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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 24/03/2019 21:31

Well done OP and it sounds like you have a rather great almost 18 year old. I hope you can perhaps spend some time together resetting your relationship as she moves into fully fledged adulthood. She needs to know that you trust her and you have her (not your own) interests at heart. Hope you all have a lovely day celebrating her 18th!

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 24/03/2019 21:32

the fact I have an 18yo in my lates 30's tells you all you need to know about the kind of teenager I was!
no, it doesn’t.
The fact that your daughter has to lie to you about something so innocuous as going on a march , would really worry me. I bet she hides far more from you, because you are so unreasonable.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 24/03/2019 21:34

At her age I wouldn't cancel. She becoming and adult with her own thoughts and opinions and she has to follow them, learn from them and support them in a way she feels is right.

Just respect it and juts say you'll be there for her if anything happens

lollypop224 · 24/03/2019 21:35

I wouldn’t just because she is standing up for something she believes in and it would cause great embarrassment to cancel it

saraclara · 24/03/2019 21:39

Oh jeeze. Now we're getting all the people who haven't read the thread coming in to lecture you about something you've already put right!

Anyway - have a great party! And as someone else said, the way this was resolved might well make your relationship as adults even better. And yes, you'll laugh at this family story when you're a grandma!

Bluerussian · 24/03/2019 21:44

Glad it's all sorted.

titchy · 24/03/2019 21:45

Good result OP. I hope she has a lovely 18th Smile

DelilahfromDenmark · 24/03/2019 21:58

OP, I am sure there are people on here who will flame me for saying this but it is the political apathy of our "young people" (among other things) which has gotten us into this mess in the first place. If the 18-25s went out and actually voted first time around, I am almost certain that no march would have been necessary and we wouldn't be in this situation.
My long winded point being, we should welcome any political engagement from younger voters; I'd be proud if it were my daughter but there'd be some repercussion for blatantly disregarding my rules, but not something as significant as cancelling her birthday party.

ahtellthee · 24/03/2019 22:03

@NattyGeo sounds like you have recovered well by apologizing. Hopefully you will be able to handle any clashes in the future in a more respectful manner.

Actionhasmagic · 24/03/2019 22:05

YABU

she could be duck pouting on instagram but instead she’s out trying to make her voice heard in the world and engaged in politics

You will regret cancelling her birthday and she doesn’t deserve that

Cheeeeislifenow · 24/03/2019 22:06

@nattygeo she honestly sounds like a credit to you.

BrokenWing · 24/03/2019 22:07

Glad it's sorted op, but aren't you just a little bit proud she stood up for something she believes in and made it happen.

Your daughter is a young woman now, you need to advise her but then let her make her own choices.

ElloBrian · 24/03/2019 22:08

Congratulations on raising an extremely thoughtful and responsible young woman, OP Flowers it sounds like you have been a fantastic mother to her. And I’m glad to hear you guys have kissed and made up.

Hellenbackagen · 24/03/2019 22:09

At 18 you have no right to tell her what she can and can't do.

Ragardless of what you think.

To cancel would be horrible and show you up. Just nasty. It's her 18th birthday. Imagine her telling people this years down the line

myrtleWilson · 24/03/2019 22:13

Delilah - I think the original figures of under 40% of under 25s voting in the referendum have now been challenged and actually c65% of this age group voted.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/03/2019 22:14

You cannot tell a 17 year old where they are and not allowed to go

Really? Hmm

They’re teenagers. In my world you still parent teenagers. If you choose not to, that’s your call...it doesn’t make it right.

Canshopwillshop · 24/03/2019 22:16

Well done OP, I’m glad you and DD have sorted things out.

tinyme77 · 24/03/2019 22:17

Love it when I read a post and I agree with all the responses (plus there aren't any nasty ones :) ).

Mememeplease · 24/03/2019 22:28

She put herself in relative danger because you were too controlling. She opted to take the uber rather than the possibly safer and cheaper lift.

Work together to keep her safe by giving her freedom and the knowledge/confidence that she doesn't have to sneak around and can call you in an emergency without getting into trouble. She's virtually an adult anyway. Even though she's still under your roof you need to give her autonomy.

bellabasset · 24/03/2019 22:36

Your dd will only have one 18th so it would have been unreasonable to cancel it. While you will always feel protective of your dd she deserves praise for being prepared to stand up for her views.

If were younger I'd have gone myself but had to content myself with signing the petition. I don't think they will revoke Article 50 but politics have been completely unpredictable recently so we live in hope.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/03/2019 22:51

If she’s such an adult, she won’t mind paying you back the £350, will she?

Teach her that she can’t cherry-pick this adulting thing.

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2019 22:57

The negative posts keep coming (from both points of view). The OP and her DD have resolved this, folks!! Please read the thread. Hmm

GottenGottenGotten · 24/03/2019 22:58

If she’s such an adult, she won’t mind paying you back the £350, will she?

'Happy birthday, by the way you owe me for your birthday party'.

Yeah, she'll be totally fine with that... Hmm

Op is overprotective, sure. However, she is not a total wanker...

Thurmanmurman · 24/03/2019 23:00

YABU for not letting her go in the first place. She’s 18 now so wouldn’t have voted in the referendum but I’d obviously passionate about this, which is admirable. I’d be proud of her if she was my daughter.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 25/03/2019 04:50

IncrediblySadToo: they’re teenagers. In my world you still parent teenagers. If you choose not to, that’s your call...it doesn’t make it right
And how is it good parenting to forbid your (almost adult) child to do something, subsequently forcing them to lie and be devious? Carry on with that kind of parenting if you choose to, that’s your call...it doesn’t make it right.