To think children improve your life

[gramh]

Don’t they?

Yes, that's a good way of putting it TapasForTwo!

As I said to someone yesterday - I always wanted kids and would've been gutted if I hadn't been able to have them - but it's only by having had them that I realise what a nice life I'd have had without them. I have had to give up so many adult pleasures since I had kids and I miss them. I miss eating out in nice restaurants. I miss morning sex. I miss spontaneity. I miss wandering round the shops. I miss lazy lie ins with the papers. I miss adult holidays where I can actually relax, rather than having to entertain my children somewhere else. It would appear that many parents don't really miss these things, but I really, really do.

Juneau, I do too! A lot!

How old were you when you became a parent RaeCJ82? I was 33 when DS1 was born and I think that's part of the problem. That and my pre-kids life was bloody great!

It does get better when they get older, but then teenagers bring a load of other problems. IMO they need you far more on an emotional level, which can be very draining.

Yes for me. My children have made my life better and also pushed me to do better in life.

Everybody's circumstances are different. Some people have a big support network, and don't have to give up on anything because family takes the kids.

Some kids are easier than others.

I love holidays with my children because it's the only time I can actually spend time with them properly and relax away from the school run and the boring day to day life. They are different from adults only holidays, but I had years of those and will have them back in a few years.

Other parents have no support whatsoever, kids who don't sleep and don't feel that mythical "maternal bond" from birth. So many women feel like failure because they don't feel that, when it's completely normal. Some people are happier without kids and much prefer an adult only life. Some mothers' bodies have been wrecked by giving birth and they suffer horribly for years, without much help.

No one can say that children are a positive or a negative for someone else.

Juneau, I was 34, so yes, age probably plays a part. We also don't have any family support and my mum died four years ago, so we don't ever get a break to just be us. I'm sure I'd feel a bit different if my mum was around to help.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum RaeCJ82. Our families are too far away to help much. My mum is great, to be fair to her, and when the shit hits the fan she's always been there to help out, but she's 100 miles away so it needs to be organised in advance or a real crisis. DH's family were always useless and they're OS now. I think having family help is a big factor and if you don't have it, then being on your own all the time is hard.

my children instantly ended my life as i knew it. they torpedoed everything and i am no longer the person i was.

my freedom was taken, some friends didnt stick around when i got "boring" and couldnt go out after 6pm or if my child was sick, my career got put on hold and everything suddenly revolved around night garden and trips to the dinosaur museum.

however they are the best thing that has ever happened and i now have a new life. im a new person. a much better person who thinks more about other people and is careful not to judge or be negative as i dont want my children to be. i get to see the world through their eyes. I get to do trips to Disneyland and theme parks. I get to watch harry potter DVDs and have duvet days. I have new friends that are mums and we have so much in common its unreal. we go on holidays together and day trips. we have lunches. My children are the most amazing little people EVER and i miss them when i have to go to work.

My life before children was amazing, I did whatever I wanted, when I wanted and for however long I wanted. Then I had my DS.
It has made me 100% a better person in many respects, it has shown me a happiness and a love I truly could never have imagined.

I am a less selfish person, less materialistic, more understanding, more confident in what I want out of life, I have more self confidence in my abilities (I still don't have patience for bullshit people ) and I think it just puts everything into perspective. Things that used to stress me out and keep me awake at night are just so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

I think because I had lived my life to the full before my DS I don't feel like I'm missing anything now. Having my DS has massively improved my life. ( Makes me a bit gushy. I can add more emotional and empathetic to certain things to the list as well)

They’ve made me a much better person. And just loving them so much as definitely improved my life. But there have been awful desperate times along the way

Yes, I think mine have. I had a lot of fun before I had kids, but I never experienced the moments of utter joy I do now.

It's the worst cliche, but my children's laughter is the most wonderful music I've ever heard and I just delight in their curiosity and innocence. I get more pleasure from feeling their warm little arms wrap around me than I ever felt before I became a mother.

Which isn't to say that some days they aren't world-class dickheads and I could quite cheerfully fake my own death and move to Belarus.

But they have enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined and I am so grateful for them.

@Amibeingnaive Which isn't to say that some days they aren't world-class dickheads and I could quite cheerfully fake my own death and move to Belarus

Sorry but this is fabulous, it made me laugh out loud.

No I dont agree. For me it hasnt.

How do you know what your life would be like without children?
People always compare their life with children, to their life without children - which is natural. But if I look at any 10 year span of my life, there have been real changes in my life.
I am in my late 50s, without children my life would still be very different from my 30s to my late 50s.
You also don't know how you might have spent the time you spent bringing up children. You might have spent that time watching TV. Or you might have spent that time emigrating to live abroad, or doing something amazing.
The truth is in life we take the decisions that seem best at the time, but we can never really know how it would have turned out if we had taken a different decision.

miss eating out in nice restaurants. I miss morning sex. I miss spontaneity. I miss wandering round the shops. I miss lazy lie ins with the papers. I miss adult holidays where I can actually relax, rather than having to entertain my children somewhere else. It would appear that many parents don't really miss these things, but I really, really do.

I really miss these things too (although I still go to nice restaurants). The hardest thing for me is the lack of spontaneity & all the planning as I’m not an organised person (outside of work) & not really sure I want to be. I’m lucky to have loads of help as family are very close but I still struggle.

I love my children more than anything & yes they bring me more joy than I imagined however they also bring more stress & worry than I ever imagined. I also don’t think you need to have children to have a fulfilled life.

learning to ride a bike, skateboard, go to theme parks, swimming, concerts, camping etc

Are these not things you learn/experience as a child & part of growing up?

learning to ride a bike, skateboard, go to theme parks, swimming, concerts, camping etc

I’d done all these things before the age of 8.

No, for me they have not. Life is constrained, stressful, an absolute chore and financially very difficult.

Yes for me. I love doing things with mine. But I am more tired, much poorer and life is far more inflexible. That said there are very few things I see the child free doing that I eye up enviously.

"learning to ride a bike, skateboard, go to theme parks, swimming, concerts, camping etc"

Having children doesn't mean you get to start to do those things. The only one we have done is swimming.

Having a child changes everything. Whether someone sees that as an improvement or otherwise is entirely dependent on what they ultimately want out of life. Who are you to state your personal opinions as facts?

I don't think anyone is algo. Although, it will be the fact for each individual.

I like this thread. It is truthful and balanced.

My DC are older now. One in Uni and one going next year. It's brilliant to know I can arrange nights out with my friends and not have to check whether DH is around to look after them.

We can go on date nights without needed a babysitter.

When they were younger, simple things needed thought. The early years with DC can be terribly stressful at times. Looking back, I remember bringing my first DC home from hospital and thinking... OMG... This little life is dependent on me and life as I knew it was over.
I'm glad those years are behind me.

My DC haven't given any trouble as teenagers... and besides untidy bedrooms... they're an absolute pleasure.

I haven't had to be on their backs to study and they do well academically.

Life is different with children, just like life is different with a partner. Neither of those two necessarily improve your life.. they make you have different life experiences.

I've got a relative going through the adoption process and I'm sure she thinks her life will be so much better with a DC... she's said there's an emptiness within her. I'm just waiting to see if she feels differently when she gets the matched DC... because all the travelling and other spontaneous stuff she does now won't be possible with a little one.

The thing is nobody can tell someone who can't have a DC it's not all it's cracked up to be, as they can get quite dismissive and upset. I told her and the response was... it's easy for you to say when you've got yours and that I couldn't possibly know what she was going through, as I'd never faced difficulty conceiving for a minute.

In some ways it does, in other ways it doesn't. I would say unless you are a very unselfish person, who doesn't mind always putting someone else's needs ahead of your own, then don't do it.

You also have to not mind lack of sleep, less money, losing your figure, juggling childcare/work, never having time to yourself, people telling you what to do, infinite stress and worry and constant guilt.

I suspect it's an issue of tone not translating well over text TapasForTwo - the OP's title plus "don't you" just comes across as incredibly condescending to me. I could be wrong, of course. Either way, I reread what I posted up there and I think it definitely sounds ruder than I intended it to be. Sorry!