AIBU or has DM been selfish to deny me any knowledge of my father?

[UmBankroll]

I’ll try to keep it concise but detailed so as to avoid any drip feeds.

I am in my mid-20s and I have never met my father, never seen a photo of him, never even been told his name. It isn’t on my birth certificate. As far as I’ve been told, he and DM were not married but were in a long-term cohabiting relationship when I was planned and conceived, until he cheated on DM when she was quite heavily pregnant and she kicked him out.

I am an only child, as is DM. DGPs (maternal obviously) say they met my father several times during the relationship but have been told by DM not to tell me anything about him. As far back as I can remember, whenever I would ask DM where my father was, she would reply “you don’t have one”.

Naturally as I grew older and more inquisitive I pressured DM a lot with questions about him but she would never reveal any information as to his identity. Then when I was 7 I recall her receiving a phone call, crying, and telling me that my father had died.

All these years, she and my DGPs have never let slip one iota of information about him. I’ve asked so many times whether the reason DM is so adamant that I know nothing about him is due to the fact that he is/was a terrible man, and she’s protecting me from him, but she and DGPs always insist that’s not the case. DM’s favourite reasoning is “He didn’t deserve to know his beautiful DD after how he betrayed me. He threw it all away and it was his loss.”

I can truly believe that this is her logic because I have seen a pattern over the years with her friendships that have broken down. Friendships with people who were my ‘godparents’ and whom I had known all my life. DM felt utterly betrayed by me for remaining in contact with them, even though her personal fallings-out with them had nothing to do with me.

I’m a happy person and I grew up feeling very much loved, but of course there’s always been a void and a curiosity that has never been satisfied due to knowing nothing about my father. And now that I have recently become a mother myself, I just simply can’t comprehend the idea of ever denying my child the right to know who their father is/was. Even if (god forbid) my DH did something terrible or hurt me tremendously, I can confidently say I would never deny our child the right to (at the very least) know the identity of his father. I believe it is a birth right, and since becoming a parent myself I have really found it difficult to stomach my DM’s decision to keep me in the dark.

My DH has tried to convince DM to at least give me a nugget of information about my father, and last year she did admit to DH that she thought she may still have a photo of him somewhere that she could ‘possibly unearth’, but it never emerged.

So AIBU to think my DM has been selfish in starving me of any information regarding my father for my whole life? Or should I accept/respect her decision and assume she’s doing it with my best interests at heart (as she sees it)? Is it a parent’s right to deny their child knowledge of their other parent?

OP, your local main library will probably have copies of the electoral rolls going way back. If you know the address where they lived, or even just the road, and the approximate year, that would be the place to start.

@UmBankroll -like some other posters I wonder if your father really is dead.

A few years ago I realised something in my childhood was utterly untrue but I had accepted it as a truth simply because it was told to me by my mother. And children do trust and believe things their mother tells them.

I think it’s more likely that the crying phonecall was made up to silence you or possibly (as a pp said) she heard something that she didn’t like.

to everyone who has experienced or is still dealing with a similar situation.

I have now signed up to MyHeritage/ancestry and have ordered a DNA test kit. Someone has already completed a quite extensive family tree of my maternal side of the family, and predictably my father is listed as ‘Unknown’. Let the investigations begin!

YANBU - have your thought about something like ancestors DNA? Might link you to relatives. My parents stumbled across a grandchild they did not know they had!

@UmBankroll all the best with your searching!! It’s awful you have to go through all this when a simple name from your mum could make it so much easier, but it will be worth it when you make some developments, and hopefully give you some peace, the not knowing must be horrible.

My mother and I no longer have a relationship (in part), because she pulled this with me. Interestingly I watched her do the same with my half sister, and she cuts people off when she feels she has been wronged. Even if it was a minor falling out. Now she doesn't have power over me because I won't let her, she is vile to my sister.

I did find my dad, and he is alive. It's very strange finding someone who never knew you existed, having to convince them you're possibly their child and then having a DNA test. I found him with only a name, a 5 year period of birth and a starsign (thanks ma 🙄). The one thing I wasn't prepared for was that he'd want a relationship with me, I simply wanted him to know I existed as after having my daughter I thought it was only right.

I hope you get somewhere with this. I have 3 siblings I'm getting to know, and I now know what he looks like which had fine a lot for my feelings of lack of identity.

I don’t know of you saw the recent long lost family in America

Woman about 40 wanted to find the mum who left her as a baby. Her dad brought her up and has since died.

They couldn’t trace her mum but found her ‘real’ dad. She had no idea her deceased father wasn’t her father, and wasn’t even sure if he knew.
He ‘real’ father had 8 other children and she fell in the middle. He had no idea of her existence. It was a bit of a shock all round, but her new sisters were very welcoming.

Watch it. It gives you and insight to how the DNA matching works

Llongyfarchiadu
Don't give up. Try the DNA route.

Good luck op! I couldn't continue a relationship if my mother was doing what yours is. You're an adult. I'd personally give an ultimatum of you tell me details or I never see you again.

Go online, Ancestry is probably your best bet (get the free 7 day trial), and look up the electoral register and phone books for when they lived together. His name will be there, with your Mum’s. You could also check to see if they ever married, they may have and she may have lied about it? A DNA test is cheap at the moment £59 I think? And if any members of his family have tested then you’ll match. Good luck!

I would suggest that your df is /was anything but a criminal. Your dm is so scared he /his family wil become so important to you that she will fade into the background of your life. And can't /won't accept that. She is very selfish. My dm also denied me any sort of relationship with my df. Lots of men get slated for not seeing their dc. But it's because of women like our dm's. Wouldn't shock me if your df is alive and very well op.

That’s appalling and inexcusable. Compounded by the deceit iro your lovely godmother

From my perspective OP ...My son who is 28 has never seen or had any relationship with his father but he could do anytime he wanted from my point of view.We were very young and daft and we both knew our relationship wasnt going to work.When i found out I was pregnant we sat down and decided to give it a go together..we tried ...it didnt work.There was no hard feelings either way,We sat down and I can vividly remember the conversation we had as to what we were going to do next regarding our unborn child.I asked him with us both being young if I could bring up the child on my own with no interference and could we just make new lives for ourselves,he agreed.I brought my son up myself and was happy to do it but I know where his dad is and I told my son many years ago about his dad and the fun we had together and what a good man he was and told him should he ever wish to see his dad and have a relationship then it was fine by me,and I would help and do all I could to enable this.My son never wanted to,never felt it was important to him and to this day is happy as things are.Your mum i feel should put aside her own feelings unless she is doing this out of a deep concern to protect you from something,something she knows would hurt you then I kind of agree with her but if it is just that she doesnt want to help you for no other reason than her own then that is just wrong.Everyone belongs to someone and some people need this some don't....I wish you well on your quest for answers but can I say a word of caution,you may not like what you find please before you embark on this give that some thought ..be prepared on all fronts and most importantly take care of you.....i hope it all works out for you...

Can you try your godmother again? It could be now you are well into adulthood and the fact she is no longer in a relationship with your mother might mean she will give you more info.

I can understand your DM wanting nothing more to do with him. Being heavily pregnant would rule out termination so if she let him be in your life he would have to be in hers too.

As others have said, he knew she was pregnant but he didn't exactly fight to be in your life either.

However once you turned 18 she need no longer be involved so she should let you know the details.

I too would write to say that you are going to track down your father's family. As she won't share his information, all you have to go on is hers. You're planning on using local papers and social media as it is proven to be very effective. You'd rather not have to use her as a starting point but she's given you no choice. You'll hold on for a couple of weeks for her to supply what she knows but if she stays intransigent then you have no other option.

Ancestry and Find My Past have a couple of weeks free trial. You can get electoral registers going back to the 60s. There may still be neighbours there. There are also newspaper archives. I found a 21st birthday message to my DGM from GF. There might be something there for you. Good luck.

I really hope you find some answers.

A friend of mine was reunited with her sister through a DNA test. Her oldest sister had been adopted out at birth by her parents. The sister did a DNA test and found a cousin, the cousin put her in touch with my friend. My friends parents (and older sisters parents) had been together 60 years and never spoke about their first daughter (pre marriage, different times).

How would a (fake) medical discussion go down, where you need your father's details to update the family medical records?
I can see why you're angry.

I don't understand why you would care so much about a man that had nothing to do with you.

Because knowing about your parents can help to know who you are.

Good luck with your search OP. I grew up estranged from my father although my mother had been married to him and he was on my birth certificate. They split up when I was two. I found it distressing never knowing where he was. [this and other things have impacted on my ability to from successful relationships] Whenever I speak to anyone on the phone my first response is always 'where are you'.

When I finally decided to find him he had died some ten years previously at the age of 38. He wasn't such a nice man either and had been in prison however despite not knowing him he was/is still my dad and I had the emotional journey to take to learn love and forgiveness.

Despite not knowing him and not finding out at the time when I read his death certificate it was as if he had died in that instant.

Years later I am ok and have accepted what happened. I'm glad I know now. I wish I'd been able to find earlier.

You have a right to know. Because of info I was given about my bio dad as an adult, my life will hopefully be saved from a genetic condition.

Both my siblings don't know who their dad's are. Our mom has given vague answers and told me she met my sister's dad in a welfare office and though they'd make cute kids but also in a fight once with my sister told her she was the product of rape. Our mom has severe mental health and addiction issues and lies a lot. Is in jail a lot. Has said awful things about her family and her kids. I don't believe anything that she says.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It' not right. Even if the answers aren't pretty you have a right to know.

@innernutshell I agree and I understand. I'm sorry for your loss. My bio dad died of a drug overdoes years before I found his family. It was a very complicated grieving process.

Another one saying you are DNBU. Could you appeal to your DM again saying you would like to know for medical reasons on behalf of your DC? She might at least give you his name and make it easier to hunt for him and his family? She is clearly being selfish and nursing a decades long hurt - perhaps your GPs might respond too. Good luck with your hunting.

We used Finder Monkey to locate DH's unfortunately deceased father. Similar story to your DM, she had denied all info to DH and it really messed him up. We now have 1 DC and DH is still coming to terms with it as DC reaches the ages where DH remembers specific traumatic events.

Finder Monkey was surprisingly affordable about £250 and they also found DH's half sister who then introduced us to her side of the family who were able to tell DH much more of the details around his DM's lies story. DH and half sister still in touch, it's amazing how they look similar and even share a lot of personality traits.

I think you are very brave to confront this and fight for the truth. Good luck.

YANBU lovely. My exP was very abusive and left me when DD was 2. He continued emotionally abusing me and my mum said I should restrict contact to DD and let him take me to court if he wanted to see her, but I couldn't do that to her. However I feel about him (and trust me I hate him as much now as ever...) it's not my place to deprive her of a dad. I'm still glad and proud that I made a decision that was horrible for me, but for the best for her.

I don't know how you make your mum see sense on this issue though... if maternal grandparents are still alive I'd speak to them and see if you can put pressure on them. Even if your dad is a prolific murderer you still deserve to know who he is and make your own call about what you do with that information. I genuinely wish you luck and closure x

Your mother sounds... not very nice really.

You are still pretty young - let me make a prediction here, as you get older, and continue with your own life and your own parenting, I suspect your relationship with your mother will begin to unravel. She likes her control, doesn't she?

You won't get straight answers out of her on this, and I'm sorry that you never got the chance to meet your father (though I too wonder whether he is actually passed away!!). I'd leave her out of your searches. In these days of social media and ancestry kits, you've a fairly good chance of getting somewhere with finding out about your paternal side.

One additional bit of advice. Don't let your mother take charge any more when it comes to your relationship, and especially with your own children. She sounds pretty controlling -whether that's partly because of a hard time she had or not, you don't have to accept it. Your life is your own. If she has the right to keep your father from you, you've the right in return to keep her at any distance you want from your life, your choices, your kids, if you feel she's overstepping. I have a feeling she will.

Every child has a right to know who their father is; if the father is alive then they can be better protected by being told the truth. Could they have lived together over the period of the 1991 census? That would give you the most info if so, try a big library. I'd also try DNA on ancestry, you have nothing to lose as you've nothing to go on otherwise.