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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get pissed off when people ask if I’m breastfeeding?

114 replies

iamsuchatit · 24/03/2019 05:25

DD will be 4 weeks on Thursday and I haven’t managed to breastfeed her (not from lack of trying). I know healthcare professionals have to ask but every fucking relative and even randomers have asked me (or asked if I’ve given up) and it’s pissing me off. I can feel their judgement when I say she’s formula fed (although she has been getting some expressed milk).

Come give me a shake

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/03/2019 08:09

I really don't see what business it is of anyones to ask how you feed your baby.

It's not something I've ever asked anyone.

Mississippilessly · 24/03/2019 08:10

Because I haven't let him cry or out, I dont do controlled crying I haven't tried waking to sleep, I havent switched to formula blah blah blah insert 1000 miracle solutions in here...

avidreader4 · 24/03/2019 08:13

I failed at breastfeeding and i had to mix feed from 13 days onwards. Felt like a complete failure and it really affected me at the time. My baby is now 6 months old and i'd actually be more likely to ask women how they're feeding now, as i could empathise if they were struggling and hopefully be able to reassure them as someone who has gone through it. OP, you do get over the guilt and it will all be a distant memory before you realise it.

GuineaPiglet345 · 24/03/2019 08:14

Just ignore it, if you were breastfeeding they’d only ask you when you were planning to give up and wouldn’t it just be easier to give the baby a bottle and are you sure the baby is getting enough, should you just top up with formula - so you can’t win either way!

Shazafied · 24/03/2019 08:18

I get it op, I had exactly the same experience as you. People are idiots and pregnant women / new mums seem to be a free for all in terms
of asking nosey questions / giving unsolicited advice. Having been there I would NEVER ask a new mum if she is BF or not. All i can say is that as they get a bit older people ask less and you’ll feel less guilty. I felt guilty for
Months but in hindsight can now see that bottle feeding was 100% the correct and necessary choice for me and my daughter - she’s 15 months now and bright as a button, never ill. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much of her early weeks being hard on myself.

I’m currently 8m pregnant with DD2 and am actively planning to bottle
Feed after the first month .... for me there are so many benefits. I never thought I’d say this when dd1 was a small baby and I was wracked with guilt. Xxx

MarthasGinYard · 24/03/2019 08:19

Do people really ask this?

I was only ever asked once and that was by the local complete busy body who runs all kind of 'breast feeding' cafes. I must admit I replied 'goodness, no' Grin

Isadora2007 · 24/03/2019 08:19

Yanbu but it’s not really them judging you, it’s you. When you feel happier with your situation then you won’t feel bothered when someone asks about how your baby is fed. Maybe just talk over your experiences with someone you trust, explore your own emotions around everything and when you feel like you’ve put it all to rest and you have confidence you’re doing a great job of being a mum to your baby (and you ARE!) then what other people ask or observe won’t matter either way. Flowers

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 24/03/2019 08:20

Because I haven't let him cry or out, I dont do controlled crying I haven't tried waking to sleep, I havent switched to formula blah blah blah insert 1000 miracle solutions in here

Or alternatively when asked you respond with "No. But we are doing just fine thank you very much"

GuineaPiglet345 · 24/03/2019 08:21

@Mississippilessly my baby sleeps through the night and always has done, I don’t tell anyone this because they don’t believe me and I get this face Hmm - almost like I’m not doing parenting right if I haven’t been up since 4am.

Shazafied · 24/03/2019 08:22

@MarthasGinYard that’s a great response !!

Mississippilessly · 24/03/2019 08:25

GuineaPiglet345 so basically we are screwed either which way! (I believe you by the way - I also want to cry a bit though too!)

ukgift2016 · 24/03/2019 08:25

I think it is awful the pressure and humiliation FF mums are put through. I remember being embarrassed to feed my daughter formula milk in public because I was afraid I be looked down on.

Shazafied · 24/03/2019 08:29

@ukgift2016 me too. Second time
round and I’m Much more confident in my choices and wouldn’t feel embarrassed or like I had to defend myself. The first few weeks as a new
Mum are so hard anyway without busy bodies questioning and judging you !! People need o wind their necks in. Ignore op, you’ve done nothing wrong and your daughter will be healthy and happy, and you’ll be a happy mum xx

BrokenWing · 24/03/2019 08:47

At 4 weeks all babies do is eat, sleep and poop. There isn't much else to all about to seem interested in how someone is getting on, so any questions are likely to be in one of these areas. Dont take it personally.

MarthasGinYard · 24/03/2019 08:51

'I think it is awful the pressure and humiliation FF mums are put through. I remember being embarrassed to feed my daughter formula milk in public because I was afraid I be looked down on.'

Blimey that's awful

I truly couldn't have cared a kipper. I never once experienced anything negative when we fed Dd....

Although I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

NoParticularPattern · 24/03/2019 08:57

The problem is that there’s really very little about a newborn that isn’t your own that you can really talk about without covering the usual triple crown of: “is he/she good?” “Does he/she sleep?” “Are you breast or bottle feeding?”. Sometimes you get “natural or c section?” Thrown in there for bonus points too. It’s really not a judgement of your choices as a parent, it’s just conversation. I always feel judged for the fact that my daughter doesn’t sleep, I felt judged for NOT formula feeding and I hated people asking is she was “good” like there’s only two types of baby: good ones and satanic demon spawn. The problem is that slot of how I felt back then was a horrible combination of sleep deprivation and hormones making me just feel judged and horrid. The sleep deprivation is still there but now the hormones aren’t my attitude is much more “not your fucking business you nosy git”!

Mixedupmummy · 24/03/2019 08:59

I've got 3 children. first was bottle fed early on and the other 2 were bf until over a year.... trust me when i say that there's necessary judgement both ways. but, I think in this case it's mainly from yourself. as a pp said people are just making conversation and it's your sensitivity to the issue that's causing you to feel judged. when you feel happier with your decision or the pain of it fades, you won't feel like this.
congratulations on your baby. Flowers

BertrandRussell · 24/03/2019 09:03

Usually it’s just something to say. And bf mothers can feel judged too!

You’re in the majority, by 6 weeks most babies are bottlefed. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, so be careful not to read judgement where there usn’t any. There are some aresholes who might be judging- but there are an equal number of arseholes who judge bfeeders too!

Smile and wave.

Dutch1e · 24/03/2019 09:04

Most people don't even really listen to answers and couldn't give a flying fuck how you raise your baby. They're being polite.

FrowningFlamingo · 24/03/2019 09:05

Exactly what @GuineaPiglet345 said. I have a six week old and am breastfeeding. Loads of people have asked if I'm giving him formula yet, telling me he'd sleep better, would be better for dad etc. You really can't win!

3boysandabump · 24/03/2019 09:26

See I bf and get the opposite. Even healthcare professionals ask when I'll stop because you know now he's over 6 months blah blah blah.

One of the first things everyone should learn when they have a baby is to filter out people's comments and 'advice'. I say that but I think it took me until baby number 3 to actually do this.

You do what you do for your baby and it's really not anybody's business.

Celebelly · 24/03/2019 10:02

People soon regret asking me this as we have a complicated situation! DD is 6 weeks and due to tight jaw and posterior tongue tie has struggled to latch, so sometimes she is BF, but most of the time she's on expressed milk and the occasional formula top up if she's having a hungry day and I can't keep up. Once I've explained all that, people seem to want to change the subject pronto, especially once I start talking about breast pumps Grin

sagradafamiliar · 24/03/2019 10:18

I can't fathom why people (other than professionals for recording purposes) ask this question. It's such a personal thing which evokes complicated feelings, you'd think other women especially would understand.

ThePlaceToVent · 24/03/2019 10:21

In a few years none of this shit will matter.

Babies seem to put people in this highly magnified vortex.

Honestly none of it matters.

LittleBearPad · 24/03/2019 10:27

Come give me a shake

No. I was exactly where you are, several years ago. It was upsetting and I felt I failed. I didn’t, I did my best but I felt judged too.

Big hug