Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 24/03/2019 17:31

She will remember forever that you cancelled her 18th.

^^ This. My DP were difficult around my 18 -still rememeber.

They were also trying to forbid things in my 20s well after I left home and even after I became a mum Hmm.

I think you need to be having conversations where hopefully both sides listen.

Di11y · 24/03/2019 17:31

I think the problem is you were unreasonable to ban her from the march but for her to then go behind your back was unacceptable.

I think looking back you'd regret cancelling the party. is there another punishment you can give that's more moderate?

BobbilyBoo · 24/03/2019 17:31

Good for her! You should be proud of her!

My DD is only 7 but I would be very pleased if at the age of (almost) 18 she had was willing to stand up for what she believed in like that and to try to make a difference.

youarenotkiddingme · 24/03/2019 17:32

I think there's many things you can still have a day over for a adult (almost adult) living under your roof.

Political views and standing up for them isn't one of them.

She'll be old enough to vote in a few days.

InsertFunnyUsername · 24/03/2019 17:32

Ohhhh i like the sound of your daughter! Minus the "Wipe that look off your face"

I wouldn't cancel her birthday tbh. What sounds more damaging in the long run.
"I snuck out to go on a political march something im passionate about" or "I never had an 18th birthday party because my mum forbid me from going on a march and i went anyway"

By all means have a word about her attitude towards you, but i personally think cancelling her birthday over it would be more damaging!

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 24/03/2019 17:33

When I was younger than she is now I had my own flat and was living a completely independent adult life. (I'm only in my 30's now so it's not like I'm talking about the old days either)

IMO you shouldn't really have felt it was ok for you to tell her she couldn't go. She is (almost) 18 years old so if she wants to go out that's up to her isn't it?

By the flip side though if she wants to live an adult life she needs to behave like an adult and also be treated like an adult. She needs to be (if she's not already) helping with shopping,cleaning,cooking etc in other words things need to change for her sake as she is close to leaving home and needs to be able to have the skills and confidence to be in the big wide world.

If she is still too young of an 18 year old for you to "let" her go out (if that's why you chose not to) then things need to change because that's not doing her any favours.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 24/03/2019 17:33

The time has passed for you to be laying down the law and following through with punishments.

You shouldn't have 'forbid' her to go. At her age, it's fine to share your opinions and say you don't want her to do something, but ultimately, she's almost grown and this is obviously something she feels passionate about so she was never going to just give in.

I would express to her how upset you are that she disobeyed you, but I think it would be best for your relationship if you explain your reluctance and also that maybe you need to understand your daughter isn't a child anymore.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 24/03/2019 17:34

Jackanory, as we used to say in the 80s.

Grin
anniehm · 24/03/2019 17:35

Definitely unreasonable. She's almost 18 and standing up for her future! I would have driven them the 100 miles it's just dd had a previous engagement that was very important organised months ago and she couldn't let them down. Rather than chastise be happy you have a dc who is engaged with the world

Toomuchworking · 24/03/2019 17:35

YWBU for forbidding her going because of your apathy. She's an adult. I don't blame her for being rude to you, you sound overbearing. If you want to cancel her 18th celebrations based on this of course it's up to you, but you got into this disagreement because you disrespected her to start with, not the other way round.
You should thank your lucky stars she's so interested in politics and not drugs and raves (she can save that for when she grows into a real leftie).

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 24/03/2019 17:35

Why did you want to stop her in first place?

I went to the marches with my children and we had a great time, much better than any birthday party, especially yesterday, we met with some of DS’s mates and went to a pub after.

YABVU.

FluffyHeadbands · 24/03/2019 17:36

Another punishment would be more proportionate. Even if you disagree with her views, it's good she is engaged.

I think left wing views show hope over experience and if you can't be hopeful when you are young, then it's quite sad.

You should be proud of this although not the way she went about it.

Toomuchworking · 24/03/2019 17:36

If you keep using the term "disobey" she'll be rebelling like hell in no time, not just catching a bus to a peaceful protests.

sagradafamiliar · 24/03/2019 17:37

'She's usually as good as gold' 😂 I'm embarrassed for you.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/03/2019 17:37

But you're not cancelling her birthday because she 'snuck out', are you? You're cancelling it because she has a different opinion to you, and you want to punish her for that.

YogaWannabe · 24/03/2019 17:38

Why are you so controlling?

malificent7 · 24/03/2019 17:38

Yabvu...not allowed???? Why ever not???? Also now she is 18 she can do whatever. You sound very controlling op.

ElektraUnchained · 24/03/2019 17:38

TBH I can see whe she would have a snarky comment if you insisted on picking her up (when she could have come home under her own steam) and then sat there with a face like a slapped arse.

YABU.

Rachie1973 · 24/03/2019 17:38

I’m struggling to believe it.

HJWT · 24/03/2019 17:39

YANBU, tell her if she wants to act like an adult and make decisions for her self and go 'were she wants' to move out and pay her own bills...

SimonJT · 24/03/2019 17:39

I would be proud that my daughter was taking an interest in policitics (whether or not her views matched mine), and I wouldn’t want to encourage my daughter to keep secrets from me, which you may risk if you punish her like a young teen.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 24/03/2019 17:40

'She's usually as good as gold

I usually reserve this phrase for my dogs.

Cheeeeislifenow · 24/03/2019 17:40

Once she is doing nothing illegal and respects the ground rules of your home, you really can't police where she goes.
Your daughter should be praised and encouraged to participate in politics as her future is being shaped by current politics. Sounds like she knows a lot more than you do though considering you didn't even know about the extension. I would not be surprised if your dd moved out as soon as she can, your controlling ways will push her far away from you.

CherryPavlova · 24/03/2019 17:41

I think your daughter sounds fantastic and you should be truly proud of her, not punishing her.
You shave attempted to ban her from going because you disagree with the March - her political view and her right. Jus to imagine if the suffragettes had been quietly obedient.
She was sneaky but had no real choice if she was to stay true to herself- and it is her future.
Cancelling her eighteen birthday is revenge for her being an adult not a sanction for impoliteness. It’s you that needs to consider your attitude and behaviour.

urkidding · 24/03/2019 17:41

I can see where you are coming from. You were being protective and you were worried about her.
There is no switch in your head which switches the protection bit off as they approach 18!
You shouldn't cancel the party. However, you should have a discussion about how you feel about her with her. And prepare yourself mentally to let her go and see her decisions as valid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread