To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week

Except we're not, so things are still in play.

Honestly, she's an adult at 18, good for her for being politically engaged, this effects her future, where she may live, study, who she could be allowed to marry and move with. This is a good thing, surely? She must already go out with friends, it's not any different really.

You'll just appear really mean and petty to remove her Birthday treat. And if you're annoyed she doesn't share your political values, doing something like stripping her from a Birthday present will most likely make her always oppose whatever you stand for.

She has political views and is prepared to risk your wrath to express them. I say well done to her! Cancelling her 18th birthday would be wholly inappropriate. It is you who is in the wrong for trying to prevent her (a few days away from being officially an adult!) from attending the march. I know several people who took their young children so I think a 17 year old would be perfectly safe. If you cancel her birthday as well as banning her from the March you risk alienating her completely.

I have two beautiful very feisty girls dd1 aged 9 and dd2 aged 7. If when they are teenagers this is the worst thing they do I will count myself very lucky and so proud. I would hope though, and I do believe, that if they wanted to do something like this I would be the one helping them to get to the march safely in any way I could. It was because you just said no that she felt she had no other option, rather than saying ‘You are nearly 18, you have the right to your political views and I will support your decision’.
Both my dds are interested in world affairs and politics and I hope it remains so. I marched against tuition fees and it was an amazing thing to be part of. I feel sad I wasn’t there yesterday. Oh and btw we aren’t leaving next week, we’ve been given an extension which is just the least of it, maybe spend some time on the news sites. You could have a discussion about what is going on with your daughter.
Now, I would be having a conversation with your daughter that starts ‘I apologise, I had no idea getting to the March meant so much to you. I was worried about your safety and you taking time off work. I have also read about the March now and can see it wasn’t as dangerous as I thought it might be. I am actually proud of you for being politically motivated enough to get involved. I’d be happy to talk more about politics and what is happening with Brexit with you. However I did consider cancelling your birthday as I was so angry you went behind my back, scared for you and shocked. I was very annoyed with your comment about me when I got in the car. We need to be respectful of each other. I am sorry that you felt the need to lie to me. If something is this important to you in the future remind me of this and I will do my best to support you. However you need to be entirely honest with me too. You are nearly 18 but it’s hard for me not to think of you as my little girl.’

No but you have made a complete twat of yourself @hotpotlawyer by getting your knickers in a twist because someone has dared to do something you don't like 😂 Just scroll on by and stop letting the comments on someone else's post eat you up. You'll be much happier for it 😒

No you shouldn't. Think of a suitable punishment instead...maybe some form of community service or helping you in some way.

Sorry read many pages but only just seen it is all resolved. Good luck to op and her dd

My knickers are not in a twist, thank you, KathandKim (and look - I have bolded your name without the @ so you don't get an irritating e ail about not much) - I just think it is:
a) rude to come on to threads late and imagine you have something new to say, without having listened to anyone else on the thread
b) it blocks up active convos
c) and you could have scrolled on by my comment, couldn't you? ...with your attendant perceptive comments on scrolling through hahaha!

Goodness sake. She is 18 not 8. Stop treating her like a kid. And stop dangling the cost of her party in front of her because the truth is she probably dont give 2 hoots. On the other hand if you cancel it and you will regret it and your relationship with her will suffer.

Lying and sneaking is not necessarily bad when inappropriate rules have been applied. When faced with draconian rulers, we do what we need to.

Yes, you are being a complete arse OP. Sorry, but you really are being utterly ridiculous.

And if you cancel a pre arranged birthday “do” you’ll just come across as a bigger arse than you’re already being. Whether you agree with what she’s done, all she is doing is exercise her democratic right.

NattyGeo. Please forgive me I haven't time to rad all pages. Just need to say my eldest now past 18 and honestly you cannot hold on to them and tell them what they can do as closely as this at this age! She could be at Uni now, going on any march she wanted. I think you should make sure she knows how to keep safe, how to budget and how not to inconvenience others. Then it's up to her. This trip sounds as if she thought it through and it meant something to her. Your views will be different to hers, that's what having an 18 yr old is about! You cannot force your ideas on her.
Sorry I have to rush now.

Parents like you really confuse me... yay, you’re 18... you must be punished for not asking permission to do anything.
Wtf?
She’s an adult?
You should be celebrating her free thought and passion. Thank goodness your apathy hasn’t rubbed off on her.
Sounds like you don’t want to cut the apron strings and need to control everything. Hard work!

I hope she has a wonderful birthday and brexshit crumbling would be a perfect gift for her I’m sure!

NattyGeo Apologies about late catch-up but had to say how glad I am to hear you're all sorted out, well done - not easy saying sorry etc! I also understand now about the first baby being born with health problems and your habit of keeping close tabs on her. very understandable. In my experience over time she may change her views (or not) politically but just be proud of your thoughtful and caring young lady. I do think, like you - whatever one's hopes or whatever we voted, Saturday's march is founded on little hope of achieving its aims. Just my view. Not a reflection of what I want but just I think the situation is out of our hands.
Help.. I must gooo sorry

Not read the full thread

But replying solely to the first post...

You are being so unreasonable

Don't be an arse

Your daughter is an adult now

The end

Be mad cos she disobeyed you, but you should proud she went - regardless of your views on any political ideology - it’s inspiring the young are involved. She is only 18 once and you will regret cancelling her party!!
it sounds like you’ve done a very good job raising her x

Glad its all resolved. I'm impressed she snuck out to a political march..at 17 i was sneaking out to clubs and to go driving (and the rest) in cars with boys 😂

TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week!

Seriously? Have you been reading / watching the news recently?

YAB massively U

Of course. If you're one of those dickhead parents who insist on controlling every little bit of their teens (actually adult in this case) lives. Crack on, she'll end up pushing you to a bearable distance.
You should be beaming with pride.
Best of luck.

HotpotLawyer, if Mumsnet wasn’t filling my email inbox with links to threads that are aready 20 pages long before I am even made aware of them, I might have joined in the discussion earlier.

Some OPs though are difficult to ignore, and I really don’t always have the time to read 20 pages of comments.

I am very glad the OP and her daughter sorted out the problem in a very positive and mature way. Well done to the two of you!

I would also be very glad if MN was a better designed website, where you can comment on specific posts rather than creating a long, cumbersome, linear thread, and where you can delete your own comments if necessary.

Don't cancel the birthday, because she is your daughter and it is a really special one. Do have a serious talk with her about lying to you, something could have happened to her & you wouldn't have known where she was. Good for her standing up for her beliefs. This isn't about politics though. Would people be sticking up for her if she had snuck out and gone off with a bloke behind your back?

YABU- celebrate her independent views and integrity!

You’ve raised a strong, independent women who has a good head on her shoulders and cares about her country and future.
Why punish her for that?

Your DD is 18 years old, she is an adult, you have no right to tell her what to do.

Wow! Just wow! You’re daughter sounds like a star. If that was mine, I’d be doing everything l could to make her birthday even better. And you want to cancel it......

She sounds thoughtful, passionate, motivated, aware and idealistic. What a fantastic young woman. And you want to shoot her down!😡 l think you need to grow up more than her