AIBU or has DM been selfish to deny me any knowledge of my father?

[UmBankroll]

I’ll try to keep it concise but detailed so as to avoid any drip feeds.

I am in my mid-20s and I have never met my father, never seen a photo of him, never even been told his name. It isn’t on my birth certificate. As far as I’ve been told, he and DM were not married but were in a long-term cohabiting relationship when I was planned and conceived, until he cheated on DM when she was quite heavily pregnant and she kicked him out.

I am an only child, as is DM. DGPs (maternal obviously) say they met my father several times during the relationship but have been told by DM not to tell me anything about him. As far back as I can remember, whenever I would ask DM where my father was, she would reply “you don’t have one”.

Naturally as I grew older and more inquisitive I pressured DM a lot with questions about him but she would never reveal any information as to his identity. Then when I was 7 I recall her receiving a phone call, crying, and telling me that my father had died.

All these years, she and my DGPs have never let slip one iota of information about him. I’ve asked so many times whether the reason DM is so adamant that I know nothing about him is due to the fact that he is/was a terrible man, and she’s protecting me from him, but she and DGPs always insist that’s not the case. DM’s favourite reasoning is “He didn’t deserve to know his beautiful DD after how he betrayed me. He threw it all away and it was his loss.”

I can truly believe that this is her logic because I have seen a pattern over the years with her friendships that have broken down. Friendships with people who were my ‘godparents’ and whom I had known all my life. DM felt utterly betrayed by me for remaining in contact with them, even though her personal fallings-out with them had nothing to do with me.

I’m a happy person and I grew up feeling very much loved, but of course there’s always been a void and a curiosity that has never been satisfied due to knowing nothing about my father. And now that I have recently become a mother myself, I just simply can’t comprehend the idea of ever denying my child the right to know who their father is/was. Even if (god forbid) my DH did something terrible or hurt me tremendously, I can confidently say I would never deny our child the right to (at the very least) know the identity of his father. I believe it is a birth right, and since becoming a parent myself I have really found it difficult to stomach my DM’s decision to keep me in the dark.

My DH has tried to convince DM to at least give me a nugget of information about my father, and last year she did admit to DH that she thought she may still have a photo of him somewhere that she could ‘possibly unearth’, but it never emerged.

So AIBU to think my DM has been selfish in starving me of any information regarding my father for my whole life? Or should I accept/respect her decision and assume she’s doing it with my best interests at heart (as she sees it)? Is it a parent’s right to deny their child knowledge of their other parent?

My brother has a different father to me. His father was senior to my mum where she worked and was married . My mum had to leave when she became pregnant (1950s). My brother's father paid maintenance through an order but there was no contact. My brother was bullied at school for being a "bastard" and he never really got over the shame. He was a very distant person emotionally.
My brother decided many years later to take a DNA test and with that and some sketchy information we had he traced his father (deceased) My brother has older siblings who are elderly and did not want to meet but they were kind enough to send photos of his father. My brother found that , like Danny Dyer, he has distant royal relations. The change in him has been amazing since he found his sense of identity. Carry on with your search OP and good luck.

Hi ol - dont write him off too quick - you don’t actually know if he really tired to keep in touch by sending letters gifts etc just like your godmother but your mother might have intercepted them. Good luck with finding out who you father is OP. I wish you the beat of luck.

That's an awful thing for your mother to do to you as the reason she has given you applies to her own hurt and bitterness. I always said his lucky I was to have my father in my life, we were a happy family. Good luck with your search.

My gf was illegitimate but we were always told that he knew who his father was. I found out about his father by accident and it all checked out in Ancestry. Quite an unusual and interesting story- to me anyway.

If he has really passed away, what harm can it do to know? She may have decided that he didn't deserve to know you but now you are an adult, you have the right to make that decision for yourself. Surely she didnt think you would never have been curious?

Anyone else used Finder Monkey ?

Haven't read the full thread as on way out the door but just want to say do the ancestry DNA test. Dh was matched to very close relatives on it. Even if there's no close match now, it could show one up in the future.
Surely there must be someone other than your mum and gp's who knew him who could tell you some information. I wouldn't let it go, if only for medical information you have a right to know.

I know these feelings so well except my mother took her lies to such an extent with me that she married a man she met 10 months after I was born and then had my birth certificate updated to show him as my father!

I found out by accident when I was about 10 that he wasn't my biological father. I've heard so many stories I don't actually know what the truth is. So now I have a birth certificate, passport, marriage certificate all based on lies and I have no idea who my real dad is. It actually makes me so angry.

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.

I’ve been doing some searching on MyHeritage and have so far been unable to find my DM placed at her address around the time I was born, but I don’t think all years of electoral roll are available on there. I have however uncovered a stunning discovery about one of my DGPs - namely that they must’ve been adopted as they were born with a totally different name and in a totally different COUNTRY than where I’d always been told!!!! Just how many secrets are they hiding from me?!?!? I’m guessing it was swept under the carpet because it must’ve been taboo back in those days, but again it throws up a big question mark about medical history if nothing else.

Anyway, the DNA kit is on the way and I shall update you all in due course as to what I find out. I would imagine with this new revelation my results might be even more surprising than I had anticipated...

@Travis1 That’s shocking! I’m so sorry

That's awful op. But very interesting to find out !

So hard. If he is dead what can she gain from not telling you his name?
It is all power games.

I would do like the CIA and water-board your DM until she gives you a name lol

My mother in law did this with my husband. Although his parents split up when he was very small and he was later adopted by his step father. He does remember his father challenging the adoption - so imagine that the father did want to stay in touch, even though he never did

Then when he was in his early twenties his mother's second marriage broke up and she had two other young children - he saw how his mother cut all his attempts to see the kids (as adults they got back in touch) and blanked the entire side of the family, so he does suspect the same thing happened with his birth father
MIL refused to go to her children's weddings because they'd invited their father (well their father paid for the weddings)

Good luck with the search. If you're using Ancestry just be aware that they do sell on your DNA to 3rd parties.

"The company explains that it shares users' DNA data with non-profit, business or government "collaborators", some of whom pay for the information.

"There is a potential risk that third parties could identify you from research that is made publicly available," the company warns, adding there is also "a potential risk that the samples could be lost or taken while in transit or storage"."

They also hold on to your DNA until you ask them to delete it.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-41470581

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho
Same. These threads are uneasy reading. He also pulled a knife on me (amongst many other tricks) when I refused an abortion.

What the hell do I tell her? Put together a little box of things about him for her for when she's older but what do it tell her?? Obvs she will get his name and dob and last known address, but I fear he will just use her, he's never tk my knowledge had any relationship with any one out of love even his own mother

@Nofilter101 - saying nothing certainly doesn't protect her; you don't want her to find him through a DNA database and meet him knowing nothing about how dangerous he is. As a young child, she just needs to know that she doesn't have a father, but you love her very much. The hardest stage is when she gets a little older; you can tell her that you'll give her all the information about her father when she's older; whether you tell her that he's alive but isn't a good person or exactly how you phrase the first introduction of bad news will depend on how old she is and how well you think she'd handle it. When she's a young adult it should actually be easier, because you should just be honest. You could say for example: "Your father was charming when we first met, but he became abusive and violent; I think he is a very dangerous man and that is why I've kept you away from him. I'm sorry to tell you that he didn't want me to have you, but I already loved you and I'm so happy to have had the chance to be your mum. I have some information about him and his family for you, I'll answer any of your questions as well as I can and I'm happy to help you try to find out anything else you want. I'd prefer that you don't ever meet him because he can be manipulative as well as violent. Once you've learned everything, if you do ever decide to meet him anyway then I'll respect your decision, but I'd like you to take a friend with you who you can trust to keep you safe."

What the hell do I tell her?

The truth. Eventually, when she's older, if she asks. You can tell her that it may be painful for her to hear, and she might prefer to. But if someone asks you who their father was, you tell them.

It's hard, but it's the truth. And everyone deserves to know the truth if they want to. I know you want to protect your child, but you don't get to decide, after a certain age.

There was a recent death in my family and we found out that the person concerned had a father and other siblings still alive, although his mum had denied any knowledge. There had been no contact for 55 years but family were alive 5 miles away.
Can you find out where your mum was living with your father and see if there are any old neighbours still around. If all else fails I would try to employ an ex detective there are ways of tracking people down. It would be worth it for your peace of mind. I think the phone call regarding his death was so that you would give up asking questions. Why would your DM have been told and who would have told her.

OP apologies if this has been asked already but which type of birth certificate do you have and who gave it to you? If you only have the short version (in your possession) and your mother gave it to you there might be more to be gained from ordering a certificate for yourself.

I'm trying to remember re short and long versions of the birth certificate. My kids have got the long version but does the registrar include a free short version too?

@Nofilter101 From my perspective, as long as you answer any questions she may ask about him truthfully, then you are giving her what she deserves (and what is her right to know). As PPs suggested, prepare her that it isn’t going to be the most pleasant thing to hear, and warn her about his tendencies. She may never have any desire to actually connect with him, but at least she will know details about him so that the identity of her father won’t be a complete mystery.

@Thighofrelief101 I have both long and short versions of my birth certificate and in both cases the ‘Father’ section is left blank.

You definitely have a right to know about your father OP. Incredibly selfish to keep details secret from you. I didn't know what my dad looked like until his brother's wife contacted me through Genes Reunited and e-mailed me some old photos. I was in my 50's. I am now on Ancestry UK and have taken the DNA test. I have found out a lot of interesting things but I still don't know what colour eyes my dad had. I am 66 and will never know now. The photos were black and white. It's natural to want to know details.

@UmBankroll - YADNBU.

My late MIL did the same thing to my DH. She had no right. She also did the stringing him along thing that your mother is doing re: the (supposed) photo in your case - which was (fictional) letters from a friend of his bio father, in my DH's case.

Our story had a happy ending via Ancestry DNA. We found a DNA match that was a second cousin level relationship to DH, and several months of detective work, tracing back through their family tree, and others who were more distant matches, and tracking down the common shared ancestors, resulted in me working out who his biological father had to be! He's not only still alive - he and his whole family are desperate to make up for lost time.

MIL had lied to DH that his father never knew about him. Turns out they had a brief fling but she had been planning to get pregnant as she wanted a baby to raise by herself (according to a letter we found after she died, that she had sent to her sister, during her pregnancy.) She basically used DH's dad (who was much younger than her) as a sperm donor.

What we didn't know until we contacted him was that he'd actually bumped into her, after she'd dumped him, and he saw she was heavily pregnant. He had said he wanted to be a part of the baby's life but she told him it wasn't his child. He didn't really believe her but what could he do?

He then heard, from a mutual friend, when DH was a toddler, that he apparently looked a lot like him. He tried to find her/them, then, but by then MIL had moved back to the UK with baby DH...

New FIL had been so convinced that he was DH's dad that he'd not only told his wife about the likelihood of a son turning up someday - he even warned his 3 kids, once the youngest had turned 16. They were all over the moon when we eventually found them. (Shame that he hadn't thought to stick his DNA on Ancestry too, though, and saved me months of searching!!)

I hope you can find the answers you need. It's so important to fill in the missing piece, even if he has passed away, or he knew about you but didn't attempt to contact you.

DH never dared hope for such a positive outcome to his search. He just wanted to know the missing half of his history/genetics and was expecting that if he found out that it was a person who was still alive, he'd have to convince them that he was their son. He really did not expect them say "I know I'm your dad, and this is how I know" and for his dad, new step-mum and 3 new siblings to all be so ecstatic about it.