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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for advice to be the perfect MIL at my son's wedding

132 replies

treehugger1 · 22/03/2019 14:41

My son has just got engaged to his very lovely girlfriend of three years. They are marrying next May. DH and I lover her to death and get on very well with her and her family. From this forum, I know that MILs can act badly and do the wrong things and be very annoying. I don't want to be that woman. I have already told my DS that it is their day and I don't want to interfere and won't offer unwanted advice unless I am asked. Can any recent brides tell me what I should and shouldn't do to make sure their day goes well?

OP posts:
JellyNo15 · 22/03/2019 21:26

Love this thread for future reference. My DS and his girlfriend have been together several years and have a darling baby. They plan to marry one day when time and money are spare.

I plan on being interested and only give an opinion if asked and then have plenty of diplomacy. DH and I will give a financial contribution with no string, just as we did for baby equipment and house warming gift. We had our turn so now it is their's.

I just love seeing them enjoy their lives and I am happy that he has such a wonderful relationship and I am happy that I am no longer the most important one in his life, that is how it should be. Doesnt stop him being the most import one in mine (equally with his brother and father. It will be amazing to watch him marry his lovely lady who has long been our family, married or not.

AnnaMagnani · 22/03/2019 21:35

Not all MIL are awful - well my DM is MIL to my DH and he has definitely struck gold Grin

Everytime we visit her it's 'I've baked a cake for my favourite son-in-law' and 'how is my favourite son-in-law?'

Gets spoilt bloody rotten that man does Wink

MintyCedric · 22/03/2019 21:37

Can't add much to all the great advice already given, but as one of those bitter and twisted DILs who thought her (now mercifully ex) MIL was the anti-Christ, I must admit there was one lively thing she did which has always stuck in my mind.

She sent my mum a bunch of flowers on the morning of our wedding, with a note about our families joining together and enjoying the day.

The joining of the families never really worked out, but I thought that was very unexpected and really lovely gesture.

Jsmith99 · 22/03/2019 21:40

Assuming it’s a traditional wedding, the groom’s family should understand and accept that it’s the bride’s day, she is the one who has dreamed about her wedding day since she was little, she will be the focus of attention and she is entitled to want things done her way, within reason. The groom’s role is a supporting one.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/03/2019 21:43

Jsmith99 do women/girls dream about their wedding day when they are little? Not me, I always found that concept very odd.

ladymariner · 22/03/2019 21:49

Today 21:40Jsmith99

Assuming it’s a traditional wedding, the groom’s family should understand and accept that it’s the bride’s day, she is the one who has dreamed about her wedding day since she was little, she will be the focus of attention and she is entitled to want things done her way, within reason. The groom’s role is a supporting one.

Absolute bollocks. Get back to the 1950's, they're missing you and your Barbie doll attitude!

Daisypie · 22/03/2019 22:03

Don't announce 6 months before the wedding that you know you will arrive late and everyone will look at you as you arrive.
Don't secretly take all the left over wedding cake away in your handbag never to be seen again.
Don't rush over to the bride and her cousins celebrating the only time they have all been together in a decade and push yourself to the front of their reunion photo. Saying 'oh I hate being photographed.'
Do at some point speak to the bride and say something pleasant.
My late m-i-l is missed but not for her social skills.

Laiste · 23/03/2019 08:24

I don't think you have to be an 'awful' person to make mistakes. All of us have put our foot in our mouths at least once in our lifetime, and very few people mean to hurt others, but social misunderstandings around weddings don't tend to be forgotten easily.

Those posters who are saying this is a good read and will bear it all in mind for the future are more likely to escape foot in mouth disease than those who believe they've no need to take any of it on board.

I've got 4 DDs. Two of them have long term boyfriends (7 years in one case) and i'm MIL to them. I read all the MIL threads and take note to make sure i'm not stamping on any son in law toes :)

BertrandRussell · 23/03/2019 08:30

I just wish people would read this thread imagining what it would fee like to be reading it as a prospective new Mil. I think I’d probably develop diplomatic noro virus and not go. Except that would probably be interpreted as “making it all about me”.......

Merryoldgoat · 23/03/2019 08:39

My MIL is wonderful (as is FIL).

The key will be to just maintain a good relationship with them and being helpful without being intrusive.

I wouldn’t have expected my MIL to clear her outfit with me, I was happy to hear her opinions, happy to have her help and she came dress shopping with me.

For some this would be too much regardless of how well they get on.

NaturalBornWoman · 23/03/2019 08:50

Don't wear white or black (my mil turned up wearing both).

So she wore black & white? Which is fine for a wedding.

MN brides, dm's and mil's are batshit. They are not the norm. If you have a good relationship already then just be yourself. There's no need to turn into a monster and absolutely no reason why you would. This

Clear any outfit with future DIL before purchasing it, just in case. definitely not this, since presumably you are an adult and capable of choosing your own clothes

BertrandRussell · 23/03/2019 09:01

“Don't wear white or black (my mil turned up wearing both).”

My fingers were itching over this gem- so pleased someone else noticed too.

FiveLittlePigs · 23/03/2019 09:09

Don't steamroll in and swear you can get a cheaper rate for the photos (you can but for far far less of a deal than we had been offered - thIs was a very good friend who was doing very low (actual cost to him only) mates rates and the resulting offence caused to him was immense)

Don't tell the bride ”oh you wouldn't know but weddings take a lot of planning” when the bride has spent hours and hours planning, organising and creating the day that the couple want.

Don't get drunk at the wedding (not reception, she was swigging from a hip flask in church!) and demand your daughter's fiance stands next to you in place of fil in photos.

Don't tell your new dil that ”I can see your dress was homemade” while flicking at a sleeve (the word is handmade btw)

Thurmanmurman · 23/03/2019 09:26

Just be yourself, you sound lovely. I hope you have a wonderful day.

tillytrotter1 · 23/03/2019 23:11

Definitely ask your fdil if she has any colour preferences for your outfit. I believe it's normal to refer to the bride's mum too and to allow her to get her dress first and then fit in with her.

Why should the bride's mother get first choice if indeed there's to be this stupid colour co-ordinated idea? Neither mother's more important than the other, whatever the perceived MN wisdom might be. That's what leads to many of the problems aired here especially when children come along. Treat both with equal respect. How many women seething at this would allow their husband to treat her mother as a second class parent?

SandAndSea · 24/03/2019 00:36

@tillytrotter1 - I'm not suggesting they need to be colour coordinated. But, it's probably considerate and sensible to liaise with each other, to ensure they're not wearing the same colours, unless they want to. I went to a wedding where someone accidentally matched the bridesmaids and consequently, felt very uncomfortable (though she looked great, she was unhappy). And I think we've all read numerous tales of mils wearing white or matching the bride in some way. The fact is, a bit of thoughtful communication on this issue goes a long way.

NaturalBornWoman · 24/03/2019 05:47

I went to a wedding where someone accidentally matched the bridesmaids and consequently, felt very uncomfortable

But avoiding that means asking what colour the bridesmaid's dresses are (if you don't already know Confused) which isn't the same as asking DIL if she has any colour preferences or what you're allowed to wear, or deferring to her mother.

Birdie6 · 24/03/2019 06:25

I've been a MIL and a mother of the bride. Mine went off really well ! The only advice I can give is -

  1. Ask the mother of the bride what she is wearing , and get something in a different colour but something that won't clash ! 2)Ask the bride if there is anything you can do to help. I got the job of ordering the drinks, since I have some knowledge about it ( and I was paying for them !) 3)Don't ask for your friends / family members to be invited unless they ask you for suggestions. It's their day and nobody elses.

Have a great time !

Justanothernameonthepage · 24/03/2019 06:45

Show interest but don't offer opinions. Be there on time (my mil turned up 30 mins late and was very put out that we hadn't waited). Don't insist on any member of the wedding party. Make sure to mingle as much as possible or at least sit looking vaguely happy. Don't get completely wasted. Don't get the bride's name wrong. Don't wear black.
Generally remember it's a celebration and try and find something to praise - even if it's not the type of wedding you'd have chosen.

feelingsinister · 24/03/2019 06:53

My MIL was fine before/during my wedding in fact I wouldn't have minded if she'd wanted to be a bit more involved.

My mother otoh was a fucking nightmare. Inviting her friends, full of opinions, acted like it was her day, interfered with the photos, caused an argument. 😄

bellabunny · 24/03/2019 07:31

This thread is stressing me out!
I have a 20 year old son if he ever gets married I would like to think that a few of our close family friends who have been a huge part of his life and who he enjoys spending time with ( holidays, celebrations etc) would be invited?
It appears to be only the bride that has a say in these things...

feelingsinister · 24/03/2019 07:45

@bellabunny it's for the bride and groom to decide the guest list so if they want them there and they can accommodate them then they'll be invited.

They shouldn't be invited because parents want them there.

RMogs · 24/03/2019 07:49

I love my MIL, really. She drives me crazy at times, but then so does my mum.
It sounds like you have a good relationship, so have a conversation with them together along the lines of: You are happy to help in anyway they need you, however you don't want to step on toes so you will wait to be asked...but please keep you updated with the plans as you are so happy and excited for them both.

My biggest issue was DH getting annoyed that he felt like I was leaving mil out when she wasn't invited to dress fittings etc...mil had no such issue and told him some things were mother/daughter times.

My mum and mil took me out for a days shopping to get their outfits, which was the most stressful part for me as we all hate shopping.

Hope you all have a great time xx

ILikTheBred · 24/03/2019 08:05

@bellabunny If you have a good relationship with your kids and are reasonable I. Your expectations you should be fine.

Seeing this as a chance to reciprocate 50 years of wedding invitations is not on however.

(Speaking from experience here!)

Originofstars · 24/03/2019 08:11

My sister deferred to her future daughter in law's mum when it came to choosing colours for wedding outfits. Not that there'd have likely been a clash, the mother wore a pastel two piece and my sister a jade green pencil dress with a peacock feather hat. Whilst my sister wasn't bothered I thought it a bit off that the mother of the bride was escorted up the aisle by a groomsman when everyone was seated, followed by bridesmaids then bride. Then again we're not big on tradition, my sister got married in a black mini dress and a top hat, 25 years ago Smile