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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say don’t bother to mil.

56 replies

TheFunkyFox · 23/03/2019 21:55

I’m at the end of my tether with her. She was a rubbish mum to dp and his siblings and she seems to be an even worse nanny.

Dd is 2, and she absolutely adore nanny (when she sees her probably once a month). Mil lives in the same small town but we aren’t welcome at hers and she rarely comes to ours.

When she does come to ours she turns up unexpected knocking on our living room window. She then sits there for an hour after helping herself to food on her phone. She completely ignores Dd. Dd will try and have conversations with her and mil doesn’t show any interest. It breaks my heart.

Today me,dp & Dd when for a mooch round town and wanted to go for lunch. Mil rings and demands to know where we were because she had turned up and wanted to buy us fish and chips. We said we were out and she would have to come back later. She went mad and put the phone down.

Feeling guilty we rang and invited her for lunch on us. The min she turned up she had a face on, moaned about the food and completely ignored Dd.

Dd drew a rainbow and for a good min kept saying “nanny look, nanny rainbow!”

I even kept saying “she’s showing you her drawing” but she kept looking at the menu.

She never said thanks either and only ate half.

Talking to SIL today she told us that MIL constantly tells her our business that isn’t even a secret but to try and “get a reaction” from sil.

I’m sick of it. My heart breaks for Dd. She has no other grandparents 😩😩😩

Mil is 50. She acts 85.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 23/03/2019 22:01

Wow. What does DP think? This would have me furious.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 23/03/2019 22:06

He doesn’t really have a bond with her at all.

She took her Dc aged 9 to meet ina man in the USA they she met offline while she was married to their dad.. that’s the sort of mother she was/is 🙈

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 23/03/2019 22:20

I can't help wondering why you subject your daughter to this behaviour from your MIL. You say she was a shit parent, and obviously she's a shit GM. You can't make her a better GM but you can't stop subjecting your DD to someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck about her and behaves abysmally. Your little girl must be so upset when she's ignored by her nanny. Children do not need bad grandparents.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 23/03/2019 22:24

I know, I’m going to stop it. I think after losing my mum I just hope she will change but she doesn’t. She’s never done anything with her. 😔

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 23/03/2019 22:27

Tell her straight. If she can't be bothered to interact with her grandchild do not bother coming. And as your not welcome at her house she is only welcome when she gives notice of her intent to visit or asks politely. If she does not like your terms she knows where the door is. It isn't like it will be much of a loss if shes a poor nan anyway. Thought mine was bad as a child when all adults sat talking in kitchen leaving all us cousins (9) in living room. We had to be quiet etc but at least she popped her head in to offer drinks etc and did spend time with us when she visited our homes.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 18:53

So me and sil called her out on it today. She hasn’t met her grandson yet, he’s 6 months and lives 2 hours away. Her reason is she can’t afford the train, or doesn’t want to drive that far. Also, she claims she works every weekend and doesn’t get any time off (in the 6months..)

This weekend she posted on Facebook new £100 shoes and her and her boyfriend had been to the zoo which is 60 mins away from sil house.

We questioned her and she said her bf surprised her and that the zoo was a long time coming.. (but seeing her grandson isn’t..)

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 24/03/2019 19:11

How sad for your lovely DD. I would probably go NC. You will save your child a lot of heartache and stop the cruel rejection. And I would see if there is any organisation that perhaps facilitates some friendship with someone from an older generation. I've seen this in Europe, it is called something like adopt a Grandma. Nowadays, not everyone has family, so this is a lovely way for both parties to have something akin to chosen family. Someone that would cherish and actually take an interest in your DD. I just googled and found this link www.adopt-a-grandma.co.uk/ Perhaps there is something similar near you?

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 19:16

Thank you!! I’m going to look at that. We go to church most weeks and the old ladies absolutely love her, it breaks my heart that she doesn’t have that nanny bond 😩

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 24/03/2019 19:18

Imo you give too much status to a non relationship. You dd can't possibly adore such a standoffish relative..
Give your dd a new focus. A pet? A new friend? Back away. It will do you all good.

Drum2018 · 24/03/2019 19:27

Next time she knocks on the window just open the window and ask what she wants. Tell her you are busy and that it doesn't suit for her to visit now. She sounds like a right cow. Treat her like she treats dd - ignore her! Do not try to force a relationship that will never materialise between her and dd. Any gp who can't be arsed to see their new grandson in 6 months doesn't get to pick and choose when they dip into their gc's lives. Your dd won't miss out. Plenty of us grew up without grandparents in our lives. You can't miss what you never had.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 22:37

Iv told her she’s not welcome anymore. It’s all kicked off tonight over the weekend thing. She’s again turned it on herself to my SIL and has constantly slagged me off in texts. Apparently I can shove “any help” (😂😂😂) up my arse with Dd. (She’s never once helped!). So Iv told her she’s not welcome, that we have done so much for her, welcomed her, invited her out and she’s thrown it completely in our faces. That I’m angry that she dares bring my name into it and so it dh. It will massively back lash on us but I don’t care.
She’s is hugely narcissistic and after having the longest conversation with Sil that Iv ever had I can not believe the things she’s done to them. Why on god earth have I allowed her into our lives and try and constantly stick up for her I don’t know.

I’m heart broken for DD but she has us, we are off to sil in two weeks (lives 3 hours away) and going to make more of an effort with them.

I just wish dh wasn’t on night so I could give him a hug. 😔

OP posts:
TheYoungOffendersMum · 24/03/2019 22:41

Definitely better off without.

Trying to force a relationship when it isn't and never will actually BE that relationship, is pointless.

Well done for calling her out on it.

Singlenotsingle · 24/03/2019 22:44

It's good that you and SIL are friends and have each other's backs.

Smelborp · 24/03/2019 22:45

I wonder if you can adopt a nanny from church? If there are women there who adore your DD, you could make a stronger friendship with one (or more) of them, particularly if they know you don’t have family you can turn to in that role.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 22:58

Now she’s been messaging me telling me “fine you’ve made your choice” and how dare I say she shows no interest (that’s all she brings up) and how she’s so stressed and depressed etc.

She’s now made me feel so guilty!!

OP posts:
BrioLover · 24/03/2019 23:02

Don't let her get to you. Beware: she will have a sudden onset illness/hospitalisation/extreme anxiety next to try to get you all to come running.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 23:10

Oh god you’re right. She’s now telling me there’s been times she thought about milking herself
Lately...

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 24/03/2019 23:11

What?

cattaxi · 24/03/2019 23:15

She does sound like a right cow op, but milking herself might take that a bit far 😂

In all seriousness, ignore, ignore, ignore. You have tried. She won’t change. Don’t subject your dd to the constant disappointments.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 23:16

Killing herself not milking ffs 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/03/2019 23:20

Tell her she needs to go to her doctor and tell them how she's feeling or you'll have to report her as a risk.

She's not being serious. If she was, why tell you now? and from my experience people who are being serious about killing themselves, don't tell people and if they do they're in a mess and begging for help, which it doesn't sound like she is.

She's attention seeking and trying to make you feel bad.

Knittedfairies · 24/03/2019 23:20

Well, someone did say she was a cow...

Jaxinthebox · 24/03/2019 23:25

dont engage with her on her thoughts - just give her samaritans number. She wants attention.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 23:31

Told her I’d take her doctors, again ignored my message and kept saying how amazing her bf is and how she’s in a dark place. Funny that when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder she didn’t give a shit 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 24/03/2019 23:36

It's all manipulation. I'd bet my next holiday that there is more chance of her milking herself than killing herself.

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