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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how often you speak to your MIL?

176 replies

CakePigeon4 · 24/03/2019 09:15

MIL and I get on fine, they live a way away so we don’t see them that often, but generally have a nice time when we go to stay. However MIL is always making little digs that I should contact her more - despite the fact that she has never rung me in the 12 years DH & I have been married. I’m not sure what I would say if I did ring her - we have very little in common, and she’s not exactly a talker at the best of times, and I find conversation quite hard work when I’m with her.

So am I a crap daughter-in-law?! How often do you speak to your MILs? Is it not normal to just get news updates from DH, rather than expecting me to ring her?

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 24/03/2019 12:40

Never once rung or texted my MIL dont even know her number?
My husband speaks to her because shes his mother!
I dont dislike her and we havent fallen out but I'd find it very odd to be expected to personally call her.
My husband would never ring my mum lol! And they get on well too.

hardyloveit · 24/03/2019 12:56

Text every few days. I phone once or twice a week for a chat (can last over an hour normally) Dh FaceTimes her about 3 times a week so the kids can see her. She lives about an hour away. I'm close to my MIL. I speak to my own mum everyday on the phone and FaceTime most days - she lives abroad now.

Shitonthebloodything · 24/03/2019 13:38

I speak to my mil a couple of times a day most days!
She only lives 5 mins away and often pops in too, it drives me crazy sometimes but she's the loveliest, kindest person ever and we are so lucky to have her. I don't have much of a relationship with my own mum so I think that makes me appreciate her and see the good in it.

FuckertyBoo · 24/03/2019 14:05

I don't have much of a relationship with my own mum so I think that makes me appreciate her and see the good in it.

Meh, my mum is dead, and died fairly young, before I had any dcs, but it definitely doesn’t make me want to see my mil every day... But then, I adored my mum, though she wasn’t always easy, and much as I like my mil, she is no replacement.

Mil wouldn’t want to see us every day either though tbf.

Middlrm · 24/03/2019 14:07

Text mine with pictures and updates of grandchild see with husband weekly or two weekly x

MinnieMountain · 24/03/2019 14:08

MIL does our childcare and I'm the one who collects DS from her. So at least twice a week.
We get on well but I'd never ring her for a general chat.

BarbarianMum · 24/03/2019 14:09

I speak to mine every week or two, not because its my job but because I like her. I also prod dh to ring them, or she rings us.

MinnieMountain · 24/03/2019 14:10

And my DF is the same as your MIL OP so we're down to the odd email instigated by me.

Megan2018 · 24/03/2019 14:13

I don’t!
DH is low contact with her and she lives outside UK. When she occasionally visits I talk to her politely obviously but I literally have nothing to say to her that she’d want to hear.
She has caused my D so much pain over the years that I have practically zero interest in her tbh.

maddiemookins16mum · 24/03/2019 14:21

Three or four times a week, go for tea/dinner once a week and she comes tonus every Sunday for dinner (she’s on her second glass of merlot as I type).

She’s a total gem, one in a million. Love her to bits.

We also text (mainly during Masterchef or something involving food or something on Netflix she’s watching, currently she’s binge watching Hannibal. The other night she messaged me with this ‘I think John and Gregg have a man crush on the Love Dr’.

She’s 85 in June.

WBWIFE · 24/03/2019 14:24

I see her 2-3 times a week. Probably more than my own mum actually. We do get on well though and I have a young DD who she looks after 1-2 times a week whilst I work

Limensoda · 24/03/2019 14:27

If she made “ little digs” at me I would choose to see her a lot less. Life is too short to spend time with people who are unpleasant. Especially If they are not your family

First of all, OP said they get on fine.
Sometimes a mil won't call her dil in case she's seen as interfering or being a nuisance. Some people would see it as hints rather than digs.
Your in laws ARE your family ffs!

I really don't get the level of hostility people have for their partner's parents and family.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 24/03/2019 14:29

My Mil I think would like us to call more but I don't really have anything to talk to her about and it would be easier to get blood out of a stone than to get him to keep in touch with anyone!

FuckertyBoo · 24/03/2019 14:37

I really don't get the level of hostility people have for their partner's parents and family

Well, it sort of depends on the family, doesn’t it?

I really like my mil, am fine with my fil, but could take or leave my sils. They feel the same way. I made a LOT of effort with them all at the beginning, and I knew them for many years before dh and I married, but it was fairly fruitless.

I think in-laws can be a little hostile to the woman, (ime it’s always the woman), who ‘stole’ their baby boy / brother away. It’s a two way street and I was made to feel really unwelcome by my in-laws when we met. Mil too tbh, though since we had dcs she changed her tune somewhat and we get on pretty well now.

I made loads of effort with my brother’s wife too, but it came back to bite me really, as we became good friends and then they got divorced. It all got a bit ugly and now neither my brother nor his ex wife are as close to me as they were. Actually she is angry with me for not siding with her, so doesn’t speak to me as we are... wait for it NOT family. My brother is also angry with me for not siding with him but he does speak to me, because we are family. It can be a messy old business! Dbro has a new partner now and I barely know her, as they live overseas. I’m a bit wary tbh and it’s a lot harder to get to know her now that I don’t see as much of or speak to my brother so much.

It’s more complicated than “your in laws ARE your family” and “people are so hostile to their spouse’s families”.

maggienolia · 24/03/2019 14:40

Mine's been dead for years so any conversation would be a bit one sided.
But mainly it was my DH who spoke to her.

Sillybonkers · 24/03/2019 14:42

Used to be once a week or so, DH hardly ever. I was just more polite than him and felt sorry for her because she had no friends. Then it became a couple of times a week because she went part time at work and I was on maternity leave. Then three times a week which became too much for me due to playgroups etc and LO crying and MIL not getting off the phone. Then I got told off by FIL because MIL felt I was ignoring her Shock so I made a once a week rule which she flouted on purpose and would ring everyday nearly especially at LOs bedtime Angry. DH kept saying he’d say something and didn’t so I unplugged the phone so she sent many messages to my mobile instead. And so it went on. I tried to be nice but she just saw that as weakness. I was the polite one she exploited, her own children and their spouses hardly speak to her at all.

We don’t speak at all now and haven’t for three years.

CakeNinja · 24/03/2019 14:43

I don’t really call anyone just for a chat! I call people when I need to speak to them - sometimes that’s MIL.
I see her most weeks, she takes the dc to a particular club and I will often drop in and say hello when I’m up their end of town.
I just called her today though to invite her to a Mother’s Day afternoon tea (dp is away next weekend as are her other dc!) but she’s busy which is a shame, she’s lovely and good company, the kids also adore her and she them.

Huntlybyelection · 24/03/2019 14:44

We speak when we see PIL which is normally twice or 3 times a year. DH job to phone his parents. I can't imagine he would ever just phone my mum or dad for a chat so it doesn't occur to me to phone his parents not that his dad would speak to me

AliceLiddel · 24/03/2019 14:44

She comes over one night a week for dinner and to see DC while I go to work. Other than that we text one another probably every other day. Regarding the children's achievements/days, any new TV show recommendations we have for one another ("did you see...") or sometimes just to ask each other to pick bits up if we are in town.

My own DM I speak to maybe once every 2 weeks. She never asks about DDs and she doesnt have interests (books/days out/walks/TV shows/music etc) so there's never any common ground to discuss.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 24/03/2019 15:19

Pretty much everyday and I resent it massively. MIL would be round everyday if she had her way. I speak to her on the phone about 3 times a week. Text daily and see her twice a week on average.

And this is the compromise as she really would be here everyday if we didn't keep enforcing boundaries

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 24/03/2019 15:23

I didnt marry my mil!

If you're not friends I cantser why youd ring her.

HexagonalBattenburg · 24/03/2019 15:41

Your in laws ARE your family ffs!

After yet again I give them the chance to prove they can have the kids for the weekend and NOT fuck it up (typical is that they return them with DD1's behaviour off the wall as she's been allowed to do what the fuck she likes and be rude, and DD2 incontinent as they've let her constipation build back up again having not listened to the instructions about how to manage her toileting and medication regime) - and they've ignored what they were asked to do in terms of very minimal but medically essential instructions (we're not talking about "feed them only hand knitted organic yoghurt" levels of preciousness here - we're talking about "x dose of medication at y time and we NEED to enforce toilet sits at this amount of time after meals as she cannot sense by herself if she needs to go" level instructions) - they're no bloody members of my family at all.

Original poster
CakePigeon4 · 24/03/2019 15:44

@Limensoda we get on fine as in we are pleasant to each other, but I don’t like her as a person particularly and find her extremely hard work. And I definitely don’t think the zero phone calls in 12 years (and that includes FIL calling DH) are down to a concern about interfering Hmm

OP posts:
QRCode · 24/03/2019 15:57

Never. DH and I have been together for over eight years and I've never met his parents. When we skype my parents, it's a four way conversation. He skypes his mother less often and his father never comes on at all.

nometal · 24/03/2019 16:02

When I'm spoken to.

She is very nice but lives a 100 miles away. I'm also a bloke so generally don't do idle chatter, although I do ring my own mother once a week. Twice this week.