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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About new bf's ex?

73 replies

HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 08:19

I've been seeing a man for 3 months now. He broke up with ex after an 8 year relationship and they have a 5 yr old DD together. Ex and DD moved out in August last year and she moved in with her partner (affair). Things seem friendly and amicable between ex and my new bf. I see him a few times a week and usually stay over at his.

She texts him and sometimes rings him about their Dd who he sees most days. I stayed last night at bfs and she was texting him from 8pm to about 11.30pm. I think the texts were about his dd but I think some were just friendly chit chat. Bf was getting pissed off about the texts keep coming but at one point we were laid in bed talking and every few mins a message would ping on his phone, he would reply and then ping again! I got really quite pissed off but didn't show it.

Also, earlier in the evening, his ex called him to talk about arrangements for the dd and he told me to 'shhhh' before he answered the phone which made me feel like a secret. His ex has moved on so why does he want to keep me quiet?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 24/03/2019 13:55

Thank you for all your replies. I have got some thinking to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 25/03/2019 11:58

I tried to end things with new bf and he apologised for the way he had been and agreed that his ex finding about us wouldn't be the worst thing ever and he seemed really apologetic for his thoughtlessness. He agreed that if his ex found out he was seeing someone new and was nosy then he would either answer any questions she had or tell her to mind her own business. I asked him if he was definitely over the ex and he said that he was and that he was really looking forward to spending more time with me and the plans we have and that one day he would love to introduce me to his dd. He said all this unprompted so I think he's genuine.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 25/03/2019 12:01

Told you exactly what you wanted to hear. Hope he lives up to his promises.

Alsohuman · 25/03/2019 12:04

What he should have said is that he’ll tell her about you. Why on earth would he wait for her to find out?

outpinked · 25/03/2019 12:05

She cheated on him and probably broke his heart. They had only been separated for four months when you two met? It’s too soon, I don’t think he is over her. You shouldn’t be competing with anyone’s ex and this level of contact with the ex is not normal at all especially not so late in the day. LTB.

Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 25/03/2019 12:32

Hi, thanks for all your replies. I usually stay at his a few times a week and he's not usually texting ex that much. If it happens again next time I'll tell him straight that its disrespectful he's texting her back so much when he's with me. He does say he absolutely doesnt ever want her back and he's a really lovely guy otherwise. I don't know if he's just been thoughtless?

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PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 25/03/2019 12:36

Some people just really don’t like their business being discussed. I know its an old fashioned view but people are entitled to privacy. I know we live in a shout-it-out-rub-your-nose-in-it society, but not everyone is like that.

Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 25/03/2019 12:41

I see your point PlainSpeaking and I don't expect him to flaunt 'us' in her or anyone's face but at the same time I don't feel we should be actively avoiding the ex or for me to be silenced before every phone call they have. I felt like I was his guilty secret or something!

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TheMightyToosh · 25/03/2019 12:45

If he can't put boundaries in place now, your future could be bleak OP. Definitely stand up for yourself early on and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't listen to you and act on it appropriately.

SkinnyPete · 25/03/2019 13:07

I've been on the other side of the fence with this, and I think you should give him a little benefit of the doubt.

When I started seeing someone after my exW cheated on me and I moved out with my DD, I was really cumbersome with some of the things I did and said. I acted a little worried about being known to be seeing someone at first, which was a little stupid, but I just didn't know how I should be. At the same time, she was sometimes over sensitive to things that have been said/done, because it's hard work falling in love with someone with heavy and recent baggage.

Anyway, she was really patient with me (12 months) , and we're madly in love now, although still taking a few things slowly. It's been well worth the effort and she makes my heart float and my mind dream.

Still, there are some arse holes out there. Just be careful and balance the views of scorned pitchfork wielding MNetters. We all mean we'll x

Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 25/03/2019 14:09

Thanks for your replies. Aww, skinnypete, your post is so beautiful. Well done on working on it and creating something so special Smile I absolutely believe in new man. He's otherwise very sweet and I have very much warmed to him. I'm going to give it time and see what happens. I told my friend that he was the one I was going to marry within a few weeks of meeting him and I'm not usually sentimental like that at all. Blush

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Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 25/03/2019 17:13

SkinnyPete, did your DD get on with your lovely girlfriend straight away? His dd is 5. I don't want to meet her for a while yet but I'm looking forward to the day I do. Just wonder if she'll warm to me.

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SkinnyPete · 25/03/2019 17:41

@HeidiBoo1984 yes, but I must admit my DD is a total angel and head to toe full of love and light. She loves everyone that's nice ❤️

After 3 months of dating, and knowing that my DD had quickly settled into her new home/life, I'd told DD that i had a GF, and she was ecstatic for me, as 'she wants Daddy to be happy', bless. She doesn't know everything about exW, but she knows I've been through a lot. So, a month later, we went for a walk with my DP's dog around a local park.

They're developing a good relationship, but I take it really slow still, with a few days out here and there, dinner at mine together, but no sleep overs yet, as my DD has PTSD and regularly comes into my room/bed in the middle of the night which is difficult for DP and me. DP doesn't have kids, never been married, so I have to take it slow for everyone. It's working though, and it's lovely.

Basically, every case is different. Between different personalities and experiences, you just have to take the appropriate amount of time with your eyes open and don't try to force anything. And sometimes, take a step back to take a few forward.

PinkGlitter123 · 25/03/2019 19:22

Sounds very soon for him to jump into a relationship. It doesn't sound like he has completely healed.
Rebound relationships rarely work. Sorry to be harsh but this has a number of red flags all over it.

Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 28/03/2019 14:36

Although he was apologetic, this is still playing on my mind. His ex will always have a part in his life because of their dd and I'm unsure if I can cope with that. I stayed a few nights back and she didn't text so that was OK, but I don't know...its knocked my confidence.

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lisamac28 · 28/03/2019 17:20

My guess would be that his ex has maybe heard or somehow knows that he's met someone new and that's why she's ramping up the texts. Same thing happened with my DPs ex when we got together. It tailed off after a while when put his foot down and told her to stop.

Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 28/03/2019 17:42

Lisamac, I did think that too. I was just sat there like a dick while he text back and forth with her. Although he was pissed off she was texting all the time, he did nothing to stop it. I really like him but wonder if he's got too much baggage. I don't mind the dd at all, but the ex is too much to have to put up with.

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Purpleartichoke · 28/03/2019 17:51

The ex is always going to be there. As the child gets older, they will both be attending sporting activities, school plays, etc. if they have a decent relationship they will even sit together and maybe even get a treat afterwards. She will be their at graduation and weddings and every life event. If you aren’t 100% ok with that, you should get out now

TeddybearBaby · 28/03/2019 18:04

Hes probably enjoying the attention and being in the power position since his ex cheated on him...... look at him now, thriving. Now you’re aware you can keep an eye and not have any of this texting all the time nonsense or shushing you. Try to chill out and see what happens. Don’t force anything! Good luck 😘

Original poster
HeidiBoo1984 · 28/03/2019 18:41

Thanks for your replies, I will see how things go Smile

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Original poster
Heidiboo1984 · 14/04/2019 23:18

Hi everyone, thanks for your advice. I just came back to say that unfortunately I have had to end things.

Although he had said he will put a stop to her bombarding him with messages, when we were last on a date, he failed to do so.

Basically, she saw an update on Facebook that he had put on which was an activity we were doing, and it must have sent her crazy wondering who he was with or whatever, because almost immediately five messages came through one straight after the other.

They were about arrangements for the dd, but as we had previously discussed that he should shut these texts down with 'I'm busy right now, we will talk about it when we hand over dd', he text her back, to and fro. I was just sat there thinking wtf?! I challenged him and he said he should have shut the conversation down immediately. Its like she has him wrapped around her little finger still. I said that she should really know he's in a new relationship, but he didn't really respond and just said that he hadn't had chance to tell her (he sees her everyday).

He also told me earlier in the day that she had been texting him in the week with her relationship woes (she cheated and is now living with the man) and texts were going back and forth and I just got really pissed off. Why engage with her in nothing that concerns him? So I ended it and I feel shit and hurt but I'll get over it.

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Nearlythere1 · 14/04/2019 23:49

I think you did the best thing OP. This was off to a bad start and was only going to get messier. They'll probably end up back together, as hard as it might be to admit to yourself. Head high, move on!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/04/2019 00:10

You've done the right thing

You deserve better than this

Original poster
Heidiboo1984 · 15/04/2019 00:21

Thanks mrjolly and nearlythere. It hurts so much but I know it'll get easier. I'm just glad I didn't invest more feelings into it. I've had three failed relationships in twelve months now. Came out of a ten year relationship in may last year and then was with someone for about five months and then this one. Not sure how much more I can take Sad

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Poppy43 · 15/04/2019 00:37

Take some time for yourself. Throw yourself into something new/exciting/challenging. Don't let him sweet talk his way back in. You deserve more. Xx

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