to get pissed off when people ask if I’m breastfeeding?

[iamsuchatit]

DD will be 4 weeks on Thursday and I haven’t managed to breastfeed her (not from lack of trying). I know healthcare professionals have to ask but every fucking relative and even randomers have asked me (or asked if I’ve given up) and it’s pissing me off. I can feel their judgement when I say she’s formula fed (although she has been getting some expressed milk).

Come give me a shake

[BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney]

Feeling like you are failing at breastfeeding is the loneliest, saddest experience I have ever been though. I cried a river to strangers more than once.

[LittleBearPad]

I think they're just making conversation! Like asking the baby's weight or whether you had a c-section or asking how the baby's sleeping and does she/he have colic etc. It's not personal.

Pretty personal questions really. Especially the c-section one.

[InsertFunnyUsername]

I got asked a few times and found myself going into detail, as to why i didn't and in the end thought sod this and just replied "no" and that was that.


Looking back now i realise most were just starting conversation it was always along the lines of "how old? Whats her name? Are you breastfeeding?" But my own experience of being "judged" by a couple of arseholes meant i automatically got defensive.


I remember when i stopped trying to BF altogether, practised so much what i was going to say to the doctor/HV as to why i didn't want to cpntinue (sounds crazy looking back) and i got an underwhelming "Oh Ok" 🤣🤣

I think as new mums, we can get in our own head too much. But, no denying there are some judgement towards FF. Just learn to say No and cut the convo short is my advice.

[InsertFunnyUsername]

Sorry, i did include paragraphs

[sparkling123]

@iamsuchatit you can legitimately say you're combination feeding with what you're doing. It's also a great answer as it confuses a lot of people This became my stock answer as the truth was complicated and stressful and people generally didn't have anything else to say to that..

also, 4 weeks is early days, I was mainly ff ing at this point then got a good pump and slowly got my supply up, so it took me til 9 week to be mainly bf, dd is 5 months now and has 1 bottle of formula a day so there is plenty of time for you yet if you want to keep trying.
Obviously fed is best though and you being in a good place physically and mentally is the most important thing!

[MeadowHay]

Whatever you do people ask and you always get shite from people about your choices whatever choices you make, you can never please anyone and sometimes even the same person will criticise you about the same thing from different angles that are logically impossible. I have learnt that you need to grow a veeeery thick skin as a mum regarding parenting decisions, and be ready to be calm and firm in expressing your choies, but not needing to be drawn into justifying them if you cba. DD is 9 months. I really really struggled with BF and I had the opposite problem from you in that numerous family members were constantly telling me to FF instead, which was really difficult for me when I was trying so hard to do something I desperately wanted to do for DD. DD is 'high needs' and cries a lot, as a newborn she would basically cry all the time she was awake and not feeding (I know that isn't super uncommon like as a newborn), and family constantly told me to FF and that would stop her crying all the time because "she must be hungry" and I "musn't be producing enough" even though when I pumped sometimes I got a fab amount of milk and DD gained weight like a trooper as soon as she was born! I gradually weaned her onto formula between 6 and 12 weeks because I couldn't bear the difficulties I was having with BF anymore, by 12 weeks she was exclusively FF, her weight gain tailed off and slowed down massively and guess what, she still cried ALL THE TIME. Then one particular relative who had constantly complained that she must be hungry when BF started saying I was feeding her too much when FF! WTF?

[Flicketyflack]

My children are teenagers now & tbh it made no difference to their capabilities and health!

The older they get the less other people's opinions matter

[sparkling123]

Also, forgot to say... YANBU, it is a personal question. It irritated me so much and I definitely felt judged like I had to explain myself for ff, but generally people ask just to make conversation, albeit awkward conversation!

[Copperplate]

Sympathies, OP. I simply never produced more than a dribble of milk, despite advice (and blood tests etc) from GP, HV, midwife, La Leche League, BF peer-supporter, BF cafe drop-in, expensive lactation consultant, pumping all the time and using a supplemental lactation system for months, before all the useless pumping and trying and taping tubes of formula to my nipples etc just broke me. I'm a calm and confident person, not given to guilt or self-recrimination, but I had some horrifically judgemental comments from total strangers, one or two of which really upset me, and made me very under-confident about FFing my baby in public. (This was in BF attachment parenting heartlands in north London.)

People can be bloody ignorant apes. Ignore them. Or bite their heads off.

[Shazafied]

I like the “nah, I just give her Diet Coke” angle. “Oh, except for a nip of brandy at bedtime... she loves that”

[Ihatehashtags]

@excitablemuch that infuriates me! A relative asked me that and I said yes (knowing full well she meant breastfeeding) then when I proceeded to get out my bottle later on, she questioned me again and I just feigned ignorance and said “oh well you asked if I was feeding, and you can clearly see I am feeding my child”. (In a semi sarcastic way). She never asked again!

[user1471426142]

Try not to let it bother you. It’s so hard though. I ‘failed’ with my first and got so upset about it. I tried again with my second and it was going the same way so I just gave up and moved to expressing on day 2. Everyone seems far more chilled out about subsequent babies. I felt a huge amount of pressure with baby number 1. With number 2 all of the professionals have just said do what works for you. It has been so different to my first and my baby is so much happier. My first was an angry, listless little thing because she was starving.

Breastfeeding is better where it works and I wish it had gone better for me as I never imagined not breastfeeding but formula has a place and my whole mindset has shifted from guilt to pragmatism.

[iamsuchatit]

Thanks all.

I’m trying to be less over sensitive about it. I just don’t get why people need to ask. Just seems really invasive. Even DHs hairdresser asked the other day!

We are going to keep trying breastfeeding until the end of next week then we’ll give up.

Just feeling really low atm and it’s not helping

[Teateaandmoretea]

I don't think you are being oversensitive at all. For some reason breastfeeding is something women are not 'allowed' to be upset about. Your feelings are totally valid and just because someone else wasnt bothered doesn't mean you are automatically the same . For me it was like grief, yes I got over it in time but it really was damn hard at the time and I ended up with pnd.

I hope it works out in the way that you want it to and that if not you can come to terms with it

[BertrandRussell]

That sounds crap, OP.

Please tell me to bugger off-or worse if it will make you feel better, Or just ignore me. I know this is one of the most annoying things that people say. But you have had access to all the help and support available, haven’t you? Because it sounds as if you would like to BF, and I would hate it if it turned out you’d been struggling alone without realising that there are resources available.

[Teateaandmoretea]

inews.co.uk/opinion/breastfeeding-problems-complications-health-womens-rights/?utm_source=fb&utm_medium=fb&utm_campaign=jp_reshare

This is an interesting article OP that I saw earlier today

[maryberryslayers]

Oh god I often ask this, only because I found it really difficult in the beginning and I like to chat about it with people, not because I judge them for not. I won't ask again though

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Have you spoken to your HV about how you’re feeling OP? Might be worth talking to someone.

[iamsuchatit]

I don’t feel like I’ve had much help with breastfeeding, especially in hospital. I’ve been to a local breastfeeding support group and was shown different positions to try and HV is coming over Friday. I need a lactation consultant but I can’t find one.

I’ve cried so many times this past week, I feel like I’m verging into PND territory but I don’t want to talk to my HV about it on Friday as my DH will be there.

[RainbowWaffles]

I think most of the time, people are just making conversation or trying to take an interest. I doubt many people genuinely care what other people do. Those with strong opinions tend to be projecting to a certain degree. ‘Breast is best’ so those that ff feel like failures and like they have to justify themselves. Bf is bloody hard and I have read so many threads on here about people that soldier on despite having babies that constantly cluster feed for months on end and never sleep, it doesn’t surprise me that people have to justify some of the misery they put themselves through. As pp have said, babies make people pretty crazy. At some point they realize parenting is far more complicated than how you feed them in the first year, which is the grand scheme of things is pretty insignificant. The obsession about bf/ff is just ridiculous.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

How come you don’t want to talk to HV in front of DH? Is he supporting you right now OP?

Can you call your mum or a friend just have a chat?

[TheInventorofToasterStreudel]

I hate this sort of thing. I hope you can recognise it as people being dicks. Also, fed is best! I'm sorry to say that the intrusive comments continue and the only answer is to develop some stock phrases e.g.

When you are out without DC:
"Who's looking after DC?"
"Ah damn, knew I'm forgotten something" or "He's in the car with a bag of crisps" or "I've given him a drink and a snack and I'm letting him get back to nature in the garden."

When you go back to work:
"Oh, are you part time?"
"No, I don't like children"

But in your case, just tell them you've been giving DC Turkey Twizzlers or Wotsits or neat gin. Sometimes people need reminding that they are being rude.

[Teateaandmoretea]

I’ve cried so many times this past week, I feel like I’m verging into PND territory but I don’t want to talk to my HV about it on Friday as my DH will be there.

Unless your problems are more complex than you are admitting you need to tell DP that you would rather he isn't there. I get why you can't talk to the HV with him there, I really do. But if he won't respect that then it's a whole new level.

[Upanddownandroundagain]

I’ve asked tons of people this question, as an ice breaker - if the answer is ‘yes I’m breastfeeding’ then we talk about breastfeeding, if the answer is ‘no I’m bottle feeding’ we talk about bottles. It’s purely a conversation thing. I worry now that I’ve been upsetting people, I’ve only ever intended it as a chat!

Do you feel like you could open up a little? If someone at a group asks if you’re breastfeeding say ‘yes but it isn’t going very well’ and see if you get any good advice? It might make you feel better?

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time x

[BertrandRussell]

OP-(I don’t want to use your name because it doesn’t seem very kind) could you say any more about the problems you’re having? And why you don’t want to talk to your dp about them?