To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

Yabvvvvvvu

OP it's pretty clear your politics are clouding your behaviour here. Your comments about it being a waste of time in your first post and then people wanting a "jolly" in your follow-up.

Keep on the way you are going and you'll either a) be successful in turning your daughter to just another apathetic person or b) push her away entirely.

She's almost 18, she's working out her place in the world and you trying to pigeonhole her into a box is only going to end in tears. She was defiant and rude, that's not ideal, but did you offer her a choice? Did you try to talk to her like an adult?

You want to to be a good parent to a grown up? Get prepared to deal better with differences of opinion. It's clear from your response in here you clearly don't do very well with that.

If you are going to treat her like a child then you forced her to act like one.
Your op was more about your political views then her safety, so I don't buy that..do you know she can move out like right now and is an adult, maybe you could have spoken about how she could have texted you when she got there and kept in touch..and did you actually mention the police? That is absolutely mortifying for her. Carry on like this and she won't want to spend time with you op. You will push her away. She is no longer achild and. You need to accept that.

What's unsafe about an Uber at 4am?

She may be nearly an adult but she's still 17 and lives in my house and has to go by my rules which includes not going places if I say not to

It's fine to have house rules but dictating to an adult where they can and can't go isn't fair or realistic. Are you planning to maintain that rule when she's 18? What about if she's still living at home at 19 or 20? Exactly how old does your daughter need to be before she no longer needs your permission to go out? She was exercising her right to peaceful protest, not taking drugs in a squat somewhere. Honestly, if this is the most rebellious thing she does consider yourself very, very lucky!

My sister had a party for her 6 year old. All in it came to nearly the cost that you are spending in your 18 year olds party, hiring a hall, games, food etc, so I personally don't think it's that 'special'.

Anyhow, you will push her away if you cancel and her behaviour will undoubtedly get worse as all of her friends will know what's happened. She will feel embarrassed and probably retaliate. Pick you battles. Get her to apologise and put it behind you.

Hi OP-Some of the responses which you have received seem unnecessarily vicious. Even if you called it wrong about her going to Lomdon, it doesnt make you tye worse motyer in the world.

The "wipe that look of your face" comment was horrible, and your DD should apologise for that. She didn't deserve a lift if she was going to be so rude.

It sounds as though you could both do with a chat. You probably were too controlling with an adult. But if your DD wants a.favour she needs to behave nicely. If she wants an adult relationship she can't expect to behave like a teenage brat.

I agree that cancelling her party would be OTT.

YABU. You’re pushing her away, if you cancel this you risk majorly fracturing your relationship with her.

Actually I don’t think 18th Birthday parties or any kind of parties should be “earned”, I think they should be given with love and in no way should be conditional. She will remember forever if you cancel hers.
She’s an adult in a few days, ridiculous!

OK, i hear you all, I'm not going to cancel, but I'll be making it clear that I considered it and it will go ahead despite the fact she lied. I think she'd never speak to me again if she had to tell her friends the party was off. They apparently all have parents much cooler than me already I wouldn't want to be even more of a social pariah to her.

I'm still angry about her attitude though and the way she went about it and will be expecting an apology about the face comment

Re the Uber - there's been too many horror stories about drivers for me to think that a young good looking 18yo girl is safe in one when no one knows where she is! And I don't know why people keep talking about my political views when I haven't even expressed them!

What she went to do is irrelevant. If you had said she’d snuck out to do something like go to a rave, the replies would have been completely different. Same with 18yo’s...’S/he is ONLY 18, you can’t expect them to xyz (basic task)’ v ‘S/he is 18 an ADULT’.

She’s your teenage daughter, you make the rules, she gets the benefits of living at home. She doesn’t suddenly get to do whatever the fuck she wants it sorak to you however she wants because she’s 18.

I wouldn’t cancel her 18th, but I’d be telling her in no uncertain terms that her attitude is FAR from acceptable. How dare she tell you to wipe that look off your face?!

Good grief, she’s an adult not a puppet on a string!

You can have house rules like no dirty shoes on the carpet, but you don’t get to say where adults living in your house go and who they meet.

You think an 18th birthday party should be "earned"? What about wanting to do something lovely to celebrate your daughter reaching adulthood? Jeez.

And "banning" someone who will, presumably, be off to university in a few months is an utterly ridiculous thing to do. You have to allow them to make decisions like this for themselves. She wasn't off taking drugs or stabbing people, she was engaging in political debate. If you genuinely don't think that she is responsible enough to do something like this a few days before her 18th birthday, then you have failed as a parent. And I actually think that you have put her at risk by putting her in a position where she couldn't tell you where she was going.

You sound exactly like my parents and it had a massive, enduring impact on our relationship. Does it give you no pause for thought that the vast majority of people on this thread disagree with you?!

I hope your dd leaves soon.
Your poor dd, you are beyond controlling.
You are destroying any relationship you have with your dd but you are too stubborn too see it.
I hope you realise it before it’s too late.

YABU. She snuck out to go to a political march for something she believes strongly in - not to drink Smirnoff Ice in a swing park. I understand why you're angry - she lied and she disobeyed you and then you were scared because you couldn't get in touch with her. But it's her 18th birthday. Taking that away from her, especially over something like this, will damage your relationship. Don't.

You don't get total control over your daughter purely because she lives in your house. You don't own her. She is becoming her own person and you sound be encouraging this, not stifling her. You're being difficult for the sake of it or on you're some kind of power trip.

I would open up a conversion with her asking how it went and admitting you weren't right in trying to hold her back and mean it but point out lying and sneaking around isn't right either and she needs to apologise for being rude to you.
Cancelling her 18th would be a huge overreaction and make you a massive nob and she'll never forgive you.

The "wipe that look of your face" comment was horrible, and your DD should apologise for that. She didn't deserve a lift if she was going to be so rude

She didn't want a lift, the op insisted!

Wow, I'm so glad my parents were never this controlling and I would never be the 'my house my rules' kind of control freak with my own children. What a sure way to drive her away.

Über!!! You’re really worried about an Uber
Jesus where do you live.
She didn’t fucking hitchhike

I find Ubers safer than mini cabs, I can see the number plate of the exact car I’m looking for, have a photo of my driver, the price will be deducted from my bank card so no cash needed, and i can see the driver star rating based on other passengers. And I can screenshot and send all that info to a friend to be extra safe.

I had parents who tried to ban me from things, and told me that in their house it was their rules. I was terrified of them and used to sneak around just to do things that everyone else considered normal. Even my friends' parents would cover for me as my parents controlled me so much. Even they, though, would not have cancelled my 18th birthday party, if only to save face.

I now live 4,000 miles away.

Think about the long term, and what you want your relationship to be with your adult child.

our daughter sounds great! A young girl wanting to have her voice heard. You should be proud. I see that you are upset as she disobeyed you. But you should've never asked her not to go in the first place! Well done to your daughter, she deserves a fantastic birthday party.

I don't think you'll get much sympathy on here as most are bleeding heart remainers.
I wouldn't cancel her birthday treat but I'd be punishing her another way, 1 for her rudeness and 2 for ignoring your rules. If she wants to live in your house then she must abide by your rules.

^What rot. This isn't about her political beliefs, as far as I'm concerned, although I admire her for having such strong opinions. (I have an 18 year old DNephew who is very similar to this, except that he's as strongly pro-Brexit.)

The OP is way too controlling, and is risking alienating her DD permanently. The rudeness wasn't great, but hardly surprising.

I assume she is your eldest child?
It’s quite a hard change going from ... do whatever I say as you live under my roof and actually accepting that kids/ adults will do things that fill you with fear and you have to let them.
It won’t be very long away that she has a choice if she wants to keep in touch or see you .. scary thought but true.
The time has flashed bye since my girls were late teens to early and mid 20,s .. both with their own financial and housing independence.
Choose your battles wisely, especially if your daughter is on the whole lovely girl .

It doesn't matter whether you see the point of the march or not. She wasn't trying to persuade you to go.

This was an important moment in her life, politically and socially, as a maturing young adult. You were wrong to insist she shouldn't go, in my view. She is almost 18 - old enough to make choices abut missing work for something so relevant to her future life and employment prospects. Discussing it with her, as an incipient adult, with mutual respect, would have been one thing. 'Banning her' was silly.

She should have had the sense to leave you a note, so you wouldn't worry. But she replied when called and, no harm done.