Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get pissed off when people ask if I’m breastfeeding?

114 replies

iamsuchatit · 24/03/2019 05:25

DD will be 4 weeks on Thursday and I haven’t managed to breastfeed her (not from lack of trying). I know healthcare professionals have to ask but every fucking relative and even randomers have asked me (or asked if I’ve given up) and it’s pissing me off. I can feel their judgement when I say she’s formula fed (although she has been getting some expressed milk).

Come give me a shake

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 24/03/2019 10:28

I was the same as you OP. It felt like a massive stab of guilt every time I was asked. I even had a random woman come up and ask me in the pub during Sunday lunch once. I was Shock It was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I got absolutely furious with her and said some very choice things. On the plus side, the man who ran the pub comped my lunch. He said his wife had really struggled with it and the guilt too and he was pleased to see someone bite back. Grin

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 24/03/2019 10:33

"are you breastfeeding the baby?"

Look down at each breast in turn, frowning, tilt head and really squint at each one. Confirm to yourself that there isn't a baby attached.
"nope, pretty sure there's no baby there. Did you see one? Where did it go?"

TurquoiseDress · 24/03/2019 10:36

YANBU

This got to me for at least the first several weeks or so- and beyond- although I had what I now term 'post-natal rage' and I got very wound up, very quickly! (was invaded by in-laws who outstayed their welcome- by a whole month!)

Yeah I hear you

It just got downright annoying when every other fucker seemed to ask whether I was breastfeeding- we only managed it for the first month or so, then baby kept losing weight so I ended up giving more formula and that was it really

Happy with my choices and how things panned out, but seriously hacked off with everyone's seeming need to know whether I was BF or not!

The worst was when they followed it up with some sort of BF anecdote and seemed to expect some response from me or interaction at this piece of information.

TurquoiseDress · 24/03/2019 10:39

Even the woman at the checkout in Tesco got a death stare from me when she asked- oh, is that free milk? when she scanned through my ten quid box of formula.

WTF? why not just ask me straight out why/whether I'm BF or not- everyone else has

I'm shuddering from memories of post-natal RAGE

Stuckforthefourthtime · 24/03/2019 10:43

People just love to judge. When I say I am breast, plenty of people shake their heads and say 'bet he's not sleeping', or 'when are you planning to stop?'.

Being a new parent is an exciting opportunity for everyone to judge any possible choice you make, you just have to nod and smile noncommittal Lu and mentally tell them to eff off.

americandream · 24/03/2019 10:45

@iamsuchatit

Wow, nosey bints they are. Probably only 'making conversation' but that is the usual spiel when someone is being rude 'I was only asking,' I was only joking,' and 'I was only making conversation.' Hmm

If it bothers you a lot (and that is understandable,) just say 'yeah' when they say 'are you breastfeeding?' Then change the subject. Can't think of what to say to your mom though!

I don't what's wrong with folk, and why they have to be so rude to other people. My daughter's friend who is 22, got married in 2017 at the age of 20 (to the lad she has been with since they were fourteen!) and she has just announced she is pregnant.

The amount of nasty, snarky comments she has got since announcing her pregnancy is disgusting. You'd think they were both blimmn' twelve! Hmm

I mean, even FAMILY members of hers are wittering on about how young she is, and how she has got her whole life ahead of her so why get knocked up now (urgh rude!), and how she is 'tying herself down so young.'

When I said 'congratulations Lily, how lovely to hear you and Tom are having a baby!' and gave her a hug, she burst into tears. I was taken aback and thought it was the baby hormones, but it wasn't; she said I am one of the very few people who have been nice about her being pregnant, and she has had hate and nasty comments from everywhere since she announced it a month back.

Weirdly, her husband - Tom - has not been in receipt of the same vitriol and nasty comments. In fact, most of his mates have said 'well done mate!'

People just need to fuck off .... really.

Oh, and congratulations on your new baby! Grin

disclaimer Lily and Tom are not their real names.

CandyCreeper · 24/03/2019 10:48

I have bf four children and have never been asked by anyone how I feed them. HmmConfused

americandream · 24/03/2019 10:55

@Stuckforthefourthtime

People just love to judge. When I say I am breast, plenty of people shake their heads and say 'bet he's not sleeping', or 'when are you planning to stop?

FGS, so matter what you do, people judge and comment, but it's OK, coz they only making conversation! Hmm

As I said, these comments are almost always exclusively reserved for women. It's very rare that men are 'got at.)

@CandyCreeper

I have bf four children and have never been asked by anyone how I feed them. Hmm Confused

Lucky you. Must hardly ever leave the hosue OR have visitors.

Shookethtothecore · 24/03/2019 10:57

Used to annoy me aswell. I just replied “no I give her Diet Coke” in the end and leave it at that. Soon people stopped asking

bluegreygreen · 24/03/2019 10:57

Posted this on the other current thread - repeating here in case anyone finds it interesting

Interesting episode of The Food Chain from the World Service today - discussion between 3 women from different countries re having to stop breastfeeding

When breast isn't best

happymummy12345 · 24/03/2019 11:02

I know how you feel. I chose not to even try it as I didn't want to. I feel it's our choice and I didn't want to try it.
The community midwife and the student tried to put in my notes that I would try it, I insisted I would not be, and threatened to make a complaint if they put that in my notes.
My son was in NICU for 12 days. The staff there judged me a lot, I knew exactly what they were thinking.
The only people who never judged me at all were the brilliant midwife and student midwife in the birth centre who delivered ds, and my equally lovely health visitor. Even the doctor at the 6 week check was awful about it.
It can be hard but I stood my ground and ignored them all. It was my body and my choice. I didn't want to breastfeed so I didn't, and no one was going to make me try, no matter what was said or how they treated me over it.

Shutupanddance1 · 24/03/2019 11:04

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Most people however just do it as chit chat, I’ve found most people don’t really care either way.

I’d only ask a close friend how they were getting on BF as I’ve BF 2 of my DDs and understand how much support is needed - emotionally and physically.

HavelockVetinari · 24/03/2019 11:06

People need to sod off asking that question - I think it's ignorance rather than being judgy usually, but it makes women feel like they're doing something 'wrong' somehow (although this is all internalised, the questioner likely doesn't give a crap - like a PP said, there's only a limited number of things you can ask about a newborn!).

Twice I had unasked-for rants about why FF is best, I just nodded and said "hmm" and "I hear you". Both times were from mothers who had FF their DC and felt like because I BF, I was somehow judging them. I truly don't give a shit how any individual chooses to feed their baby and never bring up FF/BF in conversation unless I'm asked.

CandyCreeper · 24/03/2019 11:07

Lucky you. Must hardly ever leave the hosue OR have visitors.

Or maybe the people ive met are not rude?! I dont believe this is a common question at all but then I dont believe half the things I read on MN. Im out daily, school runs, etc never been asked once!

OneStepSideways · 24/03/2019 11:10

I think they're just making conversation! Like asking the baby's weight or whether you had a c-section or asking how the baby's sleeping and does she/he have colic etc. It's not personal.

NewAccount270219 · 24/03/2019 11:14

Just ignore it, if you were breastfeeding they’d only ask you when you were planning to give up and wouldn’t it just be easier to give the baby a bottle and are you sure the baby is getting enough, should you just top up with formula - so you can’t win either way!

Absolutely. I think you're imagining that if you were answering their question that yes, you were breastfeeding, you'd be getting loads of praise and approval and so by contrast you're clearly being criticised. I promise you that's not what happens. Similarly, like missippily I often felt judged when people asked if DS slept through the night (eight months, still waiting!) because in my head if I'd said yes they'd have congratulated me on my amazing parenting (because it felt like a criticism that I couldn't get him to sleep). In reality, of course, they'd have just said 'oh good, lucky you' and moved on - they're not even that interested, let alone lining up to judge you.

americandream · 24/03/2019 11:14

@Candycreeper

Or maybe the people ive met are not rude?! I dont believe this is a common question at all but then I dont believe half the things I read on MN. Im out daily, school runs, etc never been asked once!

Good for you!

You are the only one though. As i said, you must hardly leave the house and hardly speak to anyone if NO-ONE has ever asked you anything anything about how you raise your kids, after having FOUR kids!

How ironic that you say you don't believe what you read on MN. So all the posters on this thread are lying?

But you are not?

Ok then!

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 24/03/2019 11:15

Breastfeeding (as you have found) is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Even if you feed successfully it is one of the most challenging things about being a new parent. It is different for every person and so if you are struggling talking to other people with experience can really help. People probably just want to offer support and share their experiences. I can see why it's hurtful given your circumstances but I think people are just wanting to be supportive so try not to be angry. I've no idea what your issue have been with BFing but people here can be very supportive if you needed advice.

CandyCreeper · 24/03/2019 11:18

You are the only one though. As i said, you must hardly leave the house and hardly speak to anyone if NO-ONE has ever asked you anything anything about how you raise your kids, after having FOUR kids!

Did I say noone has ever asked me anything. I said no one has ever asked me how I feed my children. You sound super angry and sensitive. Get a grip. Most people irl dont get a shit how you feed hence why ive NEVER been asked. With 4 children I dont have a choice but to go out daily so
piss off 😂 no one cares IRL is MY experience!

NewAccount270219 · 24/03/2019 11:22

Most people irl dont get a shit how you feed hence why ive NEVER been asked. With 4 children I dont have a choice but to go out daily so piss off 😂 no one cares IRL is MY experience!

No one asking you is your own experience, and a perfectly valid one, but you said you don't believe other people who were asked a lot. I was. I promise I'm not a liar, an attention seeker or whatever odd motivation you think I have for claiming this.

Shazafied · 24/03/2019 11:22

“People probably just want to offer support and share their experiences”

Not the case in my experience. The bloke in the corner shop asked me if I was BF when I went in to buy a sandwich, 6 week old dd asleep in pram. “... and are you feeding her yourself?”

I doubt he had much advice to offer on the complex reasons why BF was failing miserably at that point.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 24/03/2019 11:22

I agree it's a common question among new mums. I've asked and been asked.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 24/03/2019 11:27

Ah OK yes I'm sure there are exceptions. I've been asked by family and friends and other new mums whose motives I'm sure have been positive. Even mum's who are strangers I'd give the benefit of the doubt to. Not sure about cornershop man though Confused

CandyCreeper · 24/03/2019 11:27

Well there are plenty of people on this thread who have said they would never ask so maybe its the people you associate with! Me never being asked means I never leave the house? paranoid much. Are you also one of those people who thinks everyones staring at you when they're not?

NewAccount270219 · 24/03/2019 11:27

I agree it's a bit optimistic to think that all these people are aspiring BF counsellors, shazafied. I once got told that when I said being asked 'if I was feeding him' on the bus annoyed me on MN - that they were probably just trying to help me solve any feeding problems I was having (I wasn't having any!). Apparently not wanting advice on my boobs from an absolute stranger on a bus makes me rude, antisocial and privileged (apparently I just didn't like it because I was lucky enough that BF worked easily for me, and if I were struggling I'd be grateful for support from random woman on bus. This thread vindicates my belief that this was not the case!)