To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

@ShadowMane you are a conjuror!

Control freak mother. I hope the daughter leaves soon.

Cancel the party.
That's your prerogative.

But stop fucking controlling your almost adult child. It makes you sound like a dick. Most teenagers wouldn't want a wanky party, like you're offering, anyway.

When I was your DD's age, I was living in my own apartment in a different city from my parents.

Just to play devils advocate here - what would all your responses be if then OPs DD has snuck off to an Pro-Brexit march?

Exactly the same response. If she was protesting anything in a legal and respectful manner then I'm all for it.

OP she should apologise for the wipe that look off comment which is bloody rude, but you were controlling.

Also please tell me which spa is charging £350 for 5 people having a tasting menu and spa access as it sounds lovely!

If you want to cancel it then cancel it, but be aware it might shape the future of your relationship.

I do agree whilst she lives with you she should follow house rules, but not that she can't go anywhere if you don't want her to. That's so controlling!

You will absolutely regret cancelling!!
Her 18th is a special,milestone birthday,do you want it remembered for ever as a miserable time?
You said your dd is usually as good as gold,are you not celebrating her 18 years of wonderful life,happy memories and love?a chance to wish her well as she moves into adulthood?
This is not about you being annoyed.get over yourself and remember how very lucky you are to have a happy healthy daughter and continue with the celebrations.
Ruin it,and,as I said,you will seriously regret it .

And I haven't replied sooner (it's only been 2 hours since I made my OP!) because I do things on a Sunday. Anyone who thinks this isn't genuine is welcome to report to MNHQ.

I think you will massively regret cancelling the party. It's part of being a parent to see the bigger picture, that she is usually, as you say - good as gold - and she went to the most important political rally of the past 50 years, not a nightclub. So, she didn't go about it the best way (although I assume she did ask to go before she snuck off) but that's what kids do before they learn how to negotiate...

YABVVVVVU!!! Are you always this controlling?! No wonder she put pillows in her bed and snuck out! She didn’t actually need your permission to go to the March at all! She’s almost 18 and will be an adult very soon. Are you still going to be furious when she does things without your permission at 30??!!

Cancel her birthday if you like but it’ll only cause more resentment and if she’s that interested in politics I’m willing to bet that she’ll see going to the People’s March much more important than a spa day!

She’s not deliberately going against your wishes because she disrespects you and should be punished but because its something she believes in. She’s not 14 and has snuck out to go drinking on a park! She’s very nearly an adult standing up for something she believes in and that should be supported by her parents.

Well done your daughter. The country needs young people to be politically engaged.

Your dd lives under your roof so yes she needs to be respectful etc but you CANNOT dictate what she does. Can't you see how controlling that is?

I am assuming she may be going to uni in Sept? Well guess what? There will be plenty of getting ubers at 4am then. At least she was sober and had her wits about her this time.

Yes OP, you have been controlling. She needs to be more independent from you, that's obvious. She has here own Saturday job, she can pay for her own 18th party (which is pretty wanky remember!) If she's not already, she can either start paying rent, or she can move out. I hope she's saved for university!

I have quite different views that my parents (especially my DM) but they have always been content for me to be open to express my views.

They have raised me to think for myself and stand up for my own beliefs

But why was it so important to you that she didn't go on this march?

She had to get up early - not you
She lost a days wages

Why did you choose the march as the hill you were prepared to die on?

Why do you think an Uber at 4am was so unsafe?
Your update does not make me think any differently to be honest

Would be annoyed with taking a day of work to do this . But really it would be none of my business , I say pick your arguments with teenagers and certainly don’t stop her birthday treat .

Actually I would cancel it. All the posters who were living alone at 18 are irrelevant. I doubt their parents paid for elaborate 18th birthday celebrations for them.
Your DD lives at home. You made it clear you didn't want her to go and tbh having to miss a day of work is a good enough reason not to go.
Your DD could have told you she was going despite your reservations. That would have been an adult approach.
Instead, she sneaked out like a child, didn't answer her phone and then was rude when you collected her.

I think it's wonderful she is being proactive and doing something she believes in. I would be proud of her resourcefulness. I wouldn't cancel.

I really wouldn't cancel, if you must punish her then use something else. I think having something to remember for years to come will outweigh all other things at this point. She'll have left home soon, I imagine and you'll regret not grabbing the bonding time when you could.

She's usually good as gold?! She's legally an adult in less than a week for goodness sake!

And the "budding leftie" comment is EXACTLY the sort of thing my mother would have said. We are now no contact. I am proud of who I am and you should be proud of your daughter regardless, not just when she does as you say, or you will run the risk of losing her

And I think an almost 18 year old 'sneaking' around is normal x

Your house your rules apply to stuff like boyfriends staying over, sharing chores etc, surely not telling a young woman where she can go and what she can do. You sound like a controlling nightmare tbh.

I very much doubt she will be living in your house much longer.