Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

About new bf's ex?

73 replies

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 08:19

I've been seeing a man for 3 months now. He broke up with ex after an 8 year relationship and they have a 5 yr old DD together. Ex and DD moved out in August last year and she moved in with her partner (affair). Things seem friendly and amicable between ex and my new bf. I see him a few times a week and usually stay over at his.

She texts him and sometimes rings him about their Dd who he sees most days. I stayed last night at bfs and she was texting him from 8pm to about 11.30pm. I think the texts were about his dd but I think some were just friendly chit chat. Bf was getting pissed off about the texts keep coming but at one point we were laid in bed talking and every few mins a message would ping on his phone, he would reply and then ping again! I got really quite pissed off but didn't show it.

Also, earlier in the evening, his ex called him to talk about arrangements for the dd and he told me to 'shhhh' before he answered the phone which made me feel like a secret. His ex has moved on so why does he want to keep me quiet?

AIBU?

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 24/03/2019 08:23

'Also, earlier in the evening, his ex called him to talk about arrangements for the dd and he told me to 'shhhh' before he answered the phone which made me feel like a secret.'

'Why on earth did you ask me to ssshhhh'??

Original poster

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 08:24

Martha's, thanks for your reply. I was so tempted to ask that but didn't want to cause problems this early on or an atmosphere for the night.

OP posts:

KC225 · 24/03/2019 08:28

Why did he keep replying. That would have annoyed me. I'm busy, talk tomorrow, have a visitor. Ummm he doesn't want to dismiss her but is OK to 'sssshhhh' you.

Doghorsechicken · 24/03/2019 08:28

This would really bother me, why are they constantly texting? Is he hoping she’ll change her mind and come running back again? I’d tell him how you feel if it’s a deal breaker. I understand that they need to organise stuff re: DD but I can’t imagine that takes a whole evening of texting. Just a phone call would be sufficient.

Original poster

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 08:31

Thanks for your replies. I feel like I want to bring it up with him now but its too late?

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 24/03/2019 08:33

It will happen again , just wait to ask.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 24/03/2019 08:35

If you're only 3 months in and already having to bite your tongue so as not to cause a scene, there's something wrong.

His relationship with his ex is his and doesn't involve you one bit. If he's pissed off at how often she's texting/calling, he can tell her that. If he's not telling her to reduce the level of texts he's probably not bothered by it. Which means you're pissed off about something he has no intention of altering/changing.

The fact that he shushed you before the call means he's hiding you from his Ex. I'd suspect that he's probably still seeing her, or at the very least trying to rekindle something. Unless you're 8 years old and screaming you don't need to be shushed before a phone call.

Applecrumble79 · 24/03/2019 08:36

I agree. No need for constant texting at that time in the evening unless it’s urgent. He could have told her politely that he was busy right now. Definitely tell him how u feel. The “Shhhh” would have annoyed me too. Of course you would feel like a secret with that response, unless you were shouting and making incredible background noise!

Applecrumble79 · 24/03/2019 08:36

And no it’s not too late to revisit. Better late than never!

JenniferJareau · 24/03/2019 08:39

Not too late. You could say something along the lines of:

Something you did yesterday has been playing on my mind. I didn't say anything at the time but it is still bothering me. You told me to shuuuush when she called. Why did you do that?

Original poster

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 08:46

Thanks for all your replies. I'm going to bring it up with him later.

OP posts:

JenniferJareau · 24/03/2019 09:02

Good luck op

Original poster

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 09:19

Well it was brought up naturally as he was talking about it which bus to go for this morning and he said he would go for a different route because his ex would be kicking around and she's nosy. I did say let her be nosy and that she has moved on without any second thought. I was really displeased so got my stuff and went.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 24/03/2019 09:25

Ltb. Seriously

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 24/03/2019 09:26

I had someone practically push me into a hedge then stride off when we were out walking one Sunday as he had spotted his 'moved on ex' walking towards us with her parents. We had been dating about 5 months
Big red flag. Dumped soon after.

Livelovebehappy · 24/03/2019 09:39

I always shush people prior to speaking on the phone. Makes sense surely so you can hear the person on the call?

Original poster

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 09:42

Livelovebehappy, but in this case it was clearly because it was his ex.

OP posts:

oneforthepain · 24/03/2019 09:43

Wait, so did he respond? Or did you just say your part and leave?

didn't want to cause problems this early on

But it was already a problem. Being afraid to respond to things making you uncomfortable in a relationship that's only just starting is not a great foundation.

JenniferJareau · 24/03/2019 09:50

I always shush people prior to speaking on the phone. Makes sense surely so you can hear the person on the call?

Err no. People in general have manners so do not talk loudly when someone else is on the phone.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 24/03/2019 09:52

Sod all that for a game of soldiers. He's not over his break-up and as such, his ex.

I once dated a man who had been split from his ex for a long time. I realised it wasn't for me when he didn't want me to answer his house phone when I was around even though he had asked me to move in with him. He would also park his car (with me in) streets away from his ex's house when he went to pick up his toddler. It all kicked off when the toddler eventually mentioned me to the ex. I washed my hands of it and walked away. So glad I did too. He clearly wasn't a single man despite the fact that he and his ex were long split up and living in their own homes, communicating only about their child.

Cider4Caro · 24/03/2019 10:21

A bit weird he asked you to shush....It's tricky when kids are involved though.
I met DP years after he left a relationship where he had bn bringing up 2 kids who proved to be someone else's by paternity test. He would never have known but CSA had mentioned getting a test after they split up. Sooo....Said chesting ex had text him at night, asking if he would like to pop over for a cup of tea....she had found out he had met someone else and didn't like it. Funny how he wasn't so keen to go round to the crazy woman's house...but he politely responded no. Maybe your DP just doesn't want to rock the proverbial boat, and risk his ex getting upset. If he's not told her your around by 6 months, I'd say that's a problem. I'd expect by 6 months together you'd be getting ready to meet the child. 3 months is still a new relationship so maybe he just wants to make sure your right for each other before he introduces you to the ex and the daughter.

ScarletBitch · 24/03/2019 12:20

You have only been with him a couple of months and your already jealous of the amicable relationship he has with his ex? Grow up

Februaryblooms · 24/03/2019 12:37

This has got bad news written all over it and I'm talking from experience. I was kept a secret from a bfs ex (who was his child's mother) for a whole year, he gave me a load of speal about not wanting her to cause problems and how she's the sort to make access difficult if he told her he had a new girlfriend.

Not wanting to cause a problem for him seeing his child I bit my tongue and accepted it, having to be quiet when she called and the constant texting late at night. It bugged me but I put my feelings secondary to his relationship with his child which I felt was only right.

He ended up sleeping with her again on Christmas day after I waved him off round to her place like a mug to play the doting dad whilst I spent Christmas alone.

It turns out he was playing us both like fiddles and telling each of us what we wanted to hear whilst he effectively kept his options open.

Nip this in the bud right now.

Original poster

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 12:40

Scarletbitch, do I not deserve a bit of respect from him? I'm not jealous at all. I just don't want to be a secret from his ex.

OP posts:

PregnantSea · 24/03/2019 12:41

He's not over his ex. Obviously they need to stay in touch regarding the DC but that level of contact is really over the top. Him shhing you is a very bad sign. I would just walk away and leave him to sort himself out. Maybe in a few months he will be ready for a new relationship, and you are still interested in him you could revisit things.

Flip

1 2 3