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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
Acis · 25/03/2019 06:57

Skittlesandbeer, what on earth is adult about expecting the recipient of a gift to pay for it?

Blondebakingmumma · 25/03/2019 07:12

I think you need to reflect on your role in the relationship. Your daughter is an adult now and shouldn’t need your permission to go somewhere or take a day off work. It won’t be easy to change but it will be necessary so you don’t push your daughter away.

PregnantSea · 25/03/2019 07:39

I'm surprised that told her she couldn't go on the march. It was obviously really important to her and I think you should have predicted that she would sneak out and go anyway. That wouldn't have shocked me.

However, you did clearly lay down the rules and she broke them, and was then very rude to you. So I would say yes, cancel the birthday thing. It's consistent parenting.

Funnyface1 · 25/03/2019 07:43

I would cancel it.

bullyingadvice2017 · 25/03/2019 07:45

Maybe is she was 15 and snuck off to a rave. but she could leave home now anyway. She sounds driven at least.

pointythings · 25/03/2019 10:13

Well done to both of you for apologising. Let's hope this is the start of a change in your relationship now that your DD is an adult.

Spookydollshouse · 25/03/2019 10:23

Ok op I had similar issues with DD being poorly when she was young and she still has some needs so I do get the overprotection.

But not under your roof should apply to excessive drinking, leaving the house filthy, drugs, stealing and aggressive behaviour not taking an interest in her future. Brexit is a BIG thing which affects our kids. Good for her for being interested in her future.

I'm glad you aren't cancelling the party.

As for scaring the shit out of you, at 18 I would have just told my Mum I was going out for the day and would be back for tea/or not.
I wouldn't have even asked if I could go Confused

Spookydollshouse · 25/03/2019 10:31

'TBH I think half of going to London was wanting a jolly out with her mates more than anything'

So what if she did just want a jolly. She went with a group of mates, booked a day off and I'm assuming she used her own money just a few days before her 18th.

By her age I was living on my own and working 12 hour shifts and running my own life entirely because of how things were at home.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 25/03/2019 10:35

You were unreasonable to try and stop her attending a march that meant a lot to her. If you were my mother I would never forgive and would definitely have ignored your instruction. You should be proud of her - I am.

thecatsthecats · 25/03/2019 10:39

I know you've already heard it, but I think almost any unreasonableness from your daughter was given the green light when you were so very controlling about her actions.

My parents grounded me for a full year because somebody else was assaulted at my birthday. I was wholly uninvolved with the incident, and the party was paid for and thrown by my parents (though they didn't supervise at all). I think in a way they were trying to offset their apparent guilt towards the parent of the victim.

I lied, and put myself in more dangerous situations than I would have, because they were too obstinate to realise how wholly unreasonable they were being.

NekoShiro · 25/03/2019 10:44

Surely her friends would of known if she was missing? Re the whole issue with her taking an uber

NutElla5x · 25/03/2019 10:45

Your daughter is almost an adult and you were wrong to try to stop her doing something she strongly believes in. She obviously has a high sense of justice which is why rebelled on this occasion. You should be proud of her and YWBVU to cancel her birthday treat.

krasnayakoshka · 25/03/2019 12:43

Well my mum banned me from something when I was 16. I went anyway at crack of dawn.

Now 30 years later we speak a few times a year and see each other maybe once a year.

So I think you need to consider what kind of relationship you want with your adult daughter...the one you are describing may not have a happy ending.

Japonicaflower2 · 25/03/2019 12:49

Good for her!
If you want to be spiteful, and wreck her memories of her 18th, go ahead but don't be surprised if she moves out as soon as she can.
You 're in danger of seeming very controlling, she's an adult and needs to be treated as such. I would have discussed it with my DD, reassured myself she'd thought it all through and wished her well, not had a hissy fit. No wonder she was forced to be devious.

Vulpine · 25/03/2019 12:50

I'd be rewarding her not punishing her

Limensoda · 25/03/2019 12:57

I would never have forbidden my daughter at that age to do anything.
If I disagreed I would explain why and hope she changed her mind but she would have lost all respect for me if I thought I could control her in that way.
I would have been proud of her doing what she believed to be right.
Cancelling her celebration is petty and makes it look like your love is conditional on blind obedience.

Pk37 · 25/03/2019 13:21

My ds is 18 and living at uni , I can’t stop him doing anything and I wouldn’t want to.
Yabu, she is standing up for something she believes in.
Yes she didn’t go about it the right way but you sound like you wouldn’t have given in so she did what she had to

MoreSlidingDoors · 25/03/2019 13:40

I’d moved out at 17.

Persipan · 25/03/2019 16:00

Your daughter sounds AWESOME and you absolutely should not cancel her birthday.

HuckfromScandal · 25/03/2019 16:17

You know, you didn't cover yourself in glory at the beginning of this thread. But good on you for the way you have handled this.
My DD and I went through an exceptionally rocky period from 17/19. And I get where you are on the lying, and the fact that you thought she had pulled a sickie too.

You have handled it with aplomb, and actually asking MN and then taking the advice was more than what I was doing when DD was the same age.

I hope that she has a lovely bday and that you and her are friends again.

Everanewbie · 25/03/2019 16:18

Hi OP. I kind of know where you are coming from. I had health problems growing up and a big op aged 17.

My mother was extremely protective to the point of embarrassing me in front of friends. I hated her for it, and still, 20 years later think she made some shocking calls. But she did it out of love, not malice or control. She had been through hell to make sure I was safe and thriving and as a result had problems 'letting go'. I was hard work, and lost my temper, justifiably, as all I saw was a second lease of life, to be lived, and someone holding me back.

The truth is OP, your daughter would have scared most mothers half to death by sneaking out without warning. Probably your fault for making her think that you'd cause her trouble, but that still caused you a shock. The remark was rude, but i'm guessing she lashed out as a result of her reasonably perceived injustice of firstly having to sneak out in the first place, and secondly, the way you reacted.

It is a tough truth to accept OP, but you can't forbid her from doing anything. You can make rules for the house, and have a reasonable expectation of knowing when she's coming in and out, etc. But you have to let go or your daughter will resent you.

Try to come up with a mutually agreeable plan. You wont go crazy, and not 'forbid' things, but as a courtesy, she let you know her plans, roughly when she's home and so on. You'll have a happier relationship.

I hope you enjoy the birthday.

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 25/03/2019 16:20

Yabu ridiculous and controlling to dictate an adult's free time.

browneyes77 · 25/03/2019 17:43

She sounds like a mature and thoughtful 18 year old.

Mature & thoughtful people don't sneak around behind others' backs (pillows in bed) or be rude to their parents.

THIS ^^^

EllenMP · 25/03/2019 17:43

I would be proud to have a daughter like yours. You should learn from her courage and commitment instead of punishing her for her perfectly normal resistance to having her beliefs and actions micro-managed by you. Show her a little respect and maybe she won't have to lie to you to speak her truth.

akerman · 25/03/2019 17:44

You should be really proud of your committed, thoughtful, engaged daughter. The country needs more people like her.