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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get pissed off when people ask if I’m breastfeeding?

114 replies

iamsuchatit · 24/03/2019 05:25

DD will be 4 weeks on Thursday and I haven’t managed to breastfeed her (not from lack of trying). I know healthcare professionals have to ask but every fucking relative and even randomers have asked me (or asked if I’ve given up) and it’s pissing me off. I can feel their judgement when I say she’s formula fed (although she has been getting some expressed milk).

Come give me a shake

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 24/03/2019 05:32

It's nobody's business what you feed your baby on. If people ask, they are most likely just making conversation, not priming themselves up to judge you. When they ask, just smile and say "no, I'm bottle feeding her" and move on to the next topic. They''ll get the message and move on as well.

Congratulations on your baby , by the way . I had two, and didn't breastfeed either of them because I didn't like the idea of it. I never felt that I had to apologise for doing something as normal as bottle feeding my babies. You shouldn't either.

Monty27 · 24/03/2019 05:34

Fuck em. Just respond with "why?"
End of conversation.
Congratulations hope you and baby have bonded well

RiddleyW · 24/03/2019 05:35

Well first people are bizarrely nosy about most aspects of pregnancy and child rearing, I don’t know why but it’s them not you.

Secondly most people (the vast vast majority) give formula so I don’t know why they’d be judgemental about it, are you sure they are? What is it they’re saying to you?

Oysterbabe · 24/03/2019 05:37

They're probably just making conversation but it feels like judgment because you are sensitive about it. There's not much to ask about a newborn so the usual topics get covered fast. What did they weigh, do they sleep, how are you feeding?

SamStephens · 24/03/2019 05:40

People tend to just ask these sorts of questions regardless. Focus on your response. I never breastfeed, never wanted or intended to, when people asked I simply said “nope” and if they pushed why I’d answer “never intended to” and they left it at that. Not worth getting worked up over and if you are unfussed in your reply people kind of walk away.

Climbingahoneytree · 24/03/2019 06:14

I think they might just be making conversation OP. People ask me how I will feed and I just take it to be baby chit chat. But you don't owe them any answers. How do you feed your baby? "The way that keeps their tummy full"

Original poster

iamsuchatit · 24/03/2019 06:21

Thanks all.

Doesn’t exactly help when my mum points out “oh so and so is breastfeeding” like she’s some fucking saint. MIL seemed gleeful when I said we were having difficulties and she just kept going on about how great it was FF as means that dad can feed baby (hes done one fucking night feed and it was a disaster)

I am still trying but there is very little hope she’ll take to it now

OP posts:

Excitablemuch · 24/03/2019 06:26

The worst one for me is the “are you feeding him?” No he survives on air you plonker?!? The only feeding they recognise is breastfeeding!!

Find a retort (as sarcy as possible) and stick to it. Or.... burst into tears... that’ll teach them!

londonrach · 24/03/2019 06:27

Serious just enjoy this time. If you bf great if you ff great. I choose to ff as my dsis regretted bf and didnt bond with her dc till she stopped bf. I and dh ff dd and had amazing bond from day 1 were relaxed and happy enjoying this very brief time. Do whats best for you. Congratulations xxx

harrypotterfan1604 · 24/03/2019 06:28

Hi OP I understand how your feeling. All through my pregnancy I’d said I was happy to try to BFbut wouldn’t get all worked up if I couldn’t. So much easier said than done. I was very ill post EMCS so tried for two days to BF but I simply couldn’t because I was poorly. The guilt I felt giving abottle was immense.
So when someone asks me am I BF i often feel like I have to explain why not like I’m being judged for not doing it.
My SIL is having twins next week and is adamant that she’ll be able to breastfeed them and that it will work fine for her and already the anxiety in me is rising massively, I feel like if she can manage to BF two then I will feel like such a failure. I do know how ridiculous that sounds :(

MumInBrussels · 24/03/2019 06:45

Congratulations on your baby! Try to ignore all the people asking about feeding - it's really none of their business and (possibly other than your mother) they probably don't mean to be hurtful. They just don't think.

There are some people who are just mean, though, and it's worth having a think about how to try and not let them get to you. I still remember the poor young woman I saw at the bus stop with her mother when my oldest was just over a year old. I was breastfeeding him, and she had a little baby. And her mother asked how old my son was and then turned to her daughter and said in such a nasty tone "see, she's managing to feed her baby properly". The poor girl looked (reasonably!) so upset; I told her it didn't matter how she fed her baby, as long as he got enough to eat, and her baby was obviously thriving. Which I still believe is the important thing, and I don't understand how her mother could have been so horrible!

Teateaandmoretea · 24/03/2019 06:49

I think yanbu, I never ask women this (if I spend time with them it becomes pretty obvious anyway ). It always feels a bit personal to me asking random women about their breasts, bit like I don't ask daft questions about people TTC either.

I'm really sorry you've had a shitty experience similar happened to me. I beat myself up over it, analysed what went wrong using zillions of websites had another baby armed with new strategy and exactly the same thing happened again. At that point I realised that my instinct in the early days of being a mum was absolutely spot on. I'm sure that you have done the right thing for your baby which ultimately is what matters

WinkysTeatowel · 24/03/2019 07:17

YANBU. I don't know why there is the obsession about it but from the opposite perspective when I'm asked if I'm still BF I usually assume its judgemental and that they think I should have stopped.

GrumpySausage · 24/03/2019 07:26

I just answered 'yes I'm feeding him/her' because I was feeding them whether it was by bottle or breast.

I was always amazed at how many people were interested in how I was feeding my child. I had a complete stranger ask me in the supermarket- full volume in the cheese aisle. Why does she want to know?!

PregnantSea · 24/03/2019 07:30

Once you have a baby you are offered up for judgement on every single thing that you do. No matter what path you choose, it is wrong.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 24/03/2019 07:31

I never even tried to breast feed. And anyone who asked got a weird look and a comment on why they want to know. Ur business. No one else’s. my son was bottle fed. And he is still perfectly normal. Never sick. And his head didn’t fall off.

jaseyraex · 24/03/2019 07:37

I cried when a friend of a friend asked if I was breastfeeding DS2. He was in NICU and tube fed. I think she told everyone cause no one asked me after that

I don't think most people ask to judge, they're just nosey or making comversation really. But I don't get why people care what you're doing, or not doing, with your boobs! With DS1 I used to just respond "he's fed" and that was it.

Enjoy your baby and however you feed her. Ignore everyone else. Congratulations

ChipsAreLife · 24/03/2019 07:42

I think it's just a conversation starter that then leads to people offering advice or support ie if you're formula feeding 'how are you finding making bottles in the night' or BF 'are you still cluster feeding' or whatever.

MIL sounds like a twat, why you would be happy someone was having feeding issues is beyond me.

I think some women think they're the nuts because they BF but I think they're rare, most women know it's hard no matter what and we are all just doing our best.

Barbarafromblackpool · 24/03/2019 07:50

I get asked by my mother and also assume judgement. She ff us and is a bit weird about bf. Give your mum a ‘look’ next time she says anything.

Middlrm · 24/03/2019 07:50

I understand I failed at breastfeeding too.

My little one is 17 weeks now and doing amazingly, I tried hard for about 10 weeks

We had to go to the hospital on his day 5 weigh in because he had lost weight ( my milk took longer than it should
To come in ) his sodium levels were sky high.

I did combination feeding at first but spending 30 mins breastfeeding then bottle followed by the 2 hours winding ( reflux and colicky baby like most I imagine ) followed by pumping ( while baby screame difnhusband wasn’t there to cuddle ) and it was time to go again.

I was exhausted, went on to pumping which meant for a min of 30
Mins my little guy was screaming to be picked up when I pumped which left me in tears ... best and saddest choice was to stop as I just couldn’t increase the milk supply to satisfy him and mentally survive.

I miss it in a way ( the laying there bonding ) but not the desperately trying to not fall asleep because I hadn’t slept
More than an hour in weeks ... for fear of squishing him.

I also enjoy my son a lot more now I have taken the pressure away... it’s such a shame because he had a really
Good latch... my production was not what it should have been.

I got really upset at first too I remember doing a weigh in to see if he put enough back on and the midwife at the hospital ( before weighing him ) said I should do more exclusive breastfeeding again ... I explained I was barley producing but she said it would increase my supply then after weighing commented that she was worried he still hadn’t put enough weight on ... I snapped and said well then why would I starve him every other feed if your telling me we have another weigh in with a deadline he needs more weight on.
( poor lady in retrospect I was a little hormonal and feeling like a failure)

He is a lovely weight now, I met another little boy same birth date and mum persisted with breast feeding for longe r ... and they are now on combination feeding ..he is 4 weeks behind in growth and has to be weighed every week still, I don’t think she made the wrong choice either ... we all make the choices that we think are the best for our babies.

I have come to the conclusion that being a mum is I am likely to feel guilty for the rest of my life about something 😂 x

Cheby · 24/03/2019 07:52

They’re just making conversation. I think you’re projecting your own feelings about breastfeeding. Stop judging yourself, you’ll feel a lot better.

Vulpine · 24/03/2019 07:55

They're just making conversation.

Mississippilessly · 24/03/2019 08:01

Exactly what Cheby said. I feel a complete failure when people ask me if my son sleeps through the night. No he doesn't- at 6 months old he wakes about every 2 hrs. And hearing tales of 'my child slept through at 3 days - you should put him on a bottle' makes me feel the same as comments about BF do with you.
Some will be innocent questions. Some may be judgemental. But you just have to ignore it. You're keeping a tiny human alive - its fucking knackering and for a while very thankless. You're doing brilliantly and you're doing right by you and your baby. Just keep reminding yourself of that. And post on here if it helps.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 24/03/2019 08:05

I can never understand on any level the utter lunacy, endless debate, threads, 'failure' and angst around BF and FF. Its just so mind numbing. If a baby is getting fed then job done. It has fuck all to do with anyone else how YOU feed your baby.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 24/03/2019 08:07

I feel a complete failure when people ask me if my son sleeps through the night. No he doesn't

A 'complete failure'? Really? Why on earth?

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