AIBU or has DM been selfish to deny me any knowledge of my father?

[UmBankroll]

I’ll try to keep it concise but detailed so as to avoid any drip feeds.

I am in my mid-20s and I have never met my father, never seen a photo of him, never even been told his name. It isn’t on my birth certificate. As far as I’ve been told, he and DM were not married but were in a long-term cohabiting relationship when I was planned and conceived, until he cheated on DM when she was quite heavily pregnant and she kicked him out.

I am an only child, as is DM. DGPs (maternal obviously) say they met my father several times during the relationship but have been told by DM not to tell me anything about him. As far back as I can remember, whenever I would ask DM where my father was, she would reply “you don’t have one”.

Naturally as I grew older and more inquisitive I pressured DM a lot with questions about him but she would never reveal any information as to his identity. Then when I was 7 I recall her receiving a phone call, crying, and telling me that my father had died.

All these years, she and my DGPs have never let slip one iota of information about him. I’ve asked so many times whether the reason DM is so adamant that I know nothing about him is due to the fact that he is/was a terrible man, and she’s protecting me from him, but she and DGPs always insist that’s not the case. DM’s favourite reasoning is “He didn’t deserve to know his beautiful DD after how he betrayed me. He threw it all away and it was his loss.”

I can truly believe that this is her logic because I have seen a pattern over the years with her friendships that have broken down. Friendships with people who were my ‘godparents’ and whom I had known all my life. DM felt utterly betrayed by me for remaining in contact with them, even though her personal fallings-out with them had nothing to do with me.

I’m a happy person and I grew up feeling very much loved, but of course there’s always been a void and a curiosity that has never been satisfied due to knowing nothing about my father. And now that I have recently become a mother myself, I just simply can’t comprehend the idea of ever denying my child the right to know who their father is/was. Even if (god forbid) my DH did something terrible or hurt me tremendously, I can confidently say I would never deny our child the right to (at the very least) know the identity of his father. I believe it is a birth right, and since becoming a parent myself I have really found it difficult to stomach my DM’s decision to keep me in the dark.

My DH has tried to convince DM to at least give me a nugget of information about my father, and last year she did admit to DH that she thought she may still have a photo of him somewhere that she could ‘possibly unearth’, but it never emerged.

So AIBU to think my DM has been selfish in starving me of any information regarding my father for my whole life? Or should I accept/respect her decision and assume she’s doing it with my best interests at heart (as she sees it)? Is it a parent’s right to deny their child knowledge of their other parent?

Oh you are most definitely not being unreasonable. I have never understood how a mother could do that to a child or believe in any way they have a right to keep a child and their father apart.

Even if he has passed as she says, you still could have DGP alive, step siblings, uncles or aunties that you should have the right to know about.

Would you DM friend of 20years know anything?

And surely even if he is a mass murderer. You are an adult now and can decide yourself that you don't want to get involved with him.

I would definitely be on the ancestry site, my aunt has found loads of interesting relatives ( distant cousins not direct members ) so more people are using it now, it could even throw up a distant relative who could just shine a bit more Information on it for you.

I have a relative who doesn't know their father, their mother said he was dead and they have a step father they call dad, but I'm sure they would still like to know that are just worried about upsetting their DM if they pursue it.

I would definitely be armchair detective to find out.

I'm so sorry my love, but speaking from experience unless you get her to see your view she'll never tell you.
It's so wrong, everybody has the right to know where they came from.
Your only other chance is a shot in the dark DNA test and register it with ancestry or the other one.
I was told very little chance, but you may find other relatives that do know who your Dad is.
I live in hope too, my love.

If you ever need an ear, OP you can pm me. I do understand and nobody really sees the void, how can they unless they experience it.

Is there any way you can track down your god mother? If she was close enough to your mum to be asked to be your god mother, maybe she has some info about your dad?

I know someone who this happened to. His DM refused to tell him who his dad was after a DNA test revealed it wasn't her DH at the time.

She refused until he told her he wouldn't speak to her for the rest of his life if she didn't tell him.

She finally told him due to pressure from her other kids. Once she revealed who he was, it was clear why she wanted to go to her grave with it...
But at least he knew who his dad was.

Its very selfish of her. Did your dad die of something that could affect you ? Something hereditary?

Thanks all for the good advice, and reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable.

@RomanyQueen1 hugs

@WatchingFromTheWings the most I ever got out of my godmother on the subject was “he was a nice guy, pity you never got the chance to meet him” followed by explanations that DM had sworn her to secrecy and she wouldn’t betray her trust. I highly doubt she would’ve made that comment if he had been a hardened criminal.

@UmBankroll the problem with your situation is there are so many scenarios and it sounds like your DM has form for other things.

If it were me, I would be wondering why my DM still wouldn't tell me years after he'd died. She could be worried you'll find another family and become close with them or there's something more sinister.

I don't know, you don't know and that's the problem.

Is there anyone from years back that could tell you or do you think if you put a bit of pressure on any of your family members might tell you? It was really unfair of her to tell them not to tell you

I've never known anyone to try and cover up who the father is this much.

I'm sorry, I've not got any advice on what you can do. I've not been married and others will know better however can you try and search for a marriage certificate with just her name?

Ignore the I don't know, I meant you don't know and forgot to delete it - it's got absolutely nothing to do with me!

I can understand keeping a child protected from an arsehole of a father but, yes, if an adult child of the man wants closure, they should be told who their father is, if it's a known fact, so they can rationalise or refute, at the very least.

My father moved abroad when I was a toddler and first time I met him was in my late teens. I've met again in the flesh once more after that. He contacts me once a year near my birthday. I never call him dad or use his name. The point being that I am glad that I at least know my father is.

What your mother has done and continues to do is heartless.

I also can't understand that despite your mum ending the friendship that your godmother is still loyal to her and keeping the secret. Why?

As for your parents, they know your mother's

@notapizzaeater I’ve been told it was cancer but I don’t know which type.

@WhenISnappedandFarted They were never married so a marriage certificate search wouldn’t be of any use unfortunately, and DGPs have never been very forthcoming about...well, anything really! In fact they both guarded personal secrets about themselves for decades so they’re pretty good at hiding things too. Wow what a healthy family picture I’m painting

I put a great deal of physical distance between DM and I as soon as I was old enough to move out, and I have my DH and his family and our LO now too, so I doubt she’s keeping schtum for this long so as not to lose me to another family... because she kind of already has.

It’s probably a useless suggestion but If they lived together, and you know where is it possible to look up old records of the address to find his name? Maybe electoral records

If they were living together, I assume they will both be on past electoral roll records at the same address. It won't work if your mum's name is something like Sue Smith but finding your mum's records and working back might give you something. You could try looking up your DMs address when you were a baby.

Posted too soon!

Your grandparents are obviously scared that if they tell disobey your mum and tell you who your father is, your mum will cut them out of her life.

I know you love your mum but this is not a nice way to behave to anyone let alone you.

You should ask your grandparents again, if they are still around, promising not to let your mum know. Or just play your mum at her own game and tell her she can stay out of your child's lfe until she spills the beans.

I work with parents and I see over and over again the children being effectively "punished" for the choices adults make or them being caught in the fall out of adults being angry with or about each other.

It's horrible to see and it's always so sad.

It's not normally as blatant as this.

@Notanotheruser111 and @AmphetamineGazelle that’s a great idea, thanks, I actually hadn’t thought of that and I do know the address they lived at together. Just had a quick online search of the electoral roll and I could only find DM’s records for 2002-2006, after which I presume she opted out of the open register. I’ll have to do some more digging back to the 90s but it’s a good route to pursue, thank you.

It could be she hasn’t been truthful with you, and she doesn’t know who your father is.

I would try the DNA test first, if nothing comes of that look at hiring an investigator, they might be able to find something. Good luck.

She is being incredibly cruel.

I would speak to her once more & say that while she thought HE didnt deserve to be in your life, you are now an adult and want to know about him. Tell her she has this one opportunity to tell you his name, his DOB and anything else you want to know before you cut contact with her & start posting it all over social media to find out for yourself.

Let her stew on that & decide which is the lesser evil.

It sounds like he was a nice/ordinary bloke, not some serial killer, but even if he was, you’re an adult now, not a child. It’s your right to know as much as she knows about your father.

Good luck.

I've known people like your mother and though I understand their hurt, I totally disagree with them. The mother of a friend of my dd objected to the father visiting their dying son. Grrrr.

If they lived together, maybe you could find something on an old electoral roll (do they keep those things?).

Umbankroll - I’m in exactly the same situation - father not mentioned ever, not on birth certificate, never seen a photo, I know nothing about him, not even his name. I don’t know whether he’s dead or alive or even knows that I exist. I have no idea if DM was in a relationship with him when I was conceived. I think I’ve almost accepted that my DM will never tell me, though I have thought about doing a DNA test. Good luck with your search - I don’t think I could even start looking for him as I know so little. My SD didn’t come on to the scene until I was 5 so I’ve always known that he wasn’t my biological father, but that’s all I know.

I cannot imagine a mother holding information about their child's father. It's so cruel. And so natural for you want to know a name and face at the least.
Is it possible to recontact your godmother, making another plea to her. Explain as you are now a parent the need to know has become greater ?
I really hope you are able to get the information you need- and deserve

I would threaten my mother and granparents with cutting off contact with them until they told me who my father was. And then do so if they still refused to.

EVERYONE has a right to know where they come from. It's a basic human right. Your relatives are behaving abominably.

Look
Your relationship with your mum is one thing
You can find out who dad is with a dna test
There are facebook group like dna detectives that will help you.
Stop asking your mum for any information.
Mum lie in this situation all the time .
You need to get dna ancestry is very good one.
Just buy a test it is on offer at moment