to get pissed off when people ask if I’m breastfeeding?

[iamsuchatit]

DD will be 4 weeks on Thursday and I haven’t managed to breastfeed her (not from lack of trying). I know healthcare professionals have to ask but every fucking relative and even randomers have asked me (or asked if I’ve given up) and it’s pissing me off. I can feel their judgement when I say she’s formula fed (although she has been getting some expressed milk).

Come give me a shake

[MyBoiledEggIsTooSoft]

Oh OP, please try not to beat yourself up. I think that anything baby related is so polarised because all new mums are so hormonal (I was an emotional wreck) and because we want to do the best for our babies. Your baby will turn out to an amazing toddler before you know it!

If you are still thinking about a breastfeeding consultant (your baby will be perfectly happy either way), I used Geraldine Miskin (London based though). She was amazing and I think I only managed to BF my first due to her. I don’t think it would be too late as I had the opposite problem with my third. Up to 4-6 weeks, they will eat anything. After 6 weeks, it is almost impossible to make them take a bottle unless they are used to it (was horrendous).

Please try to think

a) a lot of people genuinely try to make conversation. I might have asked this question myself . For me, I think both ways are equally good, only advantage with BF in my opinion is that you don’t have to sterilise bottles (I am lazy).

b) anyone judging you probably have their own issues. I think some parents are so worried at their own parenting that any little thing they can find to judge, make them feel relatively better (awful!!).

It sounds like you are an amazing mum. You are doing the very best for your baby and at the end of the day, the baby just wants to be loved. Any kind of feeding whilst you cuddle your baby maybe even skin to skin, will help make your baby feel safe and loved and happy.

Big hug

[merdde]

Also, formula feeding does not make for a better sleeping baby!

Maybe formula was different back 'then' and was more satisfying, but it's so so similar to breast feeding now that they differences are negligible.

[merdde]

My friends mil never wanted to breastfeed so didn't bother even trying. When my friend struggled and ultimately could t breastfeed her mil would make out like they were the same. Which they weren't, one didn't even try, and one tried her hardest and couldn't, and was heartbroken over it. Not the same!

[Ihatehashtags]

Asking if you’re breastfeeding as an ice breaker?! Now I’ve heard it all

[Teateaandmoretea]

I think the talking to HV is about the way she is feeling rather than expecting she will sort out the BF problems.

[BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney]

@iamsuchatit

I don’t feel like I’ve had much help with breastfeeding

OP my advice would be start talking! Who cares if it's a stranger? They might have some advice for you. Many women gave vern where you are. I found the breastfeeding drop ins gave me a good place to cry but not much else. The advice I got there didn't help me at all. I think as hard as it is you should swallow your pride and allow yourself to open up. HVs are not the oracle, other mums with experience of BFing will have just as much to offer you.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

I do think it's an odd thing for strangers to ask though as it's often an emotive subject

[Butteredghost]

OP YABU to get annoyed when they ask as they are just making conversation. Not to much to really say about a newborn as they just eat and sleep. So you normally ask how are they feeding and how are they sleeping. Can't ask what books they read or their favourite period in art history.

But I know what it's like when people ask about something that you are judging yourself about or not happy with. The question feels so loaded when you know logically it isn't.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Also I had loads of issues breastfeeding that I needed lots and lots of help from various sources, it felt like everything that could go wrong, did. I hadn't been prepared at all, I went to nct who did a session on feeding that was basically if you hold them the right way they'll be fine. Sometimes I ask friends how they're planning to feed, so if they want to bf I can have a chat with them about what it's really like and issues they are likely to have as I wish I'd had someone do that with me.

[Draughtincluder]

I was sitting with baby DD at one of her health checks and I was asked if I was still breastfeeding her.

I had to explain that my recent breast cancer and double mastectomy made it a tad difficult.

[BertrandRussell]

“Bert why the expectation that women should want to talk to their dp about everything?”

Sorry- I didn’t mean that. Of course you shouldn’t. I was just feeling g you were a bit unsupported. And it’s a shame you can’t talk freely to you HV because that might get you a bit of help. Could you ask your dp to leave you for a bit?

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Hi OP

Haven't RTFT, I might ask a good friend this but absolutely not because I want to judge them. More in a I want to moan about it, in the same way I'd ask 'how is he / she sleeping' so we can swap horror stories of being up 7x a night. Maybe I shouldn't ask as i never thought about someone feeling I was putting pressure on them

Sorry it didn't work out how you wanted

[excavatooor]

Op I just want to give you a hug.

It's really shit sometimes and so hard when things don't go as you'd hoped.

I remember feeling the exact same way and every question about the feeding felt like an attack on my parenting.

I cried every day over my shitty tits and was so angry about it. In hindsight (although imo it is a rude question to ask) I think it felt more of an attack than it was, just because I was so sensitive about it all.

Please speak to your health visitor, they will be a great person to speak to op. X

[Teateaandmoretea]

Bert why the expectation that women should want to talk to their dp about everything?

[BertrandRussell]

OP-(I don’t want to use your name because it doesn’t seem very kind) could you say any more about the problems you’re having? And why you don’t want to talk to your dp about them?

[Upanddownandroundagain]

I’ve asked tons of people this question, as an ice breaker - if the answer is ‘yes I’m breastfeeding’ then we talk about breastfeeding, if the answer is ‘no I’m bottle feeding’ we talk about bottles. It’s purely a conversation thing. I worry now that I’ve been upsetting people, I’ve only ever intended it as a chat!

Do you feel like you could open up a little? If someone at a group asks if you’re breastfeeding say ‘yes but it isn’t going very well’ and see if you get any good advice? It might make you feel better?

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time x

[Teateaandmoretea]

I’ve cried so many times this past week, I feel like I’m verging into PND territory but I don’t want to talk to my HV about it on Friday as my DH will be there.

Unless your problems are more complex than you are admitting you need to tell DP that you would rather he isn't there. I get why you can't talk to the HV with him there, I really do. But if he won't respect that then it's a whole new level.

[TheInventorofToasterStreudel]

I hate this sort of thing. I hope you can recognise it as people being dicks. Also, fed is best! I'm sorry to say that the intrusive comments continue and the only answer is to develop some stock phrases e.g.

When you are out without DC:
"Who's looking after DC?"
"Ah damn, knew I'm forgotten something" or "He's in the car with a bag of crisps" or "I've given him a drink and a snack and I'm letting him get back to nature in the garden."

When you go back to work:
"Oh, are you part time?"
"No, I don't like children"

But in your case, just tell them you've been giving DC Turkey Twizzlers or Wotsits or neat gin. Sometimes people need reminding that they are being rude.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

How come you don’t want to talk to HV in front of DH? Is he supporting you right now OP?

Can you call your mum or a friend just have a chat?

[RainbowWaffles]

I think most of the time, people are just making conversation or trying to take an interest. I doubt many people genuinely care what other people do. Those with strong opinions tend to be projecting to a certain degree. ‘Breast is best’ so those that ff feel like failures and like they have to justify themselves. Bf is bloody hard and I have read so many threads on here about people that soldier on despite having babies that constantly cluster feed for months on end and never sleep, it doesn’t surprise me that people have to justify some of the misery they put themselves through. As pp have said, babies make people pretty crazy. At some point they realize parenting is far more complicated than how you feed them in the first year, which is the grand scheme of things is pretty insignificant. The obsession about bf/ff is just ridiculous.

[iamsuchatit]

I don’t feel like I’ve had much help with breastfeeding, especially in hospital. I’ve been to a local breastfeeding support group and was shown different positions to try and HV is coming over Friday. I need a lactation consultant but I can’t find one.

I’ve cried so many times this past week, I feel like I’m verging into PND territory but I don’t want to talk to my HV about it on Friday as my DH will be there.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Have you spoken to your HV about how you’re feeling OP? Might be worth talking to someone.

[maryberryslayers]

Oh god I often ask this, only because I found it really difficult in the beginning and I like to chat about it with people, not because I judge them for not. I won't ask again though

[Teateaandmoretea]

inews.co.uk/opinion/breastfeeding-problems-complications-health-womens-rights/?utm_source=fb&utm_medium=fb&utm_campaign=jp_reshare

This is an interesting article OP that I saw earlier today

[BertrandRussell]

That sounds crap, OP.

Please tell me to bugger off-or worse if it will make you feel better, Or just ignore me. I know this is one of the most annoying things that people say. But you have had access to all the help and support available, haven’t you? Because it sounds as if you would like to BF, and I would hate it if it turned out you’d been struggling alone without realising that there are resources available.