AIBU or has DM been selfish to deny me any knowledge of my father?

[UmBankroll]

I’ll try to keep it concise but detailed so as to avoid any drip feeds.

I am in my mid-20s and I have never met my father, never seen a photo of him, never even been told his name. It isn’t on my birth certificate. As far as I’ve been told, he and DM were not married but were in a long-term cohabiting relationship when I was planned and conceived, until he cheated on DM when she was quite heavily pregnant and she kicked him out.

I am an only child, as is DM. DGPs (maternal obviously) say they met my father several times during the relationship but have been told by DM not to tell me anything about him. As far back as I can remember, whenever I would ask DM where my father was, she would reply “you don’t have one”.

Naturally as I grew older and more inquisitive I pressured DM a lot with questions about him but she would never reveal any information as to his identity. Then when I was 7 I recall her receiving a phone call, crying, and telling me that my father had died.

All these years, she and my DGPs have never let slip one iota of information about him. I’ve asked so many times whether the reason DM is so adamant that I know nothing about him is due to the fact that he is/was a terrible man, and she’s protecting me from him, but she and DGPs always insist that’s not the case. DM’s favourite reasoning is “He didn’t deserve to know his beautiful DD after how he betrayed me. He threw it all away and it was his loss.”

I can truly believe that this is her logic because I have seen a pattern over the years with her friendships that have broken down. Friendships with people who were my ‘godparents’ and whom I had known all my life. DM felt utterly betrayed by me for remaining in contact with them, even though her personal fallings-out with them had nothing to do with me.

I’m a happy person and I grew up feeling very much loved, but of course there’s always been a void and a curiosity that has never been satisfied due to knowing nothing about my father. And now that I have recently become a mother myself, I just simply can’t comprehend the idea of ever denying my child the right to know who their father is/was. Even if (god forbid) my DH did something terrible or hurt me tremendously, I can confidently say I would never deny our child the right to (at the very least) know the identity of his father. I believe it is a birth right, and since becoming a parent myself I have really found it difficult to stomach my DM’s decision to keep me in the dark.

My DH has tried to convince DM to at least give me a nugget of information about my father, and last year she did admit to DH that she thought she may still have a photo of him somewhere that she could ‘possibly unearth’, but it never emerged.

So AIBU to think my DM has been selfish in starving me of any information regarding my father for my whole life? Or should I accept/respect her decision and assume she’s doing it with my best interests at heart (as she sees it)? Is it a parent’s right to deny their child knowledge of their other parent?

If it's like my friend who was severely abused,beaten and raped by her partner,an her child was conceived during the rapes then she is not BU.

Tbh I still think that's unreasonable to withhold, OP is an adult and has a right to information about her father. If he was an abusive rapist, I'd still want to know.

Seriously I'd tell her to go fuck herself I'd be so angry at the secrecy

She is punishing you so bitter and eaten with jealousy she is. It's cruel and vicious.

I also have a similar DM. She is so vindictive she still to this day astounds me what she's capable of.

I suspect he is not dead, and the tears were because she had heard he had remarried/had another baby/moved on in some other way. If he was really dead, there would be no reason to continue with the secrecy.

My DM is a little like yours (in terms of the black and white cutting out of people she falls out with), and in her case it is not narcissism, it’s more like BPD. She feels insecure and needs us to prove we will always be on “her side” regardless of how unreasonably she behaves. It’s fear-driven.

DNA on line searching is a good idea. My dd did this just for fun and has found second cousins world wide and nearby. The people could provide family history that is not on line and which could lead to details of your father.

Also I would definitely consider a private investigator. No hesitation.

If it was me, I'd tell mum that this is something you have to do for your own wellbeing. You and your dc are being deprived of possible family connections.Tell her what you plan and that it would be easier all round of she would cooperate. But that one way or another you will be proactive in looking for hiim, paternal grandparents, and extended family.

I'd definitely do the DNA on line search and the private investigator.

Yanbu. I was similar - never knew i had a biological dad until after he'd died, but at least my mum has been willing to tell me about him and ive seen pics, met relatives etc!

With the information given in your post it shouldn’t be difficult to find a name for your father, if this is something you want to do then dm me and I can certainly give you pointers to do this DIY

Yanbu. You have a right to know, it's important in case you or any children you have inherited a genetic disease. You could also have half siblings or aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents who may enrich your life.

I would talk to your mum again and say you're not prepared to not know anymore so you need his name at least. Say if she doesn't tell you you'll find out anyway but it will just be much more expensive and public.

I agree with a pp that if you put a post with as much detail as you can out there with names and dates someone of that generation will know.

If she won't I would ask grandparents / godparents again, you don't have to tell your mum where you got the info from.

Tbh I couldn't forgive my mum if she wouldn't give me this info, he's long gone so he can't hurt her or you, your not a child anymore and it's your decision. I would also struggle with the god/grandparents decision not to tell you, as I believe your right to know overrides their loyalty to your mum in not telling you.

Good luck I'd really like to know if you end up finding out

Yanbu, your mother is bvvu especially given her form for cutting people off.
I would speak to your grandparents and then try an ancestry dna test.

You have every right to know who your dad is. Good luck with your search.

If you're in touch with the godmother, and she's also been treated this way by your Mum, I'd work on her. She surely will see your point when you indicate that your mum had no right to cut you off from your father just because their relationship broke down.

I'd also do the Ancestry DNA test, because if she's lying and he's not died, you could be wasting time. And you could well have siblings you aren't knowing, too. Grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Your mother had no right to do this to you. It's very wrong. Children aren't an extension of ourselves, nor our property. You had the right to your own relationship with your father, and he with you.

Also agree that the electoral roll is a good suggestion.

She is being very unreasonable.
It doesn't matter if he did something bad, the op is an adult and can choose whether she wants this knowledge.

I would take matters into my own hands and register with Ancestry DNA (you can often be matched with cousins and then trace to your father and siblings) and any other avenues.

I would also tell your mother, grandparents and anyone else keeping this information from you that their withholding is damaging your relationship with them.

Another who believes he's not dead.

Can you find any old housing records? If they lived together long term it could help? I'd ask some of her ex friends she knew then. Doesn't your god mother know? They wouldn't need to feel loyal.

Your mum is being horribly unfair.

I think your mother has been unfair on you and should share info on your father. I do think, however, if your father was actually a man worth recognising as a father, he would have move heaven and earth to visit you and shared raising you. Perhaps your mother did obstruct some feeble attempts - which is unacceptable- but he could have pursued contact through the courts if she refused him directly.....so he really couldn’t have been much of a father in the first place!

Can you revive contact with your godmother?

As the mother of a child who’s dad left before she was born... I can honestly say your mum is behaving appallingly and selfishly.

Does my DD’s dad deserve to have her in his lids? No I don’t think he does. BUT I have never shut the door and DD (8yo) knows everything about him that I am able to tell her. It is no secret and she even knows about a half sibling I’m aware he’s gone on to have with his new wife.

Here is what I would do...

1. Write your mum a letter explaining how damaging it is to you psychologically to not know any details of your father. You need medical history etc for yourself and your child, especially if he died from cancer as suspected

1. If she refuses then calmly let her know that you are going to do a public appeal to find him, and seeing as you only have your mother’s details to go off then her name, address and past history with your father will have to be revealed publicly in order to be able to trace him. If she’s not happy with that then she needs to tell you herself.

1. Do an ancestry DNA trace

1. Do an appeal on Facebook, local newspaper, wrote to take-a-break style magazines, email morning tv shows to see if they are willing to help.

You do not have to accept not knowing anything.

@UmBankroll Your DM has been VU.

But this is something I worry about constantly. My DS is 3. ExH abusive, narcissist control freak. Last saw DS when he was 7 weeks old, because he realised he couldn’t use DS as further means to control me (we’d already split during pregnancy). Therefore he lost all interest in DS.

I mean, wtf am I meant to tell DS when he’s older? There’s no scenario in which he’s not deeply hurt.

I’d suggest doing the Ancestry tests. I think your grandparents are VU too for not giving you his name, they must at least know that having met him several times.

Absolutely you are not being unreasonable. Your DM is definitely BU

However do you want to find out? really?

If so there are many investigative techniques you could use, if doing it yourself, you just need to find old address records, start online and work back. Do you know where you lived at birth? Go and knock on doors, old neighbours etc, you need to find someone who remembers them from wayback - pleanty of people stay in the same houses and stay in touch with old neighbours!

Take a DNA test - there are about 3 different ones

go back to your godmother - she may not feel any loyalty to your dm anymore!

Social media, public post in area you were born in

Employ a PI, we did and it too £80 and about 10 minutes for them to find a current address of someone whose name we knew but location we didn't! I realise cost would be more as you need to find the name first...

Speak to your DM properly, in terms of "I am about to do this (all the above) but you may wish to tell me willingly" - she may cut YOU off at this point!

I think he would be pretty easy to find if you get past the "mum won't tell me" bit. You don't need her permission - it'll make it a bit harder, but if they lived together you have a high chance of finding him.

One word of caution you may find her story is incorrect - so you may find the man she lived with but he turns out not to be your father, or other things so prepare yourself for a search with highs and lows!

She's BU but I understand why, he obviously didn't want a relationship with you because by the time you were born fathers could go to court to seek access relatively easily (much harder in the 70's and earlier). Perhaps you could write to your mother and grandparents saying that you wish to know his name and a few details to help understand how you came to be, you also may have half siblings (though not as likely if he died young).

But wouldn't your godmother know of him? Anyone else who knew your mum before you were born but no longer friends who would break confidence?

Could she be protecting you from something bad?

Why not try "Long Lost Families?" I know your dm said he's dead, but is it true?

Your godmother is the one to approach.
She knows how difficult your mother can be. She was cut off for years by your mother.
Surely you can appeal to her, she knows who he is and you're back in touch with her. Tell her it's because you have a little one of your own you absolutely need to know for fear of any genetic difficulties, or indeed, later in life your little one getting involved romantically with a potential very close relative.
You can promise never to reveal your source and if you do find out, tell your Mum it was through Internet/ Facebook searches.

YANBU OP

Firstly I’m so sorry that your mum is doing this, like a previous poster has said if he’s died now then what is she gaining from holding this information back? I think it’s so cruel to you and like you say in her holding a grudge on him it is punishing you and that is not fair.
You have every right to know who your father is and I would definitely start my own investigating to find out. You could tell your mum that you are contacting long lost family or similar to see if it gives her a kick up the bum to divulge a bit of information to you.

Not the same but when I was a child I found out I had a half sister (she contacted my dad completely out of the blue) her mum had been with my dad but as soon as she fell pregnant my dads work was done and she dumped and cut contact with him, god knows how my half sister managed to contact my dad but she did. My mum got awfully jealous of me or my dad forming a relationship and it caused massive rows between my parents and I remember resenting my mum so much for trying to stop me having a sister (I had always wanted one) so instead me and dad would contact her from phone boxes in secret.
You have every right to know all you can about your dad, the cheating was done before you were even born and you are the innocent one in all this. I’m betting your mum wanted you on her side and you were the only thing that she could use to hurt him.

Start your hunting and wishing you the best of luck xx

YANBU

My mum has withheld the information on my father including not including on my birth certificate.

She would “tease” me with nuggets about him eg his profession etc but nothing else. I stopped asking for any information because I’m sure she derived pleasure from the fucking drama.

I think it’s incredibly disrespectful at best, manipulative at worst.