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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
MillyMollyMandie · 24/03/2019 17:41

I think you both need to agree that you both handled the situation badly and it needn’t have become what it did.

Be proud of her for having an opinion. Jeez, be proud of her for even being able to understand what’s going. Most people don’t have a clue.

Last but not least - don’t cancel her birthday party.

It’s almost 18 years since you brought her into the world. It’s a big day for you as well.

Meandwinealone · 24/03/2019 17:41

I reckon you should cancel her birthday.
Then see how that works out for you long term with your relationship

I think it’s worth the risk. Don’t you?

strawberrisc · 24/03/2019 17:41

Yes. I’m sure this is real. And where have you gone?

PleaseFormAQueue · 24/03/2019 17:43

Haven't RTFT but I hope this is a reverse.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 24/03/2019 17:44

Agree, this is bollocks.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/03/2019 17:47

Has the OP come back? It seems an odd question.

Katebob22 · 24/03/2019 17:47

OP has disappeared. Don’t believe this thread at all.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 24/03/2019 17:49

Wow.

Your essentially adult daughter went to try to defend her future, HER FUTURE, in her own country by joining millions of others who want the government to listen to what at least half the country wants.

You should be proud. Not a bitch about it. You seriously want to cancel her birthday because she stood up for her very reasonable, and highly supported, views on the future of our country?

Wow.

Mumsymumphy · 24/03/2019 17:50

Don't cancel her party!

She's 18, she's an adult.
Personally, I'd be so proud if my child stood up for what they believed in to the point where they were prepared to get off their backside and do something about it - regardless of whether I agreed with that view or not.

You should think yourself lucky that this is the only way she has 'rebelled' against you. You sound quite stifling & risk alienating your daughter altogether if you don't start treating her like an adult.

WatcherintheRye · 24/03/2019 17:51

I think this must be a stealth boast!
You're really very proud of your dd, aren't you, op? Grin

Op? Op? Where are you?

perfectstorm · 24/03/2019 17:51

Sorry, but my sympathies are with her. If you can't treat her with respect and reason, she'll rebel and push back. Bluntly, you could well lose her as she moves on in life if you keep this up. Do you want to be one of those parents who knows very little of what goes on in their child's life, because the child doesn't want to deal with the intrusion? Part of parenting is letting go in steady increments, so that by the time they go to university, you're an emergency service and not the backbone of their lives. She's not a child any more. She's 18 in a week. You don't get to run her life in every detail any more. The fact you think you can is really rather sad, because it's setting yourself up for a fall.

She didn't sneak out to go clubbing - she wanted to go on a march, and one concerning a huge issue that will massively affect her life in years to come. Honestly, I'd be proud of her, whether or not I agreed with her views. At least she cares.

Cancel the party or don't, but your daughter is almost grown, and you need to realise that you're no longer her boss. You sound horribly controlling, in all honesty, and you are on a losing wicket with this one. Come the summer, she'll be off to university, I imagine. How good a relationship you can develop with her for the rest of her life is down to you, and whether you can start to respect her as a separate individual. Because you're leaving that process awfully late.

AlpacaLypse · 24/03/2019 17:52

I think this may be a GF thread... yeah right you've name changed to avoid being identified OP!

I'm pro Brexit (from the Lexit end of the spectrum) I was furious that the vote was not extended to include the 16-18 years olds, which would have given both my daughters, both committed Remainers, an opportunity to express their opinion.

YABU, utterly U, to have tried to prevent her from going to the march on the grounds of it not being to your own political taste.

If anyone had tried to stop me going to express my opinions on the political issues of the day back in 1980-something when I was a teenager they'd have got short shrift! However my parents brought me up to discuss our opinions not lay them down as law. Even now we still have splendid debates about the rights and wrongs of all sorts of issues, even with my mum who believes every word printed in the Daily Mail.

And my dad hooted with laughter when I got a Tory cabinet minister bang on the nose with a rotten tomato at some protest or other about Higher Education funding.

poseybobblehat · 24/03/2019 17:52

What a pile of shite

Ihatehashtags · 24/03/2019 17:52

OP honestly you sound awful. Controlling, condescending and vengeful. My own mother was like this to me when I was growing up. It took me longer than your daughter to stand up to her and when I did we didn’t speak on and off for a few years. She now regrets the way she treated me but I haven’t forgotten how awful she was and in my eyes we will never have a close relationship. If that’s what you want for your daughter continue as you are. It will end badly for you.

Womaninred · 24/03/2019 17:52

I hope my daughter turns out like yours and stands up for her principles. Always told her she around stand up for her beliefs and even if different from mine if she can explain why she believes something then that’s what I’d respect. Good for your adult daughter standing up for something that will affect her future so much. I’m proud of her even if you’re not

perfectstorm · 24/03/2019 17:52

I feel a mug - this thread is reminding me of the university daughter one who 'used to be such a good Catholic girl'. Blush Too gullible, I am.

Cheeeeislifenow · 24/03/2019 17:53

I can see where you are coming from. You were being protective and you were worried about her.

Op sounds more worried that her daughter is a "leftie". More than anything else.

AnnaMagnani · 24/03/2019 17:53

I think you were daft to ban her from going to the march, given she is very nearly 18 and it is her wages to lose. And even dafter to sneer at her for being a 'budding leftie'

I went on the march, it was a massively family friendly occasion, loads of families with their kids, people walking their dogs, generally a party atmosphere. Very few police and those that were there were chatting amongst themselves or looking bored.

Plus there were quite a lot of Tories there too - DH and I followed a large contingent carrying 'Tories against Brexit' signs for a while. And the biggest boo came for a mention of Jeremy Corbyn who was being mocked.

SluggishSnail · 24/03/2019 17:54

This is absolutely not the point, but where can you get spa entry plus an 8 course tasting menu for 6 people for only £350?
I want to go there!

Thisimmortalcurl · 24/03/2019 17:55

You will both look back and laugh at her passion and a bit sneakiness in years to come. You will look back with regret and sorrow you over reacted if you cancel her 18.

jessycake · 24/03/2019 17:59

I would let this go as she is nearly 18 and an adult . I can understand you are angry and disappointed , but cancelling her party could cause a massive wedge between you and in a few years time this will be just an anecdote you bring up on an occasions and laugh about .

trancepants · 24/03/2019 18:01

You owe her a MASSIVE apology for trying to forbid her from attending the march. She's a few days off 18, not 11. Your behaviour was completely and utterly out of line. You are on the road to absolutely ruining your relationship with her. But go ahead, cancel her party and a few years from now when she's, at best, extremely low contact with you, you'll know why.

nauseous5000 · 24/03/2019 18:02

This smacks of "pls put me in the Daily Mail" to me 🙄. I wouldn't mind if my almost 18yo has completely clashing views. She arranged safe transport to go to a peaceful protest. Had it become non peaceful I reckon she sounds resourceful enough to keep herself safe. Are you disappointed she did not obey you or that she's become a leftie, which you're quite disparaging about?

Bluetrews25 · 24/03/2019 18:02

What's that quote?
I might disagree with your opinion absolutely, but I will fight to the death for your right to express it.
Something like that. You get the gist.
She HAD to sneak out as you forbade her to go. This poor DD is living in a dictatorship. I hope she can get away soon. She would never forgive cancelling the 18th. and I bet there is a whole lot more she will never forgive in the backstory
And I bet OP did have a right cat's bum face, so can see why DD will have said what she did.
I applaud DD and all the others who went, and I am sorry that I was unable to go with you, thank you for going, all of you.

BackforGood · 24/03/2019 18:02

YWBVU to cancel her 18th Birthday party.

You should have been proud of her for caring, and for wanting to stand up for her views, even if they aren't the same as yours. She wouldn't have had to sneak out if you hadn't tried to ban her, after all - you've created the situation.