To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

Although I don't agree with your original actions @NattyGeo I do have a lot of sympathy- parenting 'nearly adults ' had its own challenges the same way as any previous stage of parenting.

I think our role at this point is making sure that our DC have the tools that they will need to cope with independent adult life. So, eg a day out for political March, a rock festival, an independent holiday make sure that they know how to keep themselves safe, stick with their friends, emergency money and phone numbers in case they lose their phones etc. Make sure that they are able to look after themselves when they go away to uni/ get their own flat do budgeting / cooking skills etc

We might not always agree with what our DCs plans are, and it's absolutely right to let them know our opinion, ultimately we need to equip them so that they can follow through their dreams and plans in a safe way.

I think if you cancel it, it could ruin your relationship. She's on the verge of adulthood and should be able to make her own decisions. I'd understand if she was a misbehaving 5 year old but she's nearly 18. Draw a line under it and enjoy her birthday, you'll only regret it if you don't.

Sheesh! Give her some slack. Have you never done anything behind your parents back? She’s an adult you can’t control everything. I’d be proud of her decision & join her. Better than getting wasted! She apologised for being dishonest. Let her enjoy her birthday.

Normally I'd say yes, as she forbade you and was rude. I'm finding it a bit problematic though, because she only did it because you failed to take her seriously over a very serious issue. She didn't sneak out to go to a rave, she was standing up for political rights, to which there absolutely is a point. If your reasons were for safety concerns, then I could completely understand, but by saying that it's pointless, you've more or less stuck two fingers up to thd suffrage movement. This is a potential change that entirely shapes her future as an adult.

Good for you both, sounds like a happy ending.

At 17 nearly 18 I wouldn’t even be asking my parents if I could somewhere!!

YABU if you cancel the birthday gift. Whilst sneaking out would seem disrespectful at 18 years of age albeit not for a few days yet surely you can see she was doing what she felt strongly about. You should let her grow up.

I would be very proud to have raised a daughter with a political conscience.
If you do this you are setting yourself up for a troubled relationship. Your daughter will be very upset and probably humiliated by this.

Hello?

HELLO??

Line's dead. OP's done a bunk. Because s/he fabricated the entire thing.

Oh shit sorry OP glad it's sorted out.

She did the right thing.

Your daughter is a ledgend. Don’t be so harsh and stop trying to tell her what to do. She’s practically an adult now and will only pull away from you if she has too.

Lol you forbade her to go... a nearly 18 year old? You talk as if she's 13 or 14.

I'd be so bloody proud of her.

Hope she has a great birthday!

Glad it’s resolved and well done to her for being so passionate, it’s inspirational.

OP - you obviously did an awesome job raising your daughter if she was determined and organised enough to find a way to go on this march even when you forbade her to do so. Whatever side she was on isn't the point - a healthy democracy needs its citizens to be engaged in political matters.

It's natural for you to be angry at her. I hope that you can see your way to also being proud of her.

You've made the right decision to keep the birthday plans in place. I hope this whole thing brings you closer together, while also helping you to see that you can let her go.

Hopefully then she'll take her distance - and at the same time still be with you.

Nice outcome op.
She sounds fab. Swap for a teenage boy that is obsessed by his Xbox?

Am glad its sorted, because when I read the OP's post, I just thought WTAF. Firstly that you were banning an adult from going somewhere and secondly that you would dream of cancelling her birthday!
I'd be very proud of having a daughter that was prepared to stand up for her beliefs!
I hope your DD has a lovely birthday x

What??? She's an adult!! She did the right thing, for her future. You were BU, not her.
If only more had your daughters sense.

By the tone of your message I'm guessing you voted leave in the referendum? I'm so over leavers and remainers belittling each other for their beliefs. I'm particularly annoyed at our young being called "snowflakes" and brexiteers being called stupid. For a start it doesn't make any sense and what good does it do going around calling people names and making assumptions? As a society we should be ashamed how we're treating each other currently. I'm encouraged and proud of our young standing up for their beliefs on Brexit and climate change. You should be proud of your daughter for having such strong beliefs even if they disagree with yours. Far better she's catching a bus to London to demonstrate then shooting up heroine!

Ah, see you guys have sorted it out. Ignore my rant. :-)

I’m very proud of your daughter for taking such an interest in politics when her generation are ignored to the point of being constantly screwed over by politicians (and voters)

I’d expect a nearly 18 year old to disobey me and be rude about it if I was foolish enough to stand in the way of something they passionately believed in.

If it were my DD I would have gone with her.

I’m so glad you’ve both sorted it out OP. I hope she has a lovely birthday, she sounds ace.

I’m extremely envious. My dc turns 18 in a couple of weeks and is not interested in celebrating it at all or in engaging in politics.
I was already wound up reading a previous AIBU (DD wanting to move in with DA in that London) as my other dc is the same age holding down 2 jobs, one solely to pay piss take rent. For some reason, I couldn’t comment on that thread. When I saw this,
I was so exasperated.
Dc2 voting card, for the upcoming local elections in May, arrived this morning and I was made up enough with that!

Depends if you're happy to wreck your relationship with your adult daughter or not.
If you are, then by all means go ahead and cancel her party.
She may never speak to you again and frankly I wouldn't blame her.

Your behaviour towards your daughter is controlling and unreasonable. It demonstrates a lack of respect and trust. My parents treated me like this. I was well behaved and worked hard at school and had given them no reason for mis-trust. I left home as soon as I turned 18 and didn’t speak to them until the birth of my second child.

RTFT, people, or at least RTFOP's posts.