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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About new bf's ex?

73 replies

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 08:19

I've been seeing a man for 3 months now. He broke up with ex after an 8 year relationship and they have a 5 yr old DD together. Ex and DD moved out in August last year and she moved in with her partner (affair). Things seem friendly and amicable between ex and my new bf. I see him a few times a week and usually stay over at his.

She texts him and sometimes rings him about their Dd who he sees most days. I stayed last night at bfs and she was texting him from 8pm to about 11.30pm. I think the texts were about his dd but I think some were just friendly chit chat. Bf was getting pissed off about the texts keep coming but at one point we were laid in bed talking and every few mins a message would ping on his phone, he would reply and then ping again! I got really quite pissed off but didn't show it.

Also, earlier in the evening, his ex called him to talk about arrangements for the dd and he told me to 'shhhh' before he answered the phone which made me feel like a secret. His ex has moved on so why does he want to keep me quiet?

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 00:41

Thank you poppy. Its taking everything I have not to text him asking him why he has treated me this way. I just want answers from him to try and understand. I thought I had met a lovely, caring man but in reality I met a cold and uncaring man who in reality doesnt give a toss.

OP posts:

Poppy43 · 15/04/2019 01:06

Please don't text him. It's not worth the hurt. Yes it is going to be a soulless few weeks or maybe longer but stand strong. He didn't appreciate you, you deserve more. Its as simple as that. Focus on yourself, even little things like having a pamper night and listening to your favourite music. Do what you can until he's out of your mind. You never know what's around the corner, so don't waste any more time on this loser x

Poppy43 · 15/04/2019 01:08

The most blatant answer you need is the one you already know, he's a twat! Onwards and upwards.

JenniferJareau · 15/04/2019 06:49

TBH I am suspicious that he posted on Facebook what you were up to knowing she'd see it. It is like he was trying to provoke a reaction from her.

Eslteacher06 · 15/04/2019 07:05

If you've just come out of a 10 year relationship and already had a 5 month relationship, it sounds like you need some time alone just to work out exactly what you want and what is a red flag. You're right to end things with him because he is wrapped around her finger and you've asked him to stop and he hasn't. He's not going to change now. An analogy I like to use in this situation: If someone was slapping you in the face, and you asked them to stop and they didn't... would you stay there or walk away? Don't let him do this emotionally.

NameChangeNugget · 15/04/2019 07:16

You were never going to win this one, you did the right thing

iloveruby · 15/04/2019 07:18

Take a break from relationships - spend the next year focusing on yourself. 3 relationship breakups in a year is enough for anyones head to spin. Be alone and enjoy spending time with friends, family and yourself.

cakecakecheese · 15/04/2019 07:18

They're not over each other, it wouldn't surprise me if they do get back together so it's better not to be in the middle of it.

CookieWarbler · 15/04/2019 07:19

I mean this kindly but you're just under a year out of 10 yr relationship and have had 3 short term relationships in that time.
It sounds like you've not had a proper break, time to be by yourself and take stock as you've been actively trying to get into another relationship the whole time.
Give yourself a bit of love and not beating yourself up about 'failed relationships' - they aren't, you've been dating and things haven't worked out.
From your posts you sound lovely and have done well to end it when something crossed your line. Stay strong and perhaps take a breath, try and find enjoyment in being on your own and maybe don't put so much emphasis on being in a relationship. A man is not mandatory, have some fun by yourself

coral13 · 15/04/2019 07:21

From experience with friends... Just because his ex has moved on, doesn't mean that she will be happy that he's moved on. Normally this wouldn't matter at all, but I've seen too many times the ex get in a strop and then start being difficult about the child and saying they can't see them. It's wrong and it's unfair but it does seem to happen a lot unfortunately.

Original poster

Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 07:38

Hello, thanks for all your replies. I was a bit of an emotional mess last night but feeling much more positive this morning Although he has said he would never get back with her as she was unfaithful, I think feelings are still there probably on both sides and I'm not prepared to feel like the third woman in the relationship.

Good riddance and time to live my new life. I don't have many friends and really miss physical affection from a man when I'm not seeing someone to the point it makes me depressed I'm such a weirdo!

OP posts:

Eslteacher06 · 15/04/2019 07:54

I think that's what you need to work on. Otherwise you'll end up with more pointless relationships....which I'm sure you don't want! I'd join things like Meet Up to meet new people too.

iloveruby · 15/04/2019 08:33

If you miss the physical affection you could try getting regular massages. Whilst they are not affection in the same sense - the benefit of massage and human touch in relation to mood is well documented.

Doghorsechicken · 15/04/2019 09:12

You definitely need to stay single for a while and learn to enjoy your own company, live your own life and be selfish! Then when you’re ready start dating again, when you know what you truly want.

Original poster

Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 12:02

Thanks for your replies. Does it sound like feelings are still involved on both sides? Can't believe how much the breakup has got me after only a few months.

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 15/04/2019 13:00

I don't think you need to worry about whether there are feelings there between him and her at this point.
The fact is, you deserved/deserve better and I agree with the other posts that say to take some time for yourself. Rebounds seem like the right thing at the time but rarely if ever do they 'heal' or 'mend ' the person involved not to mention the effect on the other partner.
It sounds like the end of your 10 year marriage has hurt you badly. I dont think healing will come in the form of another man but from yourself x

Boom45 · 15/04/2019 13:31

First relationships after a hard breakup are a risk. You took that risk and it didn't work out but that's not your fault. It's probably not so straightforward as him not being over his ex (although that will be part of it) but his entire life and future has been upended.
I think it's good to take a risk on a relationship but its way better you realised it wasn't going to work. Takes strength and intelligence. Take care of yourself and be proud you handled it all so well x

Original poster

Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 13:39

Thanks for all your replies :) I'm going to never go near another man ever again.

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 15/04/2019 14:09

I wouldn't suggest to never go near another man again Heidi. I do think though that you have run before you can walk. End of a marriage is always hard and I think it takes a good length of time to truly be okay again. You will get there but now is the time to focus on you.

Original poster

Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 18:24

Thanks for your reply, pinkglitter. I probably will meet someone else but not yet. It's so hard not texting him as we usually text lots throughout the day. It's hard breaking up with someone no matter how much of a dick they've been.

OP posts:

cliquewhyohwhy · 15/04/2019 18:32

You've done the right thing, don't text him.

Original poster

Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 18:38

Thanks, clique. Its like he has no regrets though when I did tell him basically he had fucked up again, he meekly said he shouldn't have text her back. Cock. He seemed so lovely and so perfect for me too. So sad.

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 15/04/2019 19:23

It is hard I know.
Better to find out now rather than further down the line. He is not in the right place for a relationship and as corny as it sounds I think you need to start learning to love yourself.

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