To ask how often you speak to your MIL?

[CakePigeon4]

MIL and I get on fine, they live a way away so we don’t see them that often, but generally have a nice time when we go to stay. However MIL is always making little digs that I should contact her more - despite the fact that she has never rung me in the 12 years DH & I have been married. I’m not sure what I would say if I did ring her - we have very little in common, and she’s not exactly a talker at the best of times, and I find conversation quite hard work when I’m with her.

So am I a crap daughter-in-law?! How often do you speak to your MILs? Is it not normal to just get news updates from DH, rather than expecting me to ring her?

Never in the 18 years I've known her

Rarely. I don't do wifework 🤷‍♀️

I email mine sometimes, she likes to know what the children want for birthdays and Christmas, so I send her a list with links to the value she lets me know she wants to spend. I will also email if I have anything I need to let her know about. I don't call though. Ever.

most days!

SparkyTheCat
Why is it ‘wifework’?

Every couple of days on WhatsApp and if I'm in the room when DH Skypes. I probably talk more to her than my own mother, but she's warmer and so much easier to talk to.

I don't speak to mine at all. DH prefares it this way

I’m a DIL and a MIL.

I think many of you need to think about the example you are showing your own children.

What goes around comes around.

DH will ring his DM 2 or 3 times a week on his way home from work, we usually see her once a week (either for coffee on Saturday or lunch on Sunday) I would never ring her for a chat... we don't have kids tho, so not sure if it's something that would be expected then (although it still won't happen)
We do have a family text group where most family conversation takes place (DH is one of 3, all married, so there's 8 of us in the group)

@SparkyTheCat I’m sure you didn’t mean for your comment to come across as smug as it sounded - but WTF even is ‘wifework’?!

@S021 the example will be that you don’t have to be polite to people who aren’t kind to you. That you don’t have to tolerate toxic people in your life. That it’s not ok to treat people badly and expect them to remain in your life. I don’t know about you but I’m pretty happy with the example I’m teaching my DS.

Yeah, easy to say be nicer. I'd happily have a closer relationship but definite boundaries not set by me...

Not even sure MiL is that keen on DH.

Only when I have to.
I used to. Then she did something that I won’t forgive.
I’m civil for the children if I have to be in the same room that’s it.

I actively avoid speaking to her at all costs

That you don’t have to tolerate toxic people in your life. That it’s not ok to treat people badly and expect them to remain in your life.

Well that was a drip feed from your ‘we have very little in common, and she’s not exactly a talker at the best of times’ comment in your OP!

I see her once a week when I pick my son up from her house on the day she looks after him. I always make sure to stay for a cuppa and a chat. We also usually go for lunch during school holidays as we both work term time only.

@S021 I was replying to your comment - I think many of you need to think about the example you are showing your own children and referring to other’s posts, not just my own. Although yes I absolutely would describe MIL as toxic, I didn’t feel the need to go into her behaviour in more depth as that wasn’t the point of the post.

SO21 because when a man gets married/partnered up there's often the expectation the wife/partner will take on the emotional and practical work of communicating with his family.

*I think many of you need to think about the example you are showing your own children.

What goes around comes around.*

The example I am showing my children is that I will not allow a miserable old bitch to make mean and spiteful comments about my daughter, treat her with disdain while making out my son is a prince among men. Nor will I allow her to talk to DS and totally ignore DD. Nor will I allow her to make sexist and racist comments in front of us and not call her out on it.

I have however taught them that although she is a miserable cow and they don't want to spend time with her (they are now adults so make the choice) she is also their father's mother and as such are to be polite to her when they do see her.

She has never said one nice thing about my daughter in over 24 years. She is a nasty, mean woman.

I have learned a lot about how not to behave as a MIL from her awful behaviour. So I am hoping it doesn't 'come around'.

I’m a DIL and a MIL.

I think many of you need to think about the example you are showing your own children.

What goes around comes around.

Meh, if any future dil of mine treats me exactly like I’ve treated my mil, I’ll be happy 🤷‍♀️.

If my dd treated any future dil of mine like my sils have treated me though, I would think I had gone a bit wrong somewhere along the line...

Not having a super close relationship with your mil though, doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ dil. It’s partly down to circumstances, like how close you live to one another, if your mil maybe has lots of other children and grandchildren who take up a lot of her time etc.

If you are fortunate enough to have a mil, and a dil, that have a really close relationship with you, that you all enjoy, then that is probably as much to do with your circumstances and good fortune than anything else.

I would never cut out my mil, unless dh wanted to for some reason, (he does not), or be anything but friendly to her. I host her, have a little text message chat with her a couple of times a month and am always happy to accommodate her if she ever wants to see our dcs.

But, we are not best friends and I wouldn’t phone her for a friendly chat. She’d look at me as if I had two heads if I did as, guess what? She doesn’t want that sort of relationship with me any more than I do with her 🤷‍♀️.

So you can stick your judgemental “what goes around” nonsense in your pipe and smoke it.

Some mils are genuinely toxic as well, so if people have had to go NC with people like that, I really can’t blame them... and if what goes around comes around? Don’t be toxic and it won’t come round to you.

Probably a couple of times a year - once a year when I ring to thank her for my birthday present and the only other time is if she rings when DH isn't in and I answer the landline (she still uses that!). If DH is around and I see her number come up I will let him answer - it's his mother after all!

I get on fine with her - we go and visit 2 or 3 times a year (they are a 4 hour drive away) but DH has always rung her and when my DM was alive, I always communicated with her. Same goes for siblings in this household - DH generally rings his 2 brothers and I ring mine.

Every day. Get on with her a majority of the time but we do have our differences and disagreements.
Unless she's completely toxic then there's no reason not to contact her every few days or even just once a week.

We have never (in 9 years) called to chat, neither does DP. We all prefer it that way. We do see each other often, usually once a week spring, autumn and winter. We see her maybe once in summer but that's because she works away for a few months.

Even in summer we never ring for a chat, if there's an emergency we know she'll make time, and vice versa.

My DM is a different kettle of fish, and likes daily phone calls. I find it exhausting.

I should also add that MIL is so so lovely and I really enjoy spending time with her.

We just don't feel the need to speak on the phone, and she's the same way with everyone in her family.

I would have just said to her, "Oh give me a ring when you fancy a chat." If she doesn't ring, then she clearly doesn't want a chat. Some people seem to forget the phone works both ways.