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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say don’t bother to mil.

56 replies

TheFunkyFox · 23/03/2019 21:55

I’m at the end of my tether with her. She was a rubbish mum to dp and his siblings and she seems to be an even worse nanny.

Dd is 2, and she absolutely adore nanny (when she sees her probably once a month). Mil lives in the same small town but we aren’t welcome at hers and she rarely comes to ours.

When she does come to ours she turns up unexpected knocking on our living room window. She then sits there for an hour after helping herself to food on her phone. She completely ignores Dd. Dd will try and have conversations with her and mil doesn’t show any interest. It breaks my heart.

Today me,dp & Dd when for a mooch round town and wanted to go for lunch. Mil rings and demands to know where we were because she had turned up and wanted to buy us fish and chips. We said we were out and she would have to come back later. She went mad and put the phone down.

Feeling guilty we rang and invited her for lunch on us. The min she turned up she had a face on, moaned about the food and completely ignored Dd.

Dd drew a rainbow and for a good min kept saying “nanny look, nanny rainbow!”

I even kept saying “she’s showing you her drawing” but she kept looking at the menu.

She never said thanks either and only ate half.

Talking to SIL today she told us that MIL constantly tells her our business that isn’t even a secret but to try and “get a reaction” from sil.

I’m sick of it. My heart breaks for Dd. She has no other grandparents 😩😩😩

Mil is 50. She acts 85.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 24/03/2019 23:38

Oh 1000%,

After talking to sil today I can’t believe the stuff she’s done to them as children. I could cry. I can believe the lies she’s drilled into dh saying none of his family love him only she does. Up until last year he still believed it

OP posts:
TeaForDad · 24/03/2019 23:40

Assuming DP is on board (his mum after all) I'd block, nc.

Life's too short for this bollocks

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 25/03/2019 00:04

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AwakeNow · 25/03/2019 00:08

TheFunkyFox, She sounds horrible. I never had any grandparents, my grandmothers died before I was born, my grandfather's when I was tiny. I never missed it. Never even thought about it. You cannot mold your mil to a caring loving person, she doesn't have those qualities in her.

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 25/03/2019 06:04

Growing old is not a crime?

Ermmm... 🤨

OP posts:
Worried2019 · 25/03/2019 07:03

@HopeIsNotAStrategy What on earth are you talking about?! Are you quite alright?! Can you not read properly?

Worried2019 · 25/03/2019 07:04

@TheFunkyFox Ignore the "Growing old" comment OP. They clearly have not read your OP properly!! 🤣

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 25/03/2019 07:10

It’s crazy 😂

I’m so annoyed that I stayed up until midnight being made to feel guilty when Dd woke up at 4 😂😩

OP posts:
HJWT · 25/03/2019 07:11

@TheFunkyFox cut her out of your life you WILL NOT regret it, my MIL is the exact same treated her children like crap to the point DH and SIL moved out at 16!! And like you say she is an even worse nan 😪 tells everyone how amazing her grandchildren are and how shes the best nanny but never bothered with them they always get something for birthday & Christmas that was on sale and that they don't even like 🙄 when she expected us to drive 5 hours in the middle of the night with DD to pick her up and we said no she started on me so DH told her to go fu*k herself, we haven't spoke to her in a year and its been absolutely BLISS!!!

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 25/03/2019 07:17

That’s exactly what she’s like. She couldn’t tell you a single thing that Dd is into. It’s so frustrating 😩

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 25/03/2019 07:18

Now 50 is ‘old’, huh? When the life expectancy is 82 for women? We’ll obviously have to come up with some new words to cover those several intervening decades...

OP, let go of the drama. Don’t engage with her. That means not answering call/texts/drop bys. Deal with the grief re your dead hopes and dreams separately. Just turn your attention elsewhere, get on with your busy, loving life. Choose to leave her to her own devices. You can find the strong ‘tribe’ connections you’re looking for, but not from her. Once you look around, those people will be obvious. Break away from this pointless exercise and in a couple of years you’ll be in a much better place.

Skittlesandbeer · 25/03/2019 07:19

As my friend said about my DM: she’s really only interested in the ‘grand’ part of ‘grandparenting!!!

PregnantSea · 25/03/2019 07:26

Your MIL is an absolute dickhead. Stay away from her as much as possible. You and your family are gaining nothing from this and you don't owe her anything.

Next time she comes and knocks on the window just open it and very crossly say "what?". If she wants to come in say "no thank you, I'm busy" and then close the curtains. She'll eventually get the message.

NaturalBornWoman · 25/03/2019 07:43

Given you've said she was a terrible mother, you're expectations of her as a GM are unrealistic and somewhat romanticised. Lots of children have no grandparents. It's for your DH to deal with his feelings about her parenting in whatever way is appropriate, counselling or whatever, and actually as long as he is doing this and not bringing the aftermath into your relationship it's really not your concern. You need to cut out all the unhealthy drama and upset by setting realistic boundaries around a relationship with her which works for you and your family. Presumably you knew his background when you decided to make him the father of your children too, so now you just need to do your best to be better parents. Warring and angst with his family won't help with that.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 25/03/2019 07:56

knocking at the window ? i'd make sure she saw me close the curtains tbh.
''going to kill yourself mil ? okay then '', and disengage, she's only trying to guilt you as she sees you as a weak link, drop contact life is so much better without this rubbish in it,

nettie434 · 25/03/2019 08:11

The positive about this is that it could be the start of a closer relationship with your SIL. Even if your daughter doesn’t have supportive grandparents, she can get to know her aunt and cousin (and uncle, without wanting to assume SIL is married).

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 25/03/2019 08:12

Thank you. Today is definitely the start of going no contact. I can’t believe how blinded Iv been by her. Dd won’t care tbh, she can go months without seeing her. The little ladies at church see her more. I’m going to try and form more relationships there, we go a lot and they are all so welcoming etc.

I feel like a weight has been lifted already!

OP posts:
theresafoxunderthedecking · 25/03/2019 08:13

good for you funky Flowers

Margot33 · 25/03/2019 08:18

You can't make people care about your child unfortunately. My mil was the best and loved spending time with my child. When she died we realised that my fil was an arse. He ignores the children and won't let us in when we knock on his door. Four years later of bad behaviour he now wonders why we dont visit him anymore and why the children go straight upstairs when ever he visits (to moan). It's truly your mils loss. At least you daughter has you both.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 25/03/2019 08:31

Sounds like a good plan to work on the relationship with the church ladies. Maybe you could start a coffee morning/ toddler group where the two age groups meet, a bit like the TV show where nursery children go to a residential home.

Janedoughnut · 25/03/2019 13:11

I think the ageism a previous poster mentioned was the comment about her being 50 but acting like she 85.

I'm assuming the age was mentioned in connection to her not travelling to see her grandson. Whereas I'm sure many 85 year old may find travelling long distances hard it certainly isn't true of all 85 year olds so a bit unfair to imply all 85 year old would find it hard.

On your AIBU not at all. Go NC and enjoy the peace.

Grumpelstilskin · 25/03/2019 15:51

@HopeIsNotAStrategy Are you on glue?!?

Original poster
TheFunkyFox · 28/03/2019 16:03

Corrrr so update.

Mil has been trying to win SIL over. She’s been constantly bitching about me behind my back, and hasn’t contacted me or Dh once 😂

She put a status on facebook declaring she’s cut out toxic people and she’s sooooooooooo much more happier now.

So we’ve both unfriended her, I feel like I need to say something to her.

She even sent sil money for Mother’s Day today 😂

OP posts:
HJWT · 28/03/2019 19:20

@TheFunkyFox just ignore her, she is trying to wind you up in the hope you will both come crawling back! My MIL is the same, she makes FIL stop speaking to us when they aren't even together absolute freak 🙄

HJWT · 28/03/2019 19:21

@TheFunkyFox trust me, you both getting on with your lives being happy and ignoring her will absolute f*ck with her head 😂

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