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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 24/03/2019 20:51

Oh ffs OP, she is turning 18 and you want to ruin her milestone birthday over something you have no control over?

So what if she went on the March. She is 17 not 7. What a ridiculous AIBU

SallyWD · 24/03/2019 20:55

Also you say you have a right to ban her from doing things because she lives under your roof. I don't understand this at all - of course you can lay down "house rules" but you can't control her life outside your house. She's an adult. She'll be off before you know it. Don't treat her like a 5 year old if you want her to respect you. It makes me feel sad that you'd consider cancelling such a landmark birthday celebration for a girl who is usually "as good as gold".

lottiegarbanzo · 24/03/2019 20:55

I think the party sounds fabulous btw - well, I'd love it! I'd have felt an eight course tasting menu was extremely grown up at 18 but, maybe she is extremely grown up!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 24/03/2019 20:56

Why didn’t you go with her? bit of mum daughter fun bonding? Offer to go on the next one, or sign the petition at least as a peace offering

onecrazycook · 24/03/2019 20:58

Your daughter is old enough to have sex, drive a car, and in a few days she'll be old enough to get married and buy a house, but you are treating her like some little kid.
She got a taxi to catch a bus to go on a march with her friends. None of these things are dangerous. What the hell is your problem? Even if she did tell you to wipe that look of your face, I can fully imagine you had a face on as if you were about to chastise a 12 year old for coming back from a friends half an hour late.
Unreasonable doesn't even cover it. This is utterly bonkers. Get some help ffs

Acis · 24/03/2019 21:00

Far from demanding an apology from your daughter, you need to apologise to her for trying to stop her doing something perfectly reasonable, particularly given that it was based on your complete lack of knowledge of what is happening with Brexit. If she was put in danger, it was because you wouldn't agree to her doing something perfectly sensible and harmless.

sighrollseyes · 24/03/2019 21:00

You shouldn't have said she couldn't go in the first place! This country needs more young people like your daughter who are prepared to stand up for what they believe in - like the climate change demonstration a few weeks ago.
You shouldn't stop her standing up for what she believes in.
The reason she disobeyed you was likely because you didn't take the time to hear her side of why she wanted to go.

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 21:01

She has apologised for being rude to me. I have apologised for not being more open to her going to London. I'm not excellent at admitting im wrong but i guess you have to pick your battles!

TBH am not sure how many 18 year olds would enjoy an 8 course tasting menu (missing the point !!!)

I don't know about other people but teenagers I know aren't like when I was a teen (the fact I have an 18yo in my lates 30's tells you all you need to know about the kind of teenager I was!). They like politics and aren't bothered about going clubbing, they're like mini middle-aged people. DD chose the venue and menu, they are getting Prosecco too, I'm not a complete prude.

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 24/03/2019 21:02

She shouldn't have tricked you but to be fair I think its great she wanted to go Saturday!

Acis · 24/03/2019 21:02

You do need to get rid of the idea that the fact that your child lives with you gives you the right to control her to this degree. Being a parent means recognising your child's right to her own life, and being prepared to release control. If you don't, you are going to lose your daughter for ever.

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 21:03

Why didn’t you go with her? bit of mum daughter fun bonding?

I have 2 other small children so need more than 2 days notice to make plans. She would sooner die than have me there anyway!

OP posts:
saraclara · 24/03/2019 21:07

"She has apologised for being rude to me. I have apologised for not being more open to her going to London. I'm not excellent at admitting im wrong but i guess you have to pick your battles!"

That's great! Seriously, I didn't expect you to manage that, based on your earlier posts, so kudos to you for sticking with this thread (which must have been hard to read) and listening to everyone. Good for you. You've made my day!

Cheeeeislifenow · 24/03/2019 21:10

Fair play op!

PoshPenny · 24/03/2019 21:10

I would as it's your house so your rules. It's the dishonesty and then the rudeness/defiance on her return that gets me, where she went is irrelevant.

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 21:13

Yes Sara well 300 posts essentially saying I'm a crap mum kind of touched a nerve 😬 and I really don't like being spoken to like crap by my own flesh and blood. I will be accused of drip feeding - but DD was a very sick baby, she spent most of the first 3 years of her life in hospital, then it was just us for so long, and I got very used to making sure I knew her every move, location etc in case she needed medical attention. It very much become our norm. Her condition as a child doesn't affect her now, hasn't for years, but it's very hard to click your fingers and say "Abracadabra, I'm no longer overprotective"

OP posts:
ScarletAnemone · 24/03/2019 21:16

Good outcome Natty. It’s tough letting go and as you say even tougher admitting when you don’t quite judge things right.

I hope she has a fabulous birthday.

ScarletBitch · 24/03/2019 21:19

You have a very bad attitude OP. You cannot tell a 17 year old where they are and not allowed to go, you are overbearing. She is an adult, god I am a leaver but think YAU.

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 21:19

I also feel better as it turns out she took annual leave from her work and didn't call in sick like I assumed so didn't lose a days wages.

OP posts:
Chouetted · 24/03/2019 21:19

Good on you, you've done the right thing Smile

Thisimmortalcurl · 24/03/2019 21:23

I’m glad it seems sorted, it’s not easy lying in bed worrying about the most precious people to you. However that’s life .. and this is a really important age. At 20 my daughter was a fully qualified children’s nurse .. with all the responsibilities that come with it ... just 24 months older than your daughter . I worry about her travelling to and back from nightshifts and very early morning starts .
It doesn’t change but that it love for you .

Horehound · 24/03/2019 21:25

Lesson learned eh and maybe a bit more trust should be bestowed on her. Don't be controlling!

YouTheCat · 24/03/2019 21:27

You have done the right thing. This could bring you closer. Be proud that your dd has her head screwed on.

crosstalk · 24/03/2019 21:27

I'm glad your DD has apologised OP but hats off to her for making the effort to protest. As PPs have said, she wasn't going off for a rave or a festival. At her age many moons ago I was at uni, with no phones (apart from one down a corridor but I was never in) and deffo no mobiles. My parents had no idea what I was up to. I hope she has a wonderful birthday.

BackforGood · 24/03/2019 21:28

Fair play to you for coming back OP, and for managing to acknowledge you might have judged it wrong - not easy, I'm sure.

bigKiteFlying · 24/03/2019 21:28

She has apologised for being rude to me. I have apologised for not being more open to her going to London.

That'a a really good out come.

Hopefully next time you'll both communicate a bit better and avoid all the upset here.