To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

And you'd be very, very unreasonable to cancel her 18th birthday party.

I don't think your justification is strong enough to deny her going in the first place, and I would have supported my child for something she felt convicted to take part in.

I would have rebelled at her age too. And fully expect plenty of shit for it. However, if you cancel her 18th, you are asking to drive a massive and long term wedge in your relationship with her.

You will not teach her any discipline from this. You will teach her that her mum doesn't have her back, and that holds a massive grudge.

YABVU

OP, I understand your concern for her safety. But given how you’ve handled it, she probably doesn’t. ‘My house my rules’ has a place in disciplining teenagers but sometimes it’s better just to put your hands up and admit you reacted badly. Sit down with her and explain calmly that your main concerns were for her safety. Tell her why you are worried about her using Uber - explain some of the news stories etc so jay she sees where you’re coming from. Say to her that in future you would like her to let you know what she’s doing for safety reasons but that you will treat her like and adult and not forbid her to do things which she’ll very soon be able to decide for herself anyway. Say to her that you wish it hadn’t blown up, it’s a learning experience on both sides, so can you both put it behind you and move on by having a lovely time for her birthday.

Sorry for garbled typing. Hopefully you get the gist.

She was rude to you and you have a right to be angry about that but I think you were way way out of line 'forbidding' her to attend a march. I really do not think at her age you can be forbidding her to go anywhere... those days are long gone op! Shes an adult now!
So it's just the rudeness issue.... and I think youd deeply regret cancelling the event for such a milestone birthday because she was slightly rude to you. Massive overreaction that would be remembered for the rest of her life and put a big strain on your future relationship.
I think you are going to have to stop 'forbidding' her from going places if you want a strong healthy relationship with her as an adult. Of course express your opinions... but she may not always share those opinions and she may not always do as you wish... as she will be an adult.

At 17 years old I wouldn’t have even thought about asking my mum to go to London, I would have told her I was going but that’s it.
She is allowed holidays from work so taking a day off is nothing if that’s how she wants to use her time off.

You need to stop controlling her. She would have told you she was going to London/getting an uber if you weren’t so controlling over her life. Parents who do this make it harder for their kids to stay ‘safer’ by letting them know where they are because you ban anything as soon as they mention they want to do something.

I haven't read the full thread, but I'm bewildered by the idea of forbidding an eighteen-year-old from going on a march! She's not a small child.

OP I think you can tell from my user name what I think.

I think your daughter was participating in democracy. What a fantastic thing.

The young like your daughter and the very elderly left me so inspired.

It was peaceful protest.

I am still on a high from the March.

Please thank her from me.

Don't cancel the birthday.

Why is getting an Uber at 4am so bad? Sure I did worse at 18.

Are you going to apologise for being unreasonable about letting her go?

And if you think an Uber is unsafe (you know who your driver and car are in advance, you know their rating, no cash needed, journey mapped online..) what do you consider safer? Black cab (John Warboys), night bus?

I can't believe you thought you could tell her what to do on this
She is an adult
Yes she should not have lied but you left her little choice
YABVVU

@NattyGeo tbh, if I was your daughter, I wouldn't want the party anyway, as you seem like the kind of person that will throw it back in her face every time she does something you disagree with. I wouldn't want a party/gift that came with conditions.

You're obviously a control freak - thank god your daughter is a strong enough person to stand up to you.

My mother was the same - I left home at 18 and went completely no contact 2 years later. It's been 15 years now and my only regret is that I couldn't do it sooner!

Talk to her about responsibility and safety but you shouldn't have told her she couldn't go.

Don't cancel her birthday

You can have house rules like no dirty shoes on the carpet, but you don’t get to say where adults living in your house go and who they meet
My mum thought she could say where I could go, who I could see and I had to be in by 23.pphrs when I was 18. It was easier to leave and move to a different county than stay.
She still can't understand my problem 35 years later!!!!

Don’t cancel the party !
I like sound of your dd !!!
Not so impressed with you 😊

Do not cancel her birthday! It's her 18th and a milestone, that is an act that would never be forgotten.

YABU for forbidding her to go on an organized march because you don't see the point. (sure fire way to get her to do it, surely?). I wish we had more young people like her. In your shoes, I would apologize for laying down the law like that and say that perhaps in the future you would like it if you both communicated better about your feelings and respect each other more. You can't expect her to respect you if you don't show her any respect as well.

I was on the people’s vote march on behalf of my 3 DC (including my 17 year old DD) and my future DGC.

My DD has mentioned going on the climate change marches to me and I’ve expressed reservations about her missing a level lessons, though as she is 17 she knows it’s ultimately her choice. This thread has just led me to tell her if she feels strongly she should go and to offer to take time off work if she can’t find more youthful company to go with.

I hope everyone posting messages of support for the OP’s DD takes a moment to offer their own DC their support for this.

If this is about responsibility and she has a job then she must be earning money. Make her pay (or at least contribute) to her party. How did she pay for the Uber and bus to London?
At 17/18 I had freedom to do pretty much as I wanted but I also paid my own way as I was earning. That included my birthday celebrations.

Crikey, my niece moved 200 miles away from home three months before her 18th birthday in order to study at a dance college. Her mum had little idea what she was up to from then on!

I bet there's a lot of things your dd doesn't tell you or ask you about.

“Talk to her about responsibility and safety “

Safety? A National Express coach and a march which was so polite in nature that there was no litter and if anyone slightly bumped into you in tne crush they apologised?

There have been a few convictions in our area of Uber drivers assaulting young women, it doesn't sit right with me that she got one when no one knew (and and she went a few street away to catch it so the noise of the car didn't wake us).

For those who haven't caught up - I'm not cancelling the party. But I do expect and apology from her about her attitude. And I am very proud of her, but it's hard to feel pride when your kids have just scared there living shit out of you. And yes she my oldest, my other 2 children are much younger primary/nursery age.

YABU and sound very controlling. She's an adult! No wonder she had to sneak out. Good on her for being politically engaged and knowing her own mind. If you cancel her birthday she's not going to forget it in a hurry.