To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

She's nearly 18 therefore she's an adult. Good for her standing up for what she believes in and shame on you for trying to stop her!!! I think you would be incredibly unreasonable to cancel her party and you were even more unreasonable for trying to stop her going on a march!!

I love this woman and she is definitely old enough to make decisions like this for herself. She should be praised for her determination and integrity. Do not cancel her party unless you want to seriously damage relations with her.

Wow! Snuck out (as an adult) to go on a political March over an issue that will have a huge impact on her.
I'd be so proud!
Mine only snuck out to get boys n booze. Well done - she sounds lovely - and her birthday treat sounds great too.

Glad to hear you changed your mind OP and she apologised for her rude comment.

You forced her into being sneaky as she quite rightly knew you were being unreasonable, that's the consequences of being controlling. Even if she had called in sick that's her choice, you don't get to tell her these kind of things even if she does live with you. Don't scare her away, she can leave home after Thursday, go and live in another country if she wants to! You have to see her as an adult now and have more respect for her choices.

I was at the March with my 12 year old son, who wanted to go. I supported him in his concern. I understand that you are not politically motivated, but wonderful that your daughter took such effort to do what she believed. I wonder if she knew the consequences? If not, then perhaps a discussion about trust and that you see that you were wrong to not see her point of view. but that dishonesty is not the adult way to handle the situation. I wouldn't take away the party. This will definitely hurt your relationship more. Have an adult conversation and ask her how she thinks you should handle it.

I love that she is standing up for her beliefs. May her voice be loud and proud.

Just my thoughts.. Going to the protest aside... yes, she was out of order, lying and being rude to you. Maybe try and think of a separate punishment which is "relative to the crime". If you cancel this (really important!) birthday party which she'll remember for the rest of her life, she'll resent you for that forever

I hope you're feeling better about the situation today OP. To throw my two penny's worth in:
Of course you're angry, you love her and you were worried sick. Understandable, you're a Mum not a machine.
She's surprised you - listen to her, she may be moving away from who you thought she was (especially her new-found ability to get out of bed!).
Don't cancel - don't let her mentally moving away from your opinions turn into actually losing her. These things can escalate so easily and she's too precious for that.
And keep talking, and listening, to each other. Not shouting or issuing ultimatums, just talking. It's bloody difficult but it helps.

Ps I went to the protest, it was very peaceful, family-friendly and contained. Didn't see anyone drinking nor even smoking cigs! In fact so contained most people couldn't actually move! I also think it was good that your daughter felt strongly about going - it's her future far more than it is yours.

what a great result and a learning curve for you both op.

@LadyRough - what fab advice

I see this thread has made twitter & it seems horror that the mother is so protective

Oh OP - just saw that you had sorted it out really well.

"She has apologised for being rude to me. I have apologised for not being more open to her going to London."

Bingo - A* Parenting :-)

Be proud, you’ve raised a good’un!

I'm sure others have said this (I haven't read the whole 20 pages of comments), but please don't cancel her party. For one thing, she has already invited her friends and you would be humiliating her in front of her friends if you cancelled. She might, just, eventually forgive you (I'm thinking when she's maybe in her fifties) but she will never forget and it will rankle for years. You may never get back a decent relationship with her. Also as others have said, she will be an adult in a few days, so you are being over controlling on this.

Well this post has got to be a wind up, right?

Firstly, you have bought up what sounds like a independent, bright, determined young woman. She understands what millions of Women before her fought for.

Secondly, what kind of idiot, who somehow raised a daughter so impressive, would be so shallow to think of this as punishment?
Not only would you likely ruin a birthday, you’d also look petty to her friends.
I’d take step back and remember that whatever your opinions are, others are allowed to have different ones. Yes she disobeyed you, but In safe and well thought out manner.

I honestly think theres a little bit of 70/30 here. Shes 18 years old shes not 15. You shouldnt really be trying to control where she is going at this age its only going to cause trouble later its not like shes heading to drug dens/raving every night or commiting crimes. Shes standing up for her political beliefs . However as pratically an adult herself she should have said im going sorry. Left you a note and not hidden pillows like a child but then again you are treating her like one. Also i dont agree with how she spoke to you. I treat my daughter wirh respect and in turn i expect it back. I would leave the party but give a firm comment as to the tone and attitude after pciking her up reminding her who is supporting her after all and otherwise let her live her life as long as shes being responsible she has a job shes supporting herself. Be proud it sounds like youve got a good one

It would be too harsh to cancel her bday treat at the last minute. It would never be forgotten.

Think of some other way to punish her (some rubbish chores etc) if you are determined to make a point of this but I think it would be disproportionate for her to lose out on her bday treat.

I would be so proud if this were my child. Not the lying but at almost 18yo I wouldn't put my daughter in the posistion you did.

Now you want to ruin her birthday too???!!!

She is a resourceful girl with a sense of responsibility. She deserves to go far in life.

Excellent response op :)

YABU on two fronts.

1. For not being proud of your daughter for knowing her own mind
2. For thinking that there was ever a chance that we'd be leaving the EU on 29th March (it's a complete fiasco - the rest of the world must be laughing at us...)

Good for her - I wish I could have been there. She's of the generation that is going to be stuffed by Brexit and she's trying to protest (and BTW Brexit is by no means a done deal)

YABU for that reason (and we're not leaving next week, keep up!). WTF?

Yes she disobeyed you but in context, she did something she is passionate about and a positive thing.
She didn’t go to spend the night with someone, or go and get wasted, or go to a music festival or similar.
Keep the 18th plans but have a chat with her about she mustn’t be deceitful and help her learn lessons in negotiation with you.
Hope it all works out.

OI! NEW POSTERS!!
RTFT! Or at least just read this c&p update:
"She has apologised for being rude to me. I have apologised for not being more open to her going to London"

See - now you don't have to make a complete twat of yourself making suggestions and comments that were made pages ago by many posters and have now been rendered redundant!