AIBU or has DM been selfish to deny me any knowledge of my father?

[UmBankroll]

I’ll try to keep it concise but detailed so as to avoid any drip feeds.

I am in my mid-20s and I have never met my father, never seen a photo of him, never even been told his name. It isn’t on my birth certificate. As far as I’ve been told, he and DM were not married but were in a long-term cohabiting relationship when I was planned and conceived, until he cheated on DM when she was quite heavily pregnant and she kicked him out.

I am an only child, as is DM. DGPs (maternal obviously) say they met my father several times during the relationship but have been told by DM not to tell me anything about him. As far back as I can remember, whenever I would ask DM where my father was, she would reply “you don’t have one”.

Naturally as I grew older and more inquisitive I pressured DM a lot with questions about him but she would never reveal any information as to his identity. Then when I was 7 I recall her receiving a phone call, crying, and telling me that my father had died.

All these years, she and my DGPs have never let slip one iota of information about him. I’ve asked so many times whether the reason DM is so adamant that I know nothing about him is due to the fact that he is/was a terrible man, and she’s protecting me from him, but she and DGPs always insist that’s not the case. DM’s favourite reasoning is “He didn’t deserve to know his beautiful DD after how he betrayed me. He threw it all away and it was his loss.”

I can truly believe that this is her logic because I have seen a pattern over the years with her friendships that have broken down. Friendships with people who were my ‘godparents’ and whom I had known all my life. DM felt utterly betrayed by me for remaining in contact with them, even though her personal fallings-out with them had nothing to do with me.

I’m a happy person and I grew up feeling very much loved, but of course there’s always been a void and a curiosity that has never been satisfied due to knowing nothing about my father. And now that I have recently become a mother myself, I just simply can’t comprehend the idea of ever denying my child the right to know who their father is/was. Even if (god forbid) my DH did something terrible or hurt me tremendously, I can confidently say I would never deny our child the right to (at the very least) know the identity of his father. I believe it is a birth right, and since becoming a parent myself I have really found it difficult to stomach my DM’s decision to keep me in the dark.

My DH has tried to convince DM to at least give me a nugget of information about my father, and last year she did admit to DH that she thought she may still have a photo of him somewhere that she could ‘possibly unearth’, but it never emerged.

So AIBU to think my DM has been selfish in starving me of any information regarding my father for my whole life? Or should I accept/respect her decision and assume she’s doing it with my best interests at heart (as she sees it)? Is it a parent’s right to deny their child knowledge of their other parent?

YANBU. Surely as an adult it is your decision. She is punishing you for his mistake...

My DM would fall out with relatives and then go ballistic if she found out I was in contact with them. It was a betrayal. Turned out she was a narcissist. Your DM is being controlling unless of course your DF turns out to be a rapist, murderer and was in prison for the crime in which case she would be ashamed for you to know.

I think it’s cruel, even if he was a murderer or one thing equally as awful at least if you knew you could make up your mind for yourself not to speak to him. What if you ever need any medical information from him?

You could tell her you are going to put out an alert on Facebook giving your mothers name, date of birth, place of birth, mothers old address and ask the world to share it. That might put the fear of god into her.

Yadnbu
Having you considered doing one of those ancestry DNA tests that can match your family

Not just selfish, but unbelievably cruel too. I'm so sorry.

Yanbu. I didn't know my father, growing up because of my mum. Long story but she admits it now.

But I knew his name and found him when I was an adult.

Your mum is out of order.

Yanbu .

As an adult you get to make the decisions.

Well exactly, and I’ve told her repeatedly that even if he was a convicted murderer or something horrendous, I would still rather know than just be completely clueless! At least then I would deal with the knowledge and put it to bed, rather than living with this massive question mark.

@Stressedout10 I have contemplated trying an ancestry/DNA test, although he’s supposedly been dead since 1998... but I guess if he had any surviving relatives it could potentially throw up a match? Part of me just wants to find out one way or another, and another part of me wants to hold out for my DM to finally give me the information I’ve been asking for all these years.

The only thing I can think is if she thinks she is protecting you as he did do something awful, such as being a rapist/murderer as someone mentioned up thread. However, as an adult, I would think it would only be right for your DM to let you know he had done something terrible and ask if you still want to know. YADNBU to think it's unfair of her not to let you know.

I can understand her being very hurt that he left her while she was heavily pregnant but I never understand why that's a reason not to ever let someone be involved in their child's life, if they choose to be. I have a friend who was in a very similar situation and she has never let her ex see their daughter - she's 10 now and as far as I know has never met him. I'm in no way condoning the behaviour but he didn't cheat on the baby.

It doesn't sound as though your DM is going to give you any more details though. Difficult when you have literally nothing to go on. I agree with pp, a DNA site may be an idea?

It depends why. If it's just because he cheated then she is BU. Even though I don't understand why you would care so much about a man that had nothing to do with you.

If it's like my friend who was severely abused,beaten and raped by her partner,an her child was conceived during the rapes then she is not BU.

The thing is I doubt you'd stop wondering and searching even if she did give you some information. It has the possibility to consume you and harm you regarded if he's a great guy(why no contact then) or absolutely evil.

I'm going to give you a different opinion to the rest.
When I became a mother I had thoughts along the lines of... How can anyone give their baby away etc etc because of the overwhelming feeling you get but not everyone gets it.
As the months went by and realised how much it takes to get through the first year, my thoughts were more on the lines of, how on earth do all these men leave their babies when 1) they are so beautiful and 2) all the work the mother puts in day and night (from a breastfeeding perspective as no one else could help me with that except encourage me).
I can imagine your mum has gone through such a huge betrayel. You plan a life together and then he just buggers off and everything changes. Everything.
Of course she should have at least given some info on him and not left you in the dark so she has overdone it in crossing the line but just like how some people cannot understand mental health today, she has taken it much worse than the average person. You are her everything and she probably fears losing you the way she lost your dad.
In order to get some information from her, try to encourage her if you haven't already. Keep on reassuring her that you will not betray her and it's just something anyone needs to know. Who was he? Even if he was a murderer you would ask. It doesn't mean you are going to walk away from her. Tell her how much you love her and that she will always be your number one. She was the one who was there for you all the way. Sometimes just making them really know they won't lose you will help them trust enough to give you the information.

“...but he didn't cheat on the baby.”

Precisely this @Wholovesorangesoda and this is why I mentioned the pattern in DM’s behaviour of expecting/demanding that I cut out anyone who has ever offended her or fallen out with her, even if they played a significant role in my life growing up. I feel she expects me to fall in line and be totally loyal to her and her hurt feelings, without considering the fact that my relationship with these people is a separate entity and I have a right to continue it if I so wish.

I really don’t think she’s hiding information about him from me because he’s a serial killer or anything. I feel it was her way of punishing him for hurting her, but she doesn’t realise or won’t acknowledge that it’s actually punishing me too.

YANBU, I could have written this. My mother split up with my father and then found out she was pregnant. She chose not to tell him because she didn't want him in her life. Has always maintained that he was immature but not evil, she just didn't want him around.

Luckily she at least gave me enough to find him, although I don't think she anticipated how much social media would make things easier.

You deserve to know, even if he is heinous. It's your history.

OP, I'm a cynical person so this may be nothing. However, if he died why is she still covering it up? She doesn't need to protect you from him anymore.

Could she know more like whether he went on to have another family or even worse, could he still be more alive?

Your DM is out of order. She should tell you especially if it was just cheating. When I say 'just' I mean that it should affect your relationship with him. Him cheating ruined their relationship however it should with yours.

Thank you @formerlondonlass and I’m sorry that you missed out on growing up with a father in the picture too. I hope finding out about him and connecting with him has been a positive experience for you.

DM says “he wasn’t a bad person but he did a bad thing to me, and he didn’t deserve any part in our lives after that.”

Thanks for your alternative perspective @babba2014 but I don’t think she would be worried about losing me to him, seeing as he has apparently been dead for 20 years. I’d just like to know his name, date of birth, date of death, nationality, what he looked like... simple things like that. For people who have always had that basic knowledge of both parents and taken it for granted, I guess it can be very difficult to imagine why it would feel so important to someone who knows nothing. I’m not expecting to connect with him; as far as I’m aware he’s dead. I would just like to know some details that make up 50% of my DNA; part of my history and heritage.

YANBU unless there is some horrendous reason she is not telling you, but then you have no way of knowing that so you can't be being unreasonable.

Who does your DM think she is protecting? Is it herself? She must have painful memories of feet rejected.

Or who is she punishing? If you, it's not your fault.

YANBU to want to know. If she won't tell you or GPS would an aunt or friend? Surely a contemporary would know.

@WhenISnappedandFarted These are questions that often play on my mind... Without any details how can I possibly know whether he really is dead or not? At the age of 7 I was probably insufferable with relentless questions so perhaps the easiest option was to shut it all down by telling me he died? I really don’t want to believe that my DM would lie about my father’s death but stranger things have happened.

Sometimes I imagine that I’m the illegitimate child of someone insanely famous and that DM was paid off for her silence This is the fun part about not knowing who your dad is... you can invent wild conspiracies!

So try the DNA test it does throw up all kinds of partial matches
You may even have siblings

I’m going to guess it was someone local or even a friend of your DMs

Having said that why didn’t he even try to visit you?

I would definitely get an Ancestry Dna test done as it may show up any half siblings/ aunts/uncles on his side that have had it done and you could trace him that way.

I think your DM is being very unfair.

I am not in your position.

But, I think your mother is being heartless. I would go NC if she wasn't prepared to give me the basic details.

Alternatively, as someone has suggested above, tell her that you will be publishing full details on social media unless she helps you.

I really don't think there is any excuse.

@GreenTulips Maybe he did? Who knows. I remember being devastated when DM and her best friend of 20+ years (my godmother) had a big falling out when I was 14, and I never heard from my godmother again. I bumped into her 5 years later and it turned out she had been sending to me for every birthday and every Christmas but DM hadn’t passed the parcels on to me. So she has form for such behaviour - who’s to say she didn’t intercept or prevent attempts by my father to contact me.

YANBU. There isn't any good reason why your mum shouldn't at least tell you his name and why he wasn't part of your life, short of her not knowing it herself. Even if something absolutely harrowing has happened, a child still has a right to know who their dad is. It's selfish of your mum to act this way- yes, even if he raped her or something equally difficult for her to admit. Don't take her word that's he's bad, that he abandoned you, if even that he died. She's proven herself to be untrustworthy and given you reason to be very suspicious. Her behaviour has been ridiculous. How can anyone sit there crying in front of their child, telling them their dad is dead and not even tell them who he was. That's not normal behaviour and you deserve better.

I would just tell her that you're going to do your own search to find him - social media, DNA, private investigator etc. You may find she gives up the info then, but if not then be prepared to follow through and conduct your search. Find out who he was and come to your own conclusions about him. Be prepared to unearth something upsetting - sounds like your mum is hiding something.

I guess it can be very difficult to imagine why it would feel so important*

I can imagine why , I just don't think you will find what you're looking for and odds are than in trying to find out where you "came" from you might lose yourself.

Yes your mother might be a vindictive,selfish and petty person. The world is full of them. She might also be trying to protect you.

And I'm adopted so I have no idea who my father was and only basic info about my birth mother.(how old she was,where she was and a name) Doesn't change who or what I am.