day a year to celebrate everything mum does for us and the fact that everyone will be together makes it that bit more special.

I'm fuming. DSS Mum was delighted we offered to bring him back earlier but also said she thought I'd like a bit of time with both boys so not to worry about being too early. How lovely Is that!? And yes it was DSS weekend last weekend too because we changed it around because we were moving house. And why can't I have a day of being appreciated for my first Mother's Day! Argh it makes me so angry! My Mum has clearly been ranting to her.

Any advice? I'm thinking of a very thought out message back outlining all our reasons as I know it'll be relayed back to my Mum. But then again, why should I have to justify myself!?

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[Dera1234]

Okay, I've sent this. How does it sound?

Hey buddy, things are good thanks.

We won't be coming on Sunday. It's DSS weekend again because we changed it around so we could move in the house. Any weekends we miss, we make up. We're also not spending my day driving DSS back to suit DSS Mum. We offered her to have him home earlier because we thought she'd want to spend time with him. Which she does. And she has kindly said we can have him for the morning so I get to spend time with both of the boys.

I will be doing something nice also. I'm very much hoping we'll get to see Mum in the morning, then we'll go for a nice walk with the boys, once I've had my lie in and a cuppa in bed, then we'll go back to where DSS and DP Mum live, spend time with DPs Mum then head home. Which sounds like a pretty nice day to me.

I'd have liked to have gone to the meal. But the time that it is means that I can't do what I want to do, on my first Mother's Day. It also means we can't get DSS back at the right time. It also means we wouldn't see DP Mum, which is unfair. In an ideal world we would have said we couldn't do anything until the evening. DSS weekends are crazy without anything else going on.

I will see Mum on Mother's Day, and give her her gifts and cards, so long as she is available. I really appreciate everything Mum does for us, and hope what we have got her reflects that. I thank her and hug her and tell her I love her on a regular basis. So my attending this meal or not bares no reflection of my love or appreciation for Mum. Besides, I am also a Mother now, and deserve to have a day where I am also appreciated. Whilst I will always celebrate Mum on Mother's Day, it is also a day for me to be celebrated now.

I will not be coming to the meal with just DS. I want to spend my first Mother's Day with my son, my step son and my fiance. Which I've every right to do. I want to see Mum also, of course I do. But I also want my time with my family.

I'm sorry for the essay, and I don't want to fall out with you, however you need to accept I have my own family now. It doesn't mean I love Mum any less, or you guys any less. It just means that I want to spend time with my own family now too. If the meal was at a different time, it may have worked. DP and I have tried to work out a way to see everyone's needs met, but unfortunately we haven't been able to do that.

I hope you all have a lovely time, and hopefully we can join you in years to come, so long as it works for us, as a family.

[Dera1234]

Oh God! She's replied this:

It's pretty simple, have your cuppa, see DSS, DP goes to see his mum, drops off DSS you come to the meal. Not much to it OP.

[Groovee]

So your mum has your sister to do her blackmailing.

I'd just reply. Our decision has been made.

[Dera1234]

Oh Jesus someone please help me I can't deal with this shit!

[Bluearsedfly36]

Tell them to get stuffed, your plans are made and you aren't changing them. I'm getting pissed off on your behalf OP xx

[Chocolateisfab]

Sorry but our day is planned.
Block if necessary..

[Happynow001]

Go you Dera. I see the flying monkeys are out in force but your answer - excerpts below:
I hope you all have a lovely time, and hopefully we can join you in years to come, so long as it works for us, as a family.

Was great. Ignore everything else now or you'll be caught in the web for years. Block the numbers (as a temporary basis) for now. They'll get the msg eventually if you standyour ground. Lean on DP as necessary. x 🌹

[Dera1234]

Thanks so much everyone. It's nice to be reassured. I've just sent this reply then had this response from her and frankly I'm seething. She makes me question my entire being when she says stuff like that. It's always been 'you're selfish, you're immature' etc etc

We've desperately tried to find a fair and reasonable solution that works for everybody, but sadly we've been unable to. I don't want to spend half of my Mother's Day away from my partner or my son, as DPs Mum will want to see DS, as I'm assuming Mum will too.

Then she responded

Have you checked with mum that she's around in the morning?

You can write as many well written paragraphs as you please but the bottom line is you put everyone else second. So long as we "line up" you're good. You don't wait to see if we line up, you make plans and stick to them. When mum said you weren't coming I was even surprised. Sure, I was angry but I don't think anyone was surprised. Always been the same with you. And you can buy mum and island and she would still prefer to spend lunch with you and the family. Saying your gift will more than make up for it is silly. You know mum and you know she'd prefer time spent together.


I'm absolutely fuming

[Damntheman]

I honestly think you need to shut your sister down. Tell her this is between your mother and yourself and you'll thank your sister to not get herself involved in your private matters. Don't embellish, put your mum voice on (through text) and be firm and to the point.

[Cryalot2]

I feel so sorry for you. It's your first mothers day and you deserve to spend it how you please.
Stay at home and tell both mothers it is your special day and your dp has aŕanged something. Visit when it suits and do not either get upset or spend anything you can't. It's only one day .
Tell them you know they will understand and know how they would want you to enjoy the special time with your child.
Failing that fake a headache or something.
Above all be nice to yourself it's your day.
I left my present with mum today. It suits my oh that's why. Yes I have missed family events before.

[Damntheman]

You could also add a line about how passive aggressive behaviour isn't helpful or welcome.

[Damntheman]

Stop trying to explain yourself to any of them. They haven't earned that with the revolting way they're treating you.

[Dera1234]

Thanks for the reassurance, I feel like absolute shit right now.

[Damntheman]

Do try not to. You're not being unreasonable at all. It's all on them and their shitty behaviour. Standing your ground here will be the first step towards laying your boundaries with them. You can do it!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

My god what selfish stupid unreasonable cunts your family are. What fucking planet is your sister on? 'As long as we line up' that's just pure fucking shite, she wants you to 'line up' and ignore your new nuclear family and your own needs to fall in line with their plans. Selfish ignorant and nasty.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

You poor love I feel so sorry for you, you'll be feeling so miserable right now and none of them love you enough to be kind or to understand. Ditch the bloody lot of them what do they even bring to your life.

[Dera1234]

Thank you for your reassurance. I've spent the last 6 years questioning myself and always coming to the conclusion that it must be me. With your guys help and the support of my DP I'm starting to realise this is not normal at all.

This was the last message from my sister, which I have just ignored.

Well let's play a game. I'll call it "odd one out". Who's not having a visit on Mother's Day? Dp Mum? DSS Mum? Can't say you're not putting anyone ahead of anyone else.

Yeah I'm aware OP. You'll do what you please and just keep doing your own thing. And just think of the upset you're causing mum. One day it will catch up to you, maybe when DE is older and decides to give Mother's Day a pass one year or two. Then you'll see.

It's just so spiteful. How do you reason with people that can't be reasoned with?! I don't even want to see my sister for a good long time. God knows I won't get an apology.

But thank you, so so much. You've all helped me no end. I hope you all have the wonderful mother's Day on Sunday. I'll keep this updated though if I receive any more crap!

[Crabbyandproudofit]

It's hard to ignore messages like this from your sister but it should be between you and your mum. If your DM doesn't want to 'be available' in the morning that's her choice. Presumably, neither DM nor DSis want you to come to THE MEAL without your DS? However, they have no qualms about suggesting that your DP should visit his mother with only one of his children.

Your plan for the day sounds perfectly reasonable, hopefully not too much rushing about. If you want to you can suggest lunch/afternoon tea/meal at your house at another time (it will cost less when it's not Mothers' Day!) and you can often get discount vouchers, so this would save you some money. You could then treat both DM and MIL, together or separately. You could emphasise to your DM that this might be nicer than having to share her with a lot of other people, but you may not want to play that kind of game which is rather pandering to her silliness.

[Happynow001]

Stop trying to explain yourself to any of them. They haven't earned that with the revolting way they're treating you.
Exactly this ^^. Your sister is trying to dictate what you, an adult, is doing with your life. She needs to back off and if she won't stop interfering and being so judgmental just block her access to you temporarily to calm this situation down. Stop responding to her and live your own life with your DP and ur own little family.

[Dera1234]

Thanks @Crabbyandproudofit. These are all points I thought but my DSis doesn't seem to be able to comprehend. At no point did I say my DM wouldn't have a visit and that's when I though that enough is enough.

Thank you. I think it'll be a busy day but as long as I can get an extra hour in bed I'll be grand. Tbh, whilst thats a good idea, I just want this whole farce over with. It's one bloody day. Where I said about being celebrated to my sister I really don't hold that much importance to being 'celebrated' or appreciated. I just wanted to emphasise the point. It's nice to do something, but I'll never understand the need for all this drama.

I've just woken up thinking back a fair few years, when I was on a trial week at a new job that I desperately needed, and they expected me to get the day off from work for Mothers Day. Luckily I stood my ground. It resulted in me being kicked out the house that night. I'd spent time with the whole extended family and my Mum in the evening for the tea party they'd thrown then went to get ready for bed as I was shattered. My brother then walked repeatedly past my door telling me how horrible I was, how I was going to fail my exams and that if I didn't come back downstairs he was going to smash my teeth in. I told him to get stuffed. My DM then challenged me as I'm lying in bed trying to sleep about what I'd said to DB. I was so wound up, so depressed at the time, my long term bf I'd recently discovered had been cheating on me, I was a hey and shattered from 10 hour physical days at this new job, and the stress of exams looming. So I snapped and told her to fuck off. Bad I know, but not totally unreasonable given the circumstances. She kicked me out of the house in my pyjamas and sent me to my Nan's where I lived for the next 6 months. I remember having a panick attack on the way over to hers and momentarily thinking about ending it all. I also remember my day shouting at me that morning as I was getting ready to leave for work.

And that all stemmed from Mother's Day drama. How mental is that!? Granted I shouldn't have sworn but jeez! Perhaps I've picked the wrong battle this time.

Sorry for rambling. And I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day :)

[Groovee]

I feel so sad for you. My advice is to ignore any more texts from your sister, possibly blocking if needs be. They all sound toxic.

I hope you can enjoy your first Mother's Day without their drama x