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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
multivac · 24/03/2019 18:22

To be honest, OP - and giving you the credit of accepting your story as a true history - I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter tells you where you can stick your fancy spa-and-taster-menu birthday celebration, anyway.

Mumshappy · 24/03/2019 18:22

Shes an adult she should be able to make her own choices.

OftenHangry · 24/03/2019 18:23

This is a wind up. It's obvious.

But in case if it's not, don't be a dick. And if you will be I hope she sets up gofundme, because this would be my first one I would donate to!
Nothing could get me out of bed at 4AM. Emergency on a street? Meh. Nuclear war? Meh.
For that and for standing up for her views at that young age, she has a well deserved respect from me.

GPatz · 24/03/2019 18:24

Multivac

Oh, I very much doubt it. Mum's paying.

iolaus · 24/03/2019 18:26

It depends on how big a wedge you want to drive between you and your daughter

I'd be proud of mine (but then I'd have agreed in the first place - and if I didn't want her going alone (I suspect she wasn't anyway) I'd have gone with her

lucy0132 · 24/03/2019 18:26

You should have let her go to the march in the first place. Good for her for standing up for her beliefs and future despite you clearly having opposing views. Cancelling her party would be extremely childish and petty and is not going to do your long term relationship any favours. It's not like she was out at a party drinking or doing drugs, quite the opposite in fact - get a grip!

Bluerussian · 24/03/2019 18:28

Why didn't you want her to go to the People's March? I'd admire that and anyway she is old enough to choose such things. Don't be so mean.

llewellyn25 · 24/03/2019 18:29

You sound very controlling to me and I don't think you left her much option but to lie to you. She's nearly an adult so I don't think you should be trying to control her life. I think cancelling her birthday treat would be incredibly unkind and demanding to your relationship.

jade9390 · 24/03/2019 18:31

They do when disrespected themselves

FogDog · 24/03/2019 18:31

Of course YABU by trying to control her like this at her age. She’s a week from the legal voting age and wanted to exercise her right to have a voice about something that will affect her future. If anything, this country would do well to have more polically engaged, passionate young people like your daughter. If you cancel her 18th simply because she disobeyed your orders which were unreasonable in the first place, the memory of what should be a fantastic celebration will be utterly tarnished.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 24/03/2019 18:32

I wouldn't have asked at her age and if my mother had told me I couldn't go, I would've laughed and gone. She went to a peaceful protest during the day, she didn't get off her face at an all night illegal rave. Don't cancel her birthday for goodness sake.

800msprint · 24/03/2019 18:32

No way! She totally deserves a parry. She went to the march for something she believes in. She wasn't out doing drugs or getting wasted.

Aragog · 24/03/2019 18:34

I wouldn't cancel - 18th birthdays are special. How awful to spoil that over this incident. Its an over reaction to me.

You were wrong to forbid her from going. Feel free to give your thoughts, and even what you'd rather she did. However, she is also an adult who should be allowed to make her own choices over such things. She was always going to be safe going to the march, even if it involved early transport.

She was wrong for sneaking around and lying. She should have been upfront about it and not tried to trick you. I can see why she may have felt she had to, if she felt strongly about going to the march. However, she shouldn't have done that and shouldn't have ignored your calls.

But I don't think the punishment (cancelling a big birthday celebration) matches the crime (sneaking out) in this case.

A talk about respecting one another's thoughts is required, and about not lying and sneaking about. But I am afraid the former has to include yourself too - you need to respect your grown up child's wishes too.

WoahThereMama · 24/03/2019 18:35

I don’t think you should’ve banned her from going in the first place. Cancelling her 18th is an absolutely disproportional punishment and would potentially harm your relationship going forward. She sounds great. You on the other hand OP need to get a grip.

ClaraMatilda · 24/03/2019 18:35

I'm a Leaver and I think YABVU. I was attending political marches from the age of 13 for causes I believed in. At almost 18 I wouldn't have even told my parents that I was going to one, let alone asked for permission.

She has a right to her own opinions and to stand up for what she believes in.

If you treat her like a small child and 'cancel her birthday' for that I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have much of a relationship after she moves out.

Carblover · 24/03/2019 18:35

I would be proud of my daughter for standing up to her beliefs
We hope that we bring our children up to be intelligent articulate freethinking individuals and at nearly 18 that's exactly what she sounds like

I think you are wrong for banning her going in the first place and being unreasonable in using her 18th celebrations as a punishment
If you thinks you need to discipline her regarding the way she spoke to you find another way as that certainly doesn't warrant banning her special day
You only have one 18th after all

DPotter · 24/03/2019 18:39

If you can't be a 'budding leftie' at 17 / 18 when can you be?

You were totally wrong to ban her from going - some would say you should have gone with her......

As for your reason that 'we're leaving next week' - have you never heard the saying 'A week is a long time in politics' ? There is so much which can happen between now and then that it is definitely worth your DD, and 1m others standing up for their opinions.

Ban her party at your peril - this girl has got nerve and has clearly out-grown you. And I for one applaud her (even if this is a reverse)

MyBoiledEggIsTooSoft · 24/03/2019 18:40

Don’t this OP is coming back....

I wouldn’t have forbidden the march in the first place IF she had gotten the time off work and someone could cover for her.

As it stands, I would be furious with the dishonesty and the rudeness. I would also investigate how she had dealt with work. If she had called in sick, I would take her to her work and make her explain what she really had been doing, potentially getting fired for doing so.

Birthday would still be on though I think.....

AuntMarch · 24/03/2019 18:41

You were VU to tell her she wasn't allowed to go. It is up to her if she wants to take a days holiday and such an interest in the future of the country should be encouraged. Even if you would rather she wasn't a budding leftie, her views are not actually your business.

She is passionate enough that she was willing to go against your wishes - you put her in that position. If she'd snuck off to some illegal rave to get high and engage in a large scale orgy after you'd said no then sure punish it. But you forced this situation imo.

hoodiemum · 24/03/2019 18:41

The country desperately needs politically active young people like her (of all political persuasions). Please don't cancel her party.

ShadowMane · 24/03/2019 18:41

@NattyGeo you not coming back?

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 18:43

I'm not bothered if her politics are different to mine, but what she did was so unsafe (an Uber at 4am FFS) she didn't even bother to leave a note and then refused to answer her phone ten times. She may be nearly an adult but she's still 17 and lives in my house and has to go by my rules which includes not going places if I say not to.

She hasn't apologised for the comment she made in the car, she's only been out her bed for 4 hours today because she's tired from yesterday!?! Says I embarrassed her because her friends overheard the voicemail about calling the police (she told them I gave her permission) and said I was giving her and her friends a filthy look when I picked her up (I wasn't even looking at her friends). I don't appreciate the disrespect and think things like 18th birthday parties should be earned. TBH I think half of going to London was wanting a jolly out with her mates more than anything

OP posts:
NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 18:44

And I am proud of her, but not today and not for lying and sneaking about

OP posts:
sushisuperstar · 24/03/2019 18:45

@ArabellaDoreenFig you totally read my mind I was going to post that question until you did!

Coyoacan · 24/03/2019 18:46

Yeap, that is beyond controlling