Who is being unreasonable here?!

[Dera1234]

So, DM has a history of kicking off and drama and I've always been a bit of a black sheep.

My first Mother's Day on Sunday. Really excited but not wanting a fuss. Just a lie in, a cuppa in bed and maybe a walk with DP, DS and DSS later.

I was spanning on speaking to my siblings and explaining that we have a busy day (always leave mid afternoon to drop DSS home and spend time with DP Mum so she can spend time with DS.

My thoughts were, maybe do brunch with my DM, have a walk, then go see DP Mum and spend some time with her.

Anyhow, get a message explaining a table has been booked early Sunday afternoon with loads of family, my DM Mum's side. Can we all go. I explain that we have DSS and not sure what our plans are etc. Cue immediately shitty response (she has form for this) saying how difficult I am. Then I explain that we're just trying to keep everyone happy and also try and have a bit of time for me to do what I want to do as it's my first one. Get told to have a nice Mother's Day at home, and she just wanted some time with her children (fwiw I make the effort to ensure she sees DS 2/3/4 times a week and she sees the rest of us just as much.

This was weeks ago, so obviously we hadn't even spoken about plans for Mother's Day at this point. Me and DP dabble with the idea of going and then taking his DM for a meal, but frankly we just can't afford it. We've just moved, we're still paying for the old house and it just seems like a huge ask for a simple day. I want to show them both we love them and appreciate everything they do for us but we just can't afford that.

I've sat on it for a few weeks and after a wine decided it was ridiculous and that we would just ensure we saw both DM on the day and spend some quality time giving gifts, cards etc.

Cue tonight, had arranged to see DM and was going to carefully bring it up, and she's not home. So I speak to my DF. He is of the opinion that we should go for this meal with them and not take DP DM for a meal instead another day I've explained I think it's unfair and if it were just me and DP it wouldn't be such an issue but now we have DS she's going to want to spend time with him, and DSS on Mother's Day.

DP Mum hasn't requested anything. We've done them all some hand painted plant pots with the boys' handprints etc and cards. We will give these to her and would have taken her for a cup of tea somewhere.

It's looking like we're going to have to sick up this meal to keep the peace and hope to go DP Mum doesn't find out we've gone for a meal with my Mum and her two GC, one of whom isn't my DM GC! I'd be so hurt in that scenario.

She has form for this and I want to out my foot down, but I also don't want it to blow up, especially over bloody Mother's Day. I just wanted a lovely chilled out day, to see DM and DP Mum with the kids and thought everyone would be happy.

My Great Nan died last year and I think they're all rallying together for her daughters (my DNan and Great Aunties) which I get, and I would like to go. But going would mean we don't get a walk, and we would get to DP Mum's way too late to do anything but a quick hi, shovel tea down DS then leave to get home for his bedtime.

Please someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable!? I really would have thought she'd have wanted me to really enjoy my first Mother's Day. Not be stressed to high hell over keeping her happy.

Any advice on how to solve this too would be greatly appreciated.

[Dera1234]

Thank you all so much for your words of advice and encouragement. Unfortunately I didn't get to see her today as DB has broken his finger! But DP is on board. We will offer to see her late morning then head over to DP Mum's in the afternoon and go for a walk with the boys and her. Just really really nervous. Can't decide whether to do it face to face or via a message. I struggle face to face as she twists things and is very good at making me feel like I have done something wrong and it escalating to a massive row. Which I don't fancy. Plus over s message i can reread them when I'm having a wobble and remind myself that I'm not being unreasonable and she is. But then it seems a bit immature and a bit mean to do it over message. Any thoughts?

[Chocolate35]

A message is fine. That way you can edit it and get it exactly as you want. You’ve clearly made up your mind on this but in future, try to be kinder to yourself. I’m incredibly close to my mum and MIL but I’ve told them both that we (husband and kids in toe) will see them for a tea in the morning and then I’m having a lunch in a restaurant I love with my husband and children. Just us. My mum always reminds me that she’s had her fuss and it’s my turn now, we deserve a day to feel special.

[Dera1234]

Thanks @Chocolate35 for the reassurance, I think you're right. That sounds like a fab set up. It's true, they've had 20+ years of Mothers days and whilst we want to celebrate we want our memories with our DCs now.

I've just had to say we won't be going to another family event for other reasons so not sure how that's going to go down! This is all going to go nuclear. Even my DP is bracing himself for the fall out.

[Ihavealwaysknown]

Sounds similar to my MIL, DH stood up to her though so our weekend is looking like: Friday with my DM (just me and dd), Saturday DH and dd are going out with mil for lunch, and then Sunday we are having a family day with just the 3 of us 😊❤️

[Chocolate35]

@Dera1234 families can be such hard work. Good luck with the next drama 😂 I hope you have a lovely first mother’s Day and get to feel special with your family x

[Happynow001]

Good luck Dera. Stay strong and lean on your DP. 🤗

[StoppinBy]

disclaimer, I am not close to my Mum

I would be telling my sister/Mum that I had already made plans so happy to see her round mid morning but lunch was a, no can do, then enjoy your day.

Chances are no matter what you do you will feel the backlash somewhere so just do what you wanted to do, life's too short to be making other people happy at your expense.

[Happynow001]

@StoppinBy
life's too short to be making other people happy at your expense.

So VERY true! A fact to keep remembering! 😊

[SnapesGreasyHair]

Messaging is best. There can be no twisting of words then as you have proof of what you have said.

[regularbutpanickingabit]

Definitely message but stick to friendly and factual, don’t make the mistake I always make and trip yourself over with multiple apologies that can then be jumped upon! Keep the message short. You won’t get a happy response but that’s ok, this is the right decision and the first step in gently setting boundaries. Good luck!

[lms2017]

You go with your mum and your DS and DP takes HIS mum out with the DSS?.

However if it was me I would pop them a card and chocs/flowers and tell them I am having a day to myself .

My mum isn't at all like this she wouldn't even batter an eyelid if she didn't get a card x

[Charley50]

Blimey what a palaver! I think you've made the right decision seeing MIL as she's alone (unless she'd rather be out with her friends and can't say no to you! 😂). Your mum sounds like incredibly hard work.

Mother's Day just doesn't work really does it, as there are too many mothers to please, and women doing most of the worry about pleasing.

[Tunnockswafer]

It’s mother’s day, not please every single member of your family day. Ideally you can see both mothers and do something for yourself - but if not then you take turns, meal with one one year and one the next. But this year is a special one for you, so do not leave out your own wishes. Things like “dp’s Mum needs to see dgc on mother’s day” is just unnecessary drama. I can see every holiday being turned into a drama fest, don’t get sucked in OP!

[Dera1234]

How does this sound?

Hi Mum, just wondered if you'll be around late morning on Sunday? We won't be able to make it to the meal. DP and I have spoken at great length to see if there's any way we can make it work whilst also trying to have a lie in and a walk with the boys, see DP Mum and you and get DSS back earlier for him to see DSS Mum. I'd really love to see you on the day, if you'll be around? Hope you understand. I'll pop round later today if you're in xxx

I'm trying not to go into all the reasons at great length just stating we won't be there, a little bit as to why and can we see her.

[therearenogoodusernamesleft]

I think it's a good message, and I had all the expectations around Mother's Day. I have been railroaded into making plans for my mum, because my sister is spending it with her MIL...

[Ragglesnaggle]

I think your message is too flowery to be honest. I'd stop after "we won't be able to make it to the meal" then add the last sentence. Nothing you say will be right, so don't waste your breath!

[MissEliza]

Personally I think you've given too much detail and therefore things more her to argue with eg why do you want to do that etc
This essentially boils down to her wanting to make the day about her and ignore the fact that you're a mum now too. She wants to be the centre of attention. (Sorry if someone has already said that).

[Charley50]

I think you've gone into too much detail too. Why not just say; 'it's my first Mother's Day as a mother myself and DP has planned something for me. Have fun and see you in the week.'
I think you're trying to please too many people. It's just a day.

[FriarTuck]

'Hi Mum, Just to let you know I'll not be able to see you on Sunday as DH has just told me that he's taking me out to celebrate my first Mother's Day! I'm really looking forward to it. See you soon. Love OP.'
Sorted. Doesn't open it up for negotiation, makes it not your fault, and stresses how it's YOUR day. Type and send.

[whohaa]

See no-one. It's your day.

Tell both DMs you'll see them later in the week. You only get one first Mothers' Day.

[Selmababies]

All this drama and worry before the day is going to impact on your enjoyment of the actual day, whatever you decide to do now.
I think it would be very unfair to relegate DP's mum to another weekend.
I also think that Mother's day can be celebrated with a number of other Mothers at the same time, without it diminishing one's own enjoyment of it as a mother.
In your shoes Op, I'd embrace a big family get together and suck up the cost of eating out. I'd also invite DP's mum to stay for the weekend. There's nothing weird at all about taking her along to the meal with your family- she's celebrating Mother's Day too with her son (your DP) in the same way that your mum will be celebrating with you and your siblings.

Hope you enjoy your day, whatever you decide to do!

[LittlePaintBox]

I definitely wouldn't say 'Hope you understand' - it's just inviting her not to. Just a bald statement of the facts as they affect her is sufficient.

It's really rude and manipulative to organise a meal and then tell you you're coming, you need to nip that right in the bud.

I rarely saw my DM on Mother's Day once I left home, and I think making a big deal of it with adult children is unworkable. She is being unreasonable and if you give in to her, you're setting up the pattern for years to come. You just have to do what works for you. I was fortunate that my parents were always very clear that once I had my own children, they understood that our arrangements would revolve around our kids, not them. I think they felt this also let them off the hook for travelling to see us!

In your position, I think I'd make fairness the baseline - so if you see your mum on Mother's Day this year, you see your MiL next year, etc.

[Dera1234]

Thank you all so much for your advice and for continually confirming that I am not unreasonable or selfish or anything else. Unfortunately I'm going to have to go and see her with DS as she's on my free for a bit and I can't really send the message then show up at hers. We're going in half an hour, so wish me luck!

[Dera1234]

Well, I did it!

I just said that it just wasn't going to work, DSS Mum wanted DSS home early and I just wanted s lie in and a walk. Reiterated I wanted to see her on the day but she wouldn't make any plans with me. Said I had to call first to see if she was busy or not. She went all quiet and wounded puppy like but it didn't turn into a huge drama! I'm sure there'll be some point in the future she brings it up but fuck it! I get what I want on my first Mother's Day!!!! Thank you so so much for all your help!

[Chocolateisfab]

Well done op!
And now you know the sky won't fall down because you have dared to stand your ground!!