To ask how often you speak to your MIL?

[CakePigeon4]

MIL and I get on fine, they live a way away so we don’t see them that often, but generally have a nice time when we go to stay. However MIL is always making little digs that I should contact her more - despite the fact that she has never rung me in the 12 years DH & I have been married. I’m not sure what I would say if I did ring her - we have very little in common, and she’s not exactly a talker at the best of times, and I find conversation quite hard work when I’m with her.

So am I a crap daughter-in-law?! How often do you speak to your MILs? Is it not normal to just get news updates from DH, rather than expecting me to ring her?

Could they cope with whats app? We have family chats for bith families and during the week will send messages or photos and videos of the kids. Sometimes nothing all week but it's good for pointless little updates or look the kids did something cute but also handy for arranging things or wider family gossip etc I rarely talk to anyine on the phone anymore usually whats app or in person.

I speak when my husband rings then about 5 times a year max and we visit maybe 3 /4 times a year....all pleasant no aggro.They,MIL and FIL are really all for themselves and just have never bothered to want to get involved in anyones lives so we leave them to paddle their own canoe,although it was odd they moved house and forgot to tell us!!!! They see it as we are there if anyone needs us if not leave us alone and it works well!! I can ring anytime I like but don't and its the same for them....Infact in 8 years they have rung us only once....

I never really ring my MIL for a chat, only if I have something specific to tell her and then the phone calls are under 5 minutes. No reflection on our relationship, we get on wonderfully and we see PIL at least every week.

I haven't spoken to mine since just after Christmas. Might have to see her next week which I'm not looking forward to as she's a horrible person.

I speak to her when we visit but she makes no effort with us, won't visit us and never asks after her only grandchild so I started playing her at her own game and don't make an effort either.
To me it's a 2 way street and if she's not going to make an effort why should I!

I live in the US and my in-laws are in England so I don't see them very often.
However, my MIL calls up my husband for a chat every two or three weeks and if any of our kids are home (due to school and the time difference), she'll chat with them as well.
I don't speak to her on the phone because I know she would probably rather speak to her son and grandchildren instead of me but she does send me messages on FB to ask how I am fairly often.
I find that to be very nice and very much appreciated.
I don't have living parents anymore so it's nice that someone cares enough about me to ask about my welfare, like a parent would.
She's a fairly busy woman for a retiree so I don't call her for a chat but I don't see any reason why I couldn't if I wanted to.
I'm very fortunate that I get along very well with her.

Never. Not my mum, not my job. I have my own mother to ring

I had a lovely MIL and would phone her for a chat because I liked her - she died a year ago. I phone my DM for a chat too, and my DF. I speak to my FIL. I like my family and it’s not a job. When I read these posts it makes me realise how lucky I am.

Only in person, which is very rare. Once, maybe twice a year.

We have absolutely nothing in common so conversation is very stilted when we are there. She disapproves that I didn't instantly turn into a middle aged housewife as soon as I married her son and doesn't seem to like how we are raising DD. I can't keep her happy so there is no point trying.

I speak to mine pretty much every day either on the phone/text/what’s app/Facebook and see her at least twice a week.

Never. I sometimes send her photos of our two DDs on WhatsApp, but that’s about it.

I’m storing all this reasoning up for next time she mentions it! Has anyone ever said anything to their MIL about why they don’t speak often? I’m not sure it’s worth me making a big thing out of it as I don’t want to rock the (already shaky) boat, but I’m not going to keep on hearing the same rubbish from her without challenging it.

It’s fucking hard being the mother of sons!
Not all of us MILs are monsters although you would be forgiven for thinking so.
So many unlucky Mumsnetters with their in-laws!

She never phones/texts etc me, and tbf only manages to contact DH every month at most. They've gone on extended holidays for months and not given him any way of contacting them.

Unless we see them in person, I'd only speak to MIL/FIL if I happened to answer the house phone and it was them and then they just want me to pass the phone

To answer your original question, only to thank her for presents.

Lots of people, including lots of people young enough to know better, think all family admin is woman’s work. It isn’t. But there’s no harm in batting this firmly back into your dp’s court- “ I think your mum’s feeling a bit lonely- maybe you could call her a bit more often?”

There’s also no harm in being kind. If she is getting old, or her life is getting more restricted, then upping the contact a bit by your dp, your children or even you might be the kind thing to do.

@AnnaMagnani I love the sound of your mum!

Never. She’s never bothered with us so I never bother with her.

I do however speak (text / email I mean) my ex mil every day. We had a fantastic relationship. (Dd is 16 and sees her dad twice a year, he lives in the USA).

I speak to mine when we see each other, but DH chats to her on the phone. I text or ring if there’s a reason (she’s been ill, need to discuss arrangements) but that’s rare.

She did put pressure on DH that I should ring her more (she never rings DH, onus is always on him to ring). I told DH that when he starts ringing my Mum for a chat I’ll start ringing his Mum.

Once or twice a week, and DH calls her several times a week as well. One or other of us will drop into see her at least once a week too. She is in her early 90's and we need to keep an eye on her. But I get on with her pretty well anyway. I've been lucky.

I’m the MIL and I have either phone contact or I see my inlaw children a few times a week. In fact our family life is such that we all see each other or have contact with each other a few times a week.

I’ve already spoken with one daughter twice today and had two texts from one of my daughters in law who’s at work.

I think I've called mine around ten times in all the years I've known her (over 40) And none of those have been just to chat. Always to pass on some information. She made it very clear before Dh and I married that I was not and never would be good enough to be a member of the family. She does speak regularly with her other DILs. I am now a MIL and am determined that I will have good relationships with my DILs. Although we don't phone, we Whatsapp often and see each other regularly. As far as I am concerned they are members of our family and we treat them as such as does my extended family.

Hmmm... I am a MIL!
Its a very tricky situation, and it is difficult to asses how much your DIL wants to see you, be in touch with you, before you feel, or think that she feels you are being intrusive.
So DS4 and his partner of 9 years live in our family home. I know her well and love her dearly and see her as a daughter, we always chat,text etc and I told her last night I would miss her when they go on holiday.
DS1 had a whirlwind romance with a lovely lady that I really never had a chance to get to know well as once married they lived a couple of hours away.
However once the Dc's came along we have become a lot closer as she realises that I will do anything to help them out and both DH and I have been really supportive to them and recent difficulties they have had. She now phones me up and we chat, and I don't feel I am being intrusive if I call her. In short I feel like I have a relationship with her apart from my son.
It really is quite a tricky think both MIL and DIL have someone foisted on them, usually that they don't know very well, have probably a different background, the only thing they have in common is the son/husband.
Effort has to be made on both sides.
Op, call her up, just prattle on about whats going on in your life, she will chat back to you in time, she probably feels that she dosent know you well enough, to gauge your reactions views etc. If she is generally a nice person do call her up she has indicated that she wants to have a relationship, seperate of her son.

(BTW I had an awful MIL (Didn't come to our wedding) but I persisted through the rudeness, she gave up eventually, and although we were never friends, we ended up civil to one another.)

I see her regularly and chat then and my dh phones at least once a week. Ive only phobed her a handful of times if DH is away and i want to organise something with the grand kids or she has had something like a car crash or surgery. I dont actually like phoning people in general though.

i always made an effort with my in laws and , in return, my husband has made an effort with my family. I was grateful that my husband did so much practical stuff for my mum when my father died. He kept her house going for five years doing all DIY and garden stuff. However, I had always made an effort with my PIL which I know he was grateful for when they developed dementia.

V rarely. Dh would love me to but she’s his mum and speaks/sees him enough. I just don’t have that sort of relationship with her. I’m pleasant to her when I see her but we haven’t got a particularly ‘friendly’ relationship. It’s a shame as I don’t have my own mum around any more and I would’ve loved a MIL that I could genuinely get in with.
I basically see dh’s family for his sake (apart from d niece and nephew who I genuinely like).

she was going on about it being the woman’s job to keep up relationships

And yet she doesn't call her son?

She can't have it both ways.

Like others here, DP's relationship with his parents was his responsibility, my family was mine. We would both facilitate DC relationship/contact with either side.