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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 24/03/2019 18:03

Why are you so controlling?

TacoLover · 24/03/2019 18:04

She lied and was rude because her controlling mother tried to ban her from doing something she had every right to do.

This.

iklboo · 24/03/2019 18:04
Stompythedinosaur · 24/03/2019 18:04

YABU. You were wrong to try to dictate to another adult (or very nearly adult) whether she could take a bus or take a day off work. It is also irrelevant whether you share her political views or whether you think her right to express her views is "pointless".

You would be very unreasonable to cancel her birthday.

GPatz · 24/03/2019 18:05

TBH, she's old enough to do what she wants. And she's old enough not to have her Mum book and pay for a party.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 24/03/2019 18:05

Am I the only one who’s never eaten a taster menu?

MissMogwai · 24/03/2019 18:05

YABVU the time has passed for you to forbid where she goes and what she does. Of course she shouldn't be rude to you, but you get what you give.

It doesn't matter if you can't see the point of her going, that's not your call.

I have an older teen, I know it's hard letting them go but you have to let them make their own choices.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/03/2019 18:07

Surely this has got to be utter crap. Do people really put pillows in their bed to like like bodies other than in the movies? And if she was sneaking out that early why would she have needed to pretend she was in bed. Surely the OP wouldnt go in and check up on an almost 18 year old before they go to bed or if they wake in the night? Most people stop doing that when their kids are much younger.

37KAT · 24/03/2019 18:08

I'm a mum of an almost 18 YO DD & it can be tough. She is essentially and adult and could possibly be off to university this year. You need to let go or she won't confide in you in the future. You can't put your fears on her.. exactly why didn't you want her to go?
You're angry as you feel she defied you.
You must not cancel her birthday. She would remember it forever and it's her 18th for goodness sake.

MitziK · 24/03/2019 18:08

Oh, I had a mother like that. My punishment was for going on a an environmental protest. Nothing you could do to help, there's no point, it's not natural, animals don't matter, it's not real, you'll be one of those stinking tramps living in tents, oh look, you're becoming a hippie, isn't that funny thinking you can make a difference, etc, etc.

Didn't matter, though - I had a ridiculously unsuitable boyfriend, so when she came up with her punishment - no birthday including no card, grounding, etc, I stayed with him instead (even though I knew he was a complete dickhead, I needed somewhere to stay), blah, blah, blah...got pregnant, got beaten up, single Mum by 19, barely spoke to her over the next 11 years, finally cut off and never missed her in the slightest.

flumpybear · 24/03/2019 18:08

I think actually she did this behind your back because you're not allowing her to grow up and be her own person

Don't cancel, you'll regret it- let her grow into the independent woman she's clearly being - she didn't make bad choices like hitch hiking or something very controversial - she's her own woman and you should be pleased she's resourceful enough to do it

Dippypippy1980 · 24/03/2019 18:08

This will be her great story of teenage rebellion, told to her own grandchildren.

Think carefully about how you want to feature in that story.

Transpeaked · 24/03/2019 18:10

I think you sound very controlling. Who are you tovtell her that her wishing to demonstrate her political beliefs are ‘pointless’. My mother would have behaved the same way - there’s a reason I have no relationship with her.

pinkpantherpink · 24/03/2019 18:10

You'll regret cancelling her party. That girl's my hero.

That's a very mature way to spend your 18th too isn't it. Whose idea was it? I think I went on a pub crawl...

ABC1234DEF · 24/03/2019 18:11

OP I assume you voted leave?

Transpeaked · 24/03/2019 18:12

I also ended up in controlling abusive relationships where... yup, you’ve guessed it...she didn’t support me...think about how you want your future relationship to be.

kbPOW · 24/03/2019 18:14

If you're real, it's not her, it's you.

jade9390 · 24/03/2019 18:14

Sounds like you do not like her politics, neither do I but she is almost an adult, earning her own money and could have left home aged 16. You sound like a control freak, hence her sneaking out and behaving this way, it is not like she was going out clubbing, drinking or snuck out to have sex. Cut her some slack.

LittlePaintBox · 24/03/2019 18:16

There's a big problem building up in this country because young people don't engage with politics and don't vote.

You should be proud that you've brought your daughter up to engage with politics and to be so committed.

YWBU to try and ban her from taking part, and YABVU to penalise her by cancelling her birthday celebration.

You sound like a right PITA, to be honest.

Aurea · 24/03/2019 18:17

Don't cancel.

It may ruin her relationship with you.

She must have felt very strongly about the cause to defy you and I would be quietly proud of her for sticking to her beliefs.

Cherim90 · 24/03/2019 18:18

You do what you think is best :) but I wouldn't cancel If it was my daughter I'd be mad as hell but not cancel, I mean at that age I wish I was sneaking off to do things like that rather than to go and get pissed up down a field 😅 but like I said your her parent and she knows your expectations x

JustHereForThePooStories · 24/03/2019 18:19

Anyone else see the irony in the OP preventing someone from leaving?

LynetteScavo · 24/03/2019 18:20
Grin
Still18atheart · 24/03/2019 18:22

Yabvu to not have let her go in the first place. So to then be cross for letting a strong minded dd and god bless her for it it sneak out is of your own making.

Yabu I to also want to cancel her birthday. Go ahead and punish her somehow else. But lord knows how you punish a basically 18 old for having a right to have a thought in democracy.

starsparkle08 · 24/03/2019 18:22

I think she sounds amazing . I wouldn’t cancel her party at all .

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