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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be perfectly delighted that my kids are growing up?

74 replies

Echobelly · 24/03/2019 10:28

I see a lot of people online saying how sad they are that their kids call them 'Mum' not 'mummy' or they're going to secondary school, or they don't need their parents to do things for them anymore, and they're not their 'babies' anymore etc.

I'm personally happy and excited when my kids start doing things for themselves (I don't want to be tying shoelaces forever, although it does feel like I will be with my kids ) and when they move on to new stages of their lives. After all, it's my job to help them get there, I don't feel any melancholy at all about them growing up.

OP posts:

frenchonion · 24/03/2019 10:32

Same! I never say it aloud any more as most people are horrified when I do. I'm spending the day with my eldest DD (10) and loved that we could watch a film we both liked last night that wasnt a cheesy kids movie, that she got herself up and dressed without waking me so I got a little lie in. Having a lovely chat with her and doing fun stuff that I like doing too today, not schlepping around soft plays or whatever.

corythatwas · 24/03/2019 10:33

I do confess to sometimes missing a snuggly body. Or, in the case of my eldest, missing her being there full stop. But at the same time- it is exciting and it doesn't get any less exciting when they grow up. I love having grown-up children.

And so much easier to keep in touch these days with text messages and social media and cheap phone calls. I don't think anyone under the age of 30 or perhaps even 40 can have an idea of what it was like when a weekly or monthly telephone call had to be monitored anxiously because of the expense.

PhilODox · 24/03/2019 10:35

My eldest is bigger than me, and loves to look down at me, often does so with glee. But still calls me "Mummy".
It's lovely seeing them blossom into amazing young people, isn't it?

FuckertyBoo · 24/03/2019 10:35

Mine are still quite little, but I think them growing up a little bittersweet. I’m glad they’re growing up and becoming independent, but I sometimes miss the baby stage too.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 24/03/2019 10:39

If yours are still at shoelace-tying stage, do you not think that it's partly just that you haven't reached the same point as some of these other parents?

So much depends on the parent and on the child. With ds1 I relished the snuggly baby stage, especially when he became an (ahem) spirited toddler, and didn't understand all those odd mothers wishing the days away. Then I had colicky Ds2 and suddenly understood.

Seems like this might be the same kind of thing.

Sweetbabycheezits · 24/03/2019 10:49

I feel the same, OP! I really struggled with the baby years...I loved them, but I just wasn't a baby person. Mine are 12 and 11 now, and they are funny, smart and I love chatting with them. I love watching them gain some independence. They still call me Mummy at home, but not if they're with friends 😂, so I still have the last bit of little kid to hang on to!

BlackCatSleeping · 24/03/2019 10:53

Oh, no. I feel so bitter sweet about it all.

I mean it's so lovely and amazing that they are growing up but sad too. I'll cry buckets when my youngest starts big school. I'll be really happy and proud of her, but sad too that's she becoming so grown up.

Toomuchgoingon · 24/03/2019 10:54

Me too. DH and I love having the ability to have a bit of time together during the day whilst the kids are happy doing their thing, even if it just means watching an hour of tv. I will be sad though when DS no longer puts his small hand into mine.....

AllesAusLiebe · 24/03/2019 10:57

This is quite heartening to read. I have a 6 month old boy and I’m very much looking forward to him growing up! My mother thinks I’m crazy and ‘wishing his life away’, but it’s much more than that.

Sure, I can’t wait until he’s not a baby anymore because I’m finding it tough and I’m simply not in tune with my maternal instinct (in fact, I don’t think I have one!).

It’s more the fact that I’m excited to see what type of person he’s going to be, what his interests are and sharing and encouraging him in them. I love the idea that I can help him develop an understanding of the world and that one day we’ll be sitting watching a movie together or talking about how interesting the book he’s currently reading is.

Personally, I think this is all sounding like very healthy relationships!

redredrobins · 24/03/2019 11:02

My two are now in their 30's and we get on really well, I am very proud of the men they have become but that doesn't mean I don't miss my babies

ThePlaceToVent · 24/03/2019 11:06

I don’t get people saying they were sobbing at their child leaving primary school/getting bigger/moving on to another stage in life.

It’s a bit pathetic tbh.

SluggishSnail · 24/03/2019 11:08

I have three teens and they are fabulous! I don't miss the lego, the softplay, the endless parties, cupcakes every 5 mins.

I took DD2 to Venice for her 15th birthday and it was amazing.

BlackCatSleeping · 24/03/2019 11:08

It’s a bit pathetic tbh.

I know. I can't help it though. 😂

Ninkaninus · 24/03/2019 11:08

Yes, I’ve always been happy and proud when my children have made their next developmental leap and taken another step toward independence.

Of course I had a pang of sadness when my little one started school, and finished primary school, because it was the end of that chapter in her and my life, and wouldn’t be repeated with the next little one.

I do not agree that a woman should be utterly subsumed by motherhood, and I don’t agree that children should be given the burden of providing all the meaning and fulfilment in their mother’s existence.

It is a parent’s job to foster independence, to create well-rounded, capable and secure children - teenagers - adults, and finally to let them go! You don’t do that in one fell swoop when they turn 18, you do it in many little steps along the way, and you can’t do it very well if you’re weeping and wailing and trying to hold on to your ‘babies’.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 24/03/2019 11:09

Most of the time I love it, but then occasionally I'll find a little pair of his baby dungarees that I haven't had the heart to give away, and that brings on a pang of regret for the old days. I'd like to have him at every age really!

Except 8-10 months, when he was a grumpy little sod.

crosser62 · 24/03/2019 11:13

Mine have a huge age gap so my eldest is slipping away from us, independent and an individual person. Does his own thing, only needs me to fill the fridge and clean his clothes.

But I get to do it all but better with my little one and I can’t tell you how much of a privilege it is and how I’ve squeezed every last drop of snuggliness and chubbies and giggles out of my little one.
I have got the joy of parenting my children over 30 years rather than a short and fleeting 15-20.
And I’m bloody loving it.

Witchend · 24/03/2019 11:14

I'm assuming from what you say yours are all primary.

When mine were all primary I would have agreed with you.

I now have all secondary age and one about to go off to uni in September. I now realise how quickly it went and have moments when I wish to have them back at the stage when a bumped knee was a major worry and they liked to come and curl up on my lap. I have to admit now having pangs about them growing up. But I didn't when mine were your dc's ages.

FuckertyBoo · 24/03/2019 11:16

I'd like to have him at every age really!

YY, it’s this for me too. I would never wish away the people they are now or who they will become, but I loved them as babies, I love my now toddler and preschooler and I’m sure I will love them at every age. I feel the same about my own life tbh; I loved university, then living with my Dh and travelling about, living in our little flat with one baby and now out in the sticks with two children.

Just because I miss the old days doesn’t mean I would wish away the present or future.

tabulahrasa · 24/03/2019 11:16

“I don't feel any melancholy at all about them growing up.”

You might still though...

I wasn’t sad about any of those things, but the youngest leaving secondary school made me really go, oh... I don’t have children anymore.

I mean, they’re great adults and I like spending time with them and I’m proud of what they do - but sometimes I miss who they were a bit.

I miss Christmas with children for instance. Once they’re not excited anymore it’s all a bit... boring, it’s perfectly pleasant, but it’s not the same.

StarlingsEverywhere · 24/03/2019 11:16

I sometimes kind of miss DS being tiny and snuggly. But then I remind myself how much more fun it is now he’s older!

H0wt0kn0w · 24/03/2019 11:16

I am as well! Much more freedom now. I felt like I had to micro manage everything when they were tiny, every mouthful they ate, everything they hopefully learnt that day, that they were safe, encouraged, supported. It's all much easier now. Taken my foot off the pedal a bit. They're themselves. If I go out and they order a spice bag and bleach their hair blonde the sky won't fall down. I love it.

ChoudeBruxelles · 24/03/2019 11:17

My job is to get ds to the point of living independently (and hopefully happily).

“Now is the best” is something I remind myself of. And it’s great. This morning I slept til 9am and later ds will walk the dogs while I do something else because he’s now old enough.

JaneEyre07 · 24/03/2019 11:18

My youngest is now 21, eldest is 26 and has DC of her own.

I can honestly say that I've adored every single stage with mine, and there is still always something to look forward to. Both DH and I said the other day that having adult DC is a complete joy in comparison to the back breaking and exhausting years of having todders/primary age kids although I wouldn't have changed a moment of it. Their independence from you is something to cherish, not dread.

Penguinpandarabbit · 24/03/2019 11:19

Mine are 12 and 13 and quite happy to have survived to this point and glad not to be needed as much.

Though my 12 year old is ASD so still needs me a lot which is nice, my 13 year old gets in some strops now so be careful what you wish for It will be really strange when they leave home in 5-6 years and I am sure will miss them like crazy then.

YouBumder · 24/03/2019 11:21

While I have the occasional pang when I see old photos etc I’m happier now they’re bigger for many reasons. Eldest is 13 and doesn’t need after school care any more and in a few years youngest will be the same which eases a lot of stress. I like the fact they need less looking after. I can’t believe how quickly it’s gone though

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