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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be perfectly delighted that my kids are growing up?

74 replies

Echobelly · 24/03/2019 10:28

I see a lot of people online saying how sad they are that their kids call them 'Mum' not 'mummy' or they're going to secondary school, or they don't need their parents to do things for them anymore, and they're not their 'babies' anymore etc.

I'm personally happy and excited when my kids start doing things for themselves (I don't want to be tying shoelaces forever, although it does feel like I will be with my kids Wink ) and when they move on to new stages of their lives. After all, it's my job to help them get there, I don't feel any melancholy at all about them growing up.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 24/03/2019 11:22

Mine was 44 last week. I’m enjoying him more than ever now. We have long discussions about all sorts of things, he’s good company and I’m proud of the man I raised.

Ninkaninus · 24/03/2019 11:22

Mine are 23 and 20 and it’s great! In fact I was just saying to my OH that I really must go and get my coil changed ASAP as I do not want to have to do the whole baby thing over again! Grin

Maryann1975 · 24/03/2019 11:26

I love having children and am really maternal, but I do love each ‘next stage’. My youngest is nearly 9 and I love them having more independence and their growing personalities. Maybe when they are grown and gone I will pine for them, but I love that I am producing well rounded members of society.

When mine were babies I used to look at people with older children and feel sad for them that their babies had grown up, but now I see that this stage is just as good as what we had 10 years ago, maybe even better as the daily drudge seems to have gone away.

DrSeuss · 24/03/2019 11:34

Surely moving to the next stage is a sign that you're doing it right? If they don't mature and become independent, providing they are neuro typical and have no other conditions, then you should be worried.

I always think of a friend's son who sustained a birth injury so severe he will basically be a baby forever.

Echobelly · 24/03/2019 11:36

DS is 7, DD 10 and going to secondary school in September. I'm very excited for her. Yesterday she had her first experience of going out and hanging out rounds shops/cafes on high street with a friend without an adult around - I told her there will be much more of this in her future.

I loved it when, circa 8/9, DD got old enough for us share personal jokes together and that kind of thing. Also we started sending her to the corner shop (which she still loves) to buy things we need, which was liberating for both her and us.

I try to think about independence in terms of what they need to do next - ie, I knew she'd be making her own way to and from secondary school, so she'd better start going places independently a year or two before. I think it's a more helpful way to think of things than 'He/she's too young to do that!'

OP posts:
MillicentMartha · 24/03/2019 11:37

I love the people my DC are turning into. But my oldest DS will be staring a graduate job in September in a far away city, my youngest will be going to university the year after. I am very proud of them but I will miss them when they go.

I was a bit sad when DS3 left primary school. I had recently divorced and that end of that daily contact with friends was difficult.

I miss the cute cuddles, the bone crushing ones I now get occasionally don’t make up for it. I’m looking forward to DS3 growing out of the uncommunicative teenager stage.

My DS2 has ASD, he’s 19 now and does rely on me heavily. He won’t be leaving home in the foreseeable future. So it’s a bit like he hasn’t grown up. Except he’s not a cute child who I can scoop up make decisions for. It’s all about negotiation. I love having him around but he’s not good company like DS1. He doesn’t communicate particularly well.

I know that, despite being slightly sad my other 2 are growing/ have grown up, their continuing development and independence are something to celebrate. DS2 might get there. It’ll be a much longer process, but I won’t live forever!

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 24/03/2019 11:41

Same here! I'm so proud of mine (even though they drive me bonkers) and seeing them growing is an absolute privilege. A friend's LO sadly died hours after birth - I will never, ever complain about how 'fast' mine are growing, I'm so lucky they are happy and healthy and I won't take that for granted.

BitchQueen90 · 24/03/2019 11:41

I was ecstatic when DS started school as I'm a single mum and it meant I could work without being crippled by childcare costs.

DS is nearly 6. I love watching him grow up. I'm not particularly fond of babies and toddlers which is one of the reasons I'm sticking with one child.

I will feel sad when he doesn't need me any more though. Although my closest friend and I both had our children in our very early 20s and we often talk about the holidays we're planning when we're 40 and our DC are grown! Grin

Jaggypinecone · 24/03/2019 11:53

The irony of being a successful parent is to make yourself totally redundant! And I too relish the increase in freedom.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 24/03/2019 11:54

It's possible to feel both though. You can be excited about the future and feel nostalgic about the past at the same time.

LEELULUMPKIN · 24/03/2019 11:58

I would be totally with you OP, however our DS is now 14 and is severely disabled.

There are so many problems that are coming with his growing up. He is getting a big lad and harder to lift and dress.

He is very strong and almost taller than me already.

Puberty is well and truly kicking in with a little "tache" now present and cleaning all his bits with the accompanying hair is a nightmare.

I am absolutely dreading the future and wish he could stay at about age 10 (his mental age is approx 4)

Oh and that my DH and I never age too so that we will always be around for him.

If wishes were gold eh? :)

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 24/03/2019 11:59

I also love it OP. I hated the baby stage...but love that all mine are now grown up, independent, and I don't need to do the park/soft play crap anymore. However, its a whole new set of worries now....and I sometimes wish they were all little again so I knew where they were and what they were doing. That doesn't last long though !!

YouBumder · 24/03/2019 12:00

I did the same with my son @echobelly in preparation for starting high school. Took him to the shopping centre and went for a coffee while he wandered about. I also started letting him come home on the school bus on his own on Fridays and letting himself into the house

BackinTimeforBeer · 24/03/2019 12:01

I'm loving having teenagers (apart from the brief Kevin&Perry stage) much more than toddlers, they are funny and interesting to talk to, I like their friends so much more now I don't have to look after them when they visit. I never lamented the passing of time but I am missing them while they prepare for the summer exams

Dimsumlosesum · 24/03/2019 12:01

I love it. Much better by miles than the horror that is the newborn/toddler phases, shudder.

Echobelly · 24/03/2019 12:05

DD is already walking to school (1 mile away) once a week to choir practise and has to get in early - I'd have her do it every day but she has a younger brother so she usually goes in with him an au pair. She has a Guides meeting once a week in a place right next door to a tube station two stops away from ours (we're 5 mins from our stop) and once the clocks go back I'm probably going to get her a child Oyster so she can take herself there once the evenings are light. Will still pick her up, but it would make life much easier on those evenings as it's around DS's bedtime when she goes out. I am totally not above letting my kids make life a bit easier when they are ready.

OP posts:
Obi73 · 24/03/2019 12:08

DD is 20 - new needs, experiences and relationship but still calls me mummy when she wants something and still needs, hugs, love & reassurances.
Still a mum, still needed & much loved - just different x

Bookworm4 · 24/03/2019 12:09

My youngest DD is 13 and I love her at this age, she has an age gap with her 3 siblings which has turned out great, for the last 2 years her and I have being going on a few holidays a year and her company is wonderful: she's a mature, funny, clever girl and our time alone has really strengthened our bond; I'm very proud of her.

Ragwort · 24/03/2019 12:12

I am delighted that my DS is now 18 and (hopefully) heading off to uni in Sept, I am just pleased that he is growing up to be an independent young man and I genuinely hope he now makes his own way in the world and doesn’t need to come home to live after uni. Not saying that I’d throw him out of course but surely it’s good that our DC become independent? And I am loving the freedom to ‘live my own life’ again, this weekend I am away, on my own, and it is bliss.

Honestly, I would not wish to go back to those previous years, and Christmas without young children is wonderful Grin.

Home77 · 24/03/2019 12:12

I like when they are secondary age and can check their own school homework online and it is more their responsibility. Also can make their own way too and from school. Don't miss the after school busy playground and pick ups from primary either.

ElspethFlashman · 24/03/2019 12:18

I'm still in the nightly wake ups phase and we haven't slept in years. God forbid I have the temerity to mention at work that I had a bad night.

"Oh but you don't realise, it goes so fast!"
"You'll never get this time again"
"They're only this age once, you should cherish it"
"There'll come a time you miss these days"

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. The baby years have been horrendous and every month that passes is one step further away from some really dark times.

Every sign of independence is a gift. Bring it on!

BertieBotts · 24/03/2019 12:19

I have liked my kids at every age (I won't mention the bad patch) and I don't experience a desire for them to be little again, even though I have enjoyed it when going through it. I identify with what Fuckerty says too about phases of life.

HazelBite · 24/03/2019 12:21

I've never got rid of mine!!!
I have two aged 31 still living in the family home (with partners) and now one of the ones I got rid of brings his DC's for "lloking after"
Believe me they never "leave" you and if you love them you never stop worrying about them, the problems just change!

OublietteBravo · 24/03/2019 12:25

I love my teenagers. I don’t understand why teenagers in general have such a bad press. They’re great.

blueskiesovertheforest · 24/03/2019 12:30

Me too.

I do love the tiny toddler phase, there is nothing as heart fillingly cute as a child whose only recently learned to walk and the absolute trust they have in their parents, the way they get excited over ordinary things like a bird or a tractor or a swing...

However I would not go back to that phase for anything.

My children sleep!

They only wake me in the night if they're actually genuinely ill.

I went years without a night's sleep...

They also take themselves to school, stay home alone, take responsibility for their own homework (the older 2 - dc2 asks for help learning for tests but importantly he initiates it) the older two cook for the family occasionally, the eldest puts a load of laundry on if she needs something that's still in the dirty basket (need to work on that with the middle one). Eldest keeps her room beautifully tidy and regularly reorganises it (younger two don't...).

The older two make me a cup of tea sometimes even though they don't like tea themselves - middle one is most likely to do that. They take responsibility for knowing when they have football matches and checking whether we can drive them, whether we can give their friends lifts, whether they need to ask for lifts, whether their kit is clean...

Even the youngest can make himself breakfast or a sandwich and obviously his cold drinks, hosts his friends himself when they come over, can make phone calls using the landline and makes the calls to organise playing with his friends, with my permission and walks or cycles himself to friends in the village.

They're all very amusing and say some startlingly insightful things.

Them growing up and becoming independent means everything is going as it should. It's a good thing. It makes them feel confident and happy too.

Infantilising children is like wanting them to be ill or something, it's weird.

Mine still all call me mummy though Blush

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