To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

I wonder if you would have been happy for her to go if it had been a pro leave march?

If she wasn't such a 'budding leftie' would you have been so angry?

I think at just on the cusp of 18, she gets to make her own choices. She could not vote in the referendum, she is having her say now.

Get over it, let her have her party. Be nice, not the person who takes away a once in a lifetime event for nothing!

Your reasons for not wanting her to go on the protest are very weak. I'm not surprised she disregarded them. Parents are not always right and she is nearly 18!!!!She didn't sneak off to do something illegal, dangerous, reckless or feckless.
I would NOT cancel her birthday party- she's too old to be treated like a naughty child. Celebrate the eighteen years of her being a fabulous child.
But I would have a discussion with her, on another day, about what she did and your perspective. And you should listen to her perspective.

So your worries about her being unsafe were totally your fault for banning her from going.

I cant get over that you forbid her from going.... you do realise she's an adult?

I really feel sorry for you OP because you are going to lose your daughter. Despite message after message from people telling of similar parents and the fact they are none contact you don’t seem to care. All you care about is you feel wronged.
I’m not surprised she had a go at you as she got in the car, you probably ruined an amazing day for her. I love my daughter so much and would never treat her this way. If it was that important to her, but the issue was safety concerns, I’d attend with her. You are dismissive and controlling and it makes me really sad to see that you can’t even see what you’re doing despite probably a 100 people telling you.

TBH am not sure how many 18 year olds would enjoy an 8 course tasting menu (missing the point !!!)

She should have left you a note so you didn't worry. And she should not have been rude when you picked her up. Those things you can address and she needs to accept and apologise for.

But that's all. When they were a few days off 18 I'd not have required my daughters to ask permission to go to an event. They'd tell me of their plans and let me know when to expect them home. Your daughter and her friends were organised and responsible in their plans, and there was nothing they were doing which was unsafe. You're either extremely controlling or over-anxious. Or you simply don't like her views.
If you spin an 18 year old the 'under my roof' thing, you know what their response is likely to be, don't you? To get out from under it and not look back.
Calm down, then have that talk with her. You both need to listen to each other without anger. She needs to be aware of how she worried you, but also to have you listen with respect to why she felt the need to go.

I’m in awe that a 17 year old organised a taxi to catch a 4:30 bus and managed to get up.

Regarding the Uber, her friends mum offered to pick her up but that would have run the risk of me finding out (I know said mum) or hearing a car outside so she took an I we instead which I thought was foolish when she had the safe option of a lift.

The irony! If you'd have said you were happy with her going and well done for marching for something she believes in, she'd have got a lift and been in your eyes safer!

Big bug warning sign, a child rejecting a safer option because they don’t want their parents finding out what they’re doing (especially when what they’re doing is normal teenage stuff). I remember walking home from a friend’s house because my mum was adamant that I couldn’t accept a lift from her parents as it’d put them out (they couldn’t collect me as they’d been drinking). So instead I walked 15 minutes at 11.30pm, at 17. If your daughter is turning down opportunities to be safe because of your red lines, your red lines are the problem.

Are you being serious OP?

Or this is a wind up post.....!

But I do expect and apology from her about her attitude.

But she's already apologised. It says right there in your OP

She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going.

Have you apologised for being so draconian? Or do you think because its your house what you say goes, so you don't need to apologise.

@augustboymummy17 the bus to London costs £10?

Of course I care and love her, I am protective I admit and it's because I care. We don't have a bad relationship and (I hope) she doesn't keep things from me usually.

I’m in awe that a 17 year old organised a taxi to catch a 4:30 bus and managed to get up

I didn't say this to her but I did think at the time there's no way in hell she was getting up to catch a bus at 4.30 and I didn't want her letting people down because she decided to stay in bed. I was wrong

I don't think you should have banned her in the first place. It's not like she was doing anything immoral or dangerous. She obviously feels very strongly about Brexit and it's her right to protest. My parents would never have stopped me joining a protest march when I was days away from being 18. I was treated as an adult. If you cancel her 18th birthday treat she will never forget it.

I'd be proud of her.

I wouldn't cancel.

It's because I care

That sounds like an abuser talking.

I want you to stay home and not see your friends, because I care
I don't want you to voice your opinion, because I care
You have to do as I say, because I care.

If you cared about her you would have discussed it with her, talked about safe transport, about her plans for the day. But instead you banned it, that's not caring, it's controlling.

Don't cancel the party. The two things have nothing to do with each other.

Let her celebrate her birthday as planned, and wish her well as she becomes an adult.

Separately, I'd talk to her about Brexit and why she felt so strongly about the March to warrant deceiving you. LISTEN to what she says. She likely to give you a hundred young-adult vitally-important reasons why she deceived you. LISTEN to her before expressing why you didn't want her to go, why you were worried when you found the pillows and why you feel disappointed that she went despite you saying no. Tell her why you said no in the first place. Try to end on a place where you've both said what you think and feel about the march/deception and you both feel heard. As two adults you don't have to agree, but you do both have to be respectful.

OP - you expect an apology but will you apologise?
You are treating her like a child and forcing her to be dishonest. It’s quite unbelievable really.
You just don’t seem to get it, even when everyone here is spelling it out for you.
YABVU.
Enforcing unreasonable rules just because she’s living in your house sends a very negative message to your daughter about abuse of power and control.

She probably does keep things from you OP. The way youve spoken about dd reminds me of how my parents were with me. She must have a good head on her shoulders as I rebelled massively from the age of 14. My dd15 didnt go to school a week last friday because she wanted to protest against climate change in front of the town hall. I agreed that she could do this as its something she is passionate about. I got negative comments about this and my response was "she would have gone anyway and this way I know where shes going and who with..." Teenagers will do there thing and we can either embrace or fight against it.

Their not there! Bad grammar offence

FFS get a grip...you sound very domineering and controlling and time is slipping away fast when you won't be able to tell your daughter what to do.

You provoked this by telling her she couldn't go. You say yourself she could have had a left with a friends mum - but then you would have found out. So all of this is 100% on you and YOU owe HER the apology.

If you had just let her go and been proud of her political engagement, none of this would have happened. Take responsibility and stop being so controlling.

Your daughter sounds like an excellent young woman and you should be very proud of her.

Y would BVVU to cancel her party, instead order her an extra bottle of champagne.