To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

You should be proud of your daughter for making the effort to go - unlike many of the young adults who didn’t bother to vote in the referendum 🙄. She didn’t exactly sneak around; she was upfront with you and you found (quite weak) reasons for her not to go. You put her in a position where she either didn’t stand up for her views (and appeased your own) or sneaked off behind your back (potentially putting her safety at risk). Don’t cancel her party - it will stay with her for life and once the whole Brexit furore has died down you will regret such a knee jerk reaction.

Well, I am glad you are not cancelling her party OP.

But look at your own role at the start of this whole saga.

I admire your dd you should be proud and encourage her . Stop treating her like a child . If only only more people were like your dd the country won't be in such a mess .

The fact that you proudly describe your adult daughter as "good as gold," is making me feel very icky. What is "good as gold"? Does what mummy says, doesn't express her own opinions, keeps her gaze at floor level?

Yes, I was a bit taken aback by hearing that phrase applied to an adult! I can just picture the reaction if a man described his wife or girlfriend as "good as gold".

I do expect and apology
And are you going to be adult enough to apologise to your dd for trying to control her life and future?

Don't be ridiculous!

but she's still 17 and lives in my house and has to go by my rules which includes not going places if I say not to.
My DP had that attitude – and while we all responded differently it didn't really make for good relations with any of us.

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Thing is I can see why you were worried I just think talking it through, listening, seeing if there were compromises and explaining gets you further than forbidding.

I’d be having a calm talk about why you're upset and trying to move forward – rather than demanding an apology that may well not be meant.

Good for your DD!

Tell her solidarity from me, a 25 year old who would've also been at the march if I wasn't 40+2 on the day.

If you can't imagine ever telling your mother to wipe that look off her face you're lucky your mother has never done anything so utterly unreasonable that being rude was the only obvious response.

When I left home for university, my mother took it on herself to ring me up at 7am every morning to reassure herself I was ok. Asking her not to do it didn't work. Being blunt and rather rude finally did.

OP you cannot be serious!!!

Your daughter sounds awesome. I wish I’d shown the courage she did to join the march. I think I will always look back and regret not going. You should be proud that you have raised such an engaged and resourceful young woman. Yes she scared you, but it wouldn’t have taken a genius to work out where she had gone. I’d have a conversation where you explain that you freaked out when she wasn’t at home and that you didn’t like the Uber use, then I’d Tell her that actually you think it’s pretty bloody marvellous that she took part in something so important.

Be honest about what you're annoyed about. It's that she doesnt share your politics. If she wanted to go to Farage's 'march' I wonder what the answer would have been... YABVU.

There have been a few convictions in our area of Uber drivers assaulting young women
What are you talking about ? You really need to have a word with yourself. I'm concerned that you don't trust her or allow her any freedom and your highly paranoid.

She might still be living in your house but not for long I expect. You can’t dictate her political values.

I can understand your fear at her using the Uber and no one knowing (but presumably her friends would have noticed if she hadn’t turned up!). But... if you hadn’t been so draconian and ‘banned ‘ her from going, she would have told you her plans willingly.

If you try to control your near adult daughter like this then I'm afraid you'll drive an irredeemable wedge between the two of you. At this age all you can do is advise. House rules are about how you share the living space, not about what they do with their day to day lives.

If you link it to the party she will always remember how you tried to control her with it.

Why did you “forbid” her from going in the first place? Was it the fact that you found it pointless? I participated in anti-Iraq protests at around that age and if my mum had tried to forbid me from going because politicians knew best, or something like that, I might’ve done the same thing. I’m proud that today’s teenagers are so switched on and vocal about things. Cancelling her birthday over it may be satisfying now but will make you look dreadful in hindsight - don’t do it.

Regarding the Uber, her friends mum offered to pick her up but that would have run the risk of me finding out (I know said mum) or hearing a car outside so she took an I we instead which I thought was foolish when she had the safe option of a lift.

I didn't realise the term "good as gold" was icky I guess I'm used to having very young kids too. What I mean is she's usually respectful, doesn't heavy drink or take the piss with house rules etc, the worst thing I can usually say about her is she's lazy but hey that's teenagers for you.

No we don’t know your political views in that you haven’t spelt them out but your insinuating them.

Do you often speak/ treat to your Dd17 in the same way as your two youngest? Or was the “wipe that smirk off your face” remark and similar reactions and responses during this incident a one off?

I think you are right OP and I agree with those who have said you'll never get a reasoned response on here for anything to do with Brexit.

You'd regret cancelling the party but she needs to know that deceiving you and being rude is not acceptable so I think a calm talk about why you are upset and how close she has come to losing the privilege of having her 18th is the way to go

Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

You’re an absolute arsehole.

Sorry op sort of x posted there

It’s a shame she turned down a free lift because she was so worried about you finding out, I think that says something about how she sees you and is unable to be fully open with you. It also questions whether she lies to you about other things?
You need to give her more independence and ease the controlling, she’s practically an adult and soon you will have zero say in what she does. And it’ll push her to move out sooner.