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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for advice to be the perfect MIL at my son's wedding

132 replies

treehugger1 · 22/03/2019 14:41

My son has just got engaged to his very lovely girlfriend of three years. They are marrying next May. DH and I lover her to death and get on very well with her and her family. From this forum, I know that MILs can act badly and do the wrong things and be very annoying. I don't want to be that woman. I have already told my DS that it is their day and I don't want to interfere and won't offer unwanted advice unless I am asked. Can any recent brides tell me what I should and shouldn't do to make sure their day goes well?

OP posts:
ahtellthee · 22/03/2019 18:28

My PIL did absolutely nothing. Never asked how plans were, never offered to help, just turned up on the day. They offered us a pair of champagne flutes from Argos as a present.

Compared to my parents where my dad took DH to organisé suits (PIL refused to wear one), DM made my dress, DS and DN bridesmaid dress and our wedding cake, DB did my hair and neighbour drove us. And my parents offered to pay for the flowers.
MIl turned up wearing white.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 22/03/2019 18:29

To whomever asked about why the groom's DM needs to consult with the bride's DM on her outfit, it's because in the wedding hierarchy, the bride's mother trumps the groom's. Don't shoot the messenger, I didn't make the rules.

There's another one about hats - it's bad form for anyone to take off their hat before the mother of the bride. So don't do that either. Grin

JuniorAsparagus · 22/03/2019 18:38

My DS ' mother in law wore an outfit that had the same colour as the bridesmaids in it. I assumed she had prior knowledge of the colour and that DDiL was happy with it.Confused
I know someone whose mother and mother in law had chosen the same outfit. Luckily they found out before the wedding and the groom's mother took hers back and exchanged it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/03/2019 18:45

@JuniorAsparagus I am going to be the brides MIL I think I need to avoid matching the bridesmaid. Very excited, he's picked a great woman from a lovely family.

JuniorAsparagus · 22/03/2019 18:50

Looking at the photos of DS' wedding I do stand out like a sore thumb though!

AnnaMagnani · 22/03/2019 18:50

In terms of guest list - my MIL knew we were having a v small wedding at a v small venue. She also knew I had a v small family, much smaller than DH's as I am an only child, and v sadly my DDad died between our engagement and wedding. DH was inviting all his siblings, their spouses and children. I had, er, my mum.

So it was v much on the cards that I was always going to have different rules for family guests to DH - he was not going to have aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

We had also not asked for any financial contributions from either sets of parents - and did not know she was planning to make her 'very generous contribution'.

So it went down like a lead balloon when she kicked up a fuss about why couldn't she invite Aunty Mary who DH hadn't seen for 15 years, seeing as I was having x, y and z relatives.

Banhaha · 22/03/2019 19:34

I second the comments about checking which colours to avoid in your outfit. And if you are planning on making a financial contribution to the wedding tell them as soon as you are able as it will help them with budgeting.

PencereTencere · 22/03/2019 19:48

Please don't ask your son on the morning of his wedding if he's absolutely sure he wants to get married. Speaking from experience, it really sours things when it's discovered shortly after the wedding that the groom's mother has had a very serious discussion along these lines.

missymayhemsmum · 22/03/2019 20:05

Think through well in advance whether there are any issues on your side of the family, exes not speaking, ancient feuds, outspoken grandparents, alcoholic uncles, and have your son and dil's in managing these situations before they arise. Appoint minders if required.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 22/03/2019 20:14

I think you sound lovely. Maybe give your dil a recruiter and say how happy you are they are getting married and if there is anything you can do to let you know. And that you would like to help if she wants you too but you will also keep quite unless asked as you dont want do tread on anyone's feet. That way she knows if you aren't going on about it all the time you are interested. As although I wouldn't want my mil trying to take over I would like it that she was interested and I could ask her opinion on things as well as my own mum.

SandAndSea · 22/03/2019 20:16

OP, just to explain further what I meant, in case of any confusion... I'm not suggesting that you and the MOTB should match your outfits. It's more that you don't want to clash with each other. There may also (horrors!) be a theme which you need to consider.

Motherofcreek · 22/03/2019 20:19

Christ on a bike I’m glad I’ve got all girls!

Longdistance · 22/03/2019 20:22

Not all MIL are awful.

I love mine. She’s genuinely lovely and supportive. When it was our wedding day she conversed with my dm to make sure they weren’t wearing the same colour.

SarahAndQuack · 22/03/2019 20:25

OP, you sound lovely. I'm sure it will be fine!

FWIW, my ex-MIL did several of the things people say are 'wrong'. She didn't talk to me about colour schemes, and she didn't try to fall in with my plans for the schedule of speeches or dances. She turned up in a long, cream-coloured dress, which was very similar to mine.

However, she also gave a speech about welcoming me as a daughter, and the day before the wedding, when my own mum had a huge tantrum about something trivial, she gave me a huge hug. She and I don't speak the same language, and I had never met her before. I was married to her son for six years (separated for two), and one of the things I truly miss from that time is her, because she was just so lovely.

I know MN can make you think MILs and DILs are always enemies, but it isn't true. You want to make this a special day for your DIL and she will pick up on that, because the intention is there and it is sincere. Don't worry!

missyB1 · 22/03/2019 20:26

Honestly I’m glad I didn’t read this thread before ds got married! As for my outfit I paid for it so I was choosing it! I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling the bride or anyone else what to wear so I didn’t feel the need to ask permission to choose my own frock! Oh and didn’t bother with a hat at all. Luckily we are a down to earth family and ds and dil know I love and support them and that’s all that matters.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 20:26

“Not all MIL are awful”

Well I do hope not. Bearing in mind that most women over 60 are.....!

SarahAndQuack · 22/03/2019 20:27

Really, bertrand?

Not that it's the point of the thread, but I am surprised by that.

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 20:30

Well’ it was a guess. But most people are in relationships by the time they are 25/30 and most women have children by the time they 25/30 so logically, most women will be MILs by the time they are 50/60. Or am I missing something?

Verynice · 22/03/2019 20:38

I'd keep my nose out until I was asked really. Your ds is marrying the woman he loves. She is now the most important person in his life. Make sure you know your place.

Livvylovesgin · 22/03/2019 20:39

I sent my step DIL to be a surprise cheque in the post, towards her wedding dress. I have DS's and know I won't ever be buying a wedding dress.

The cheque was sent with no strings, I didn't go to buy the dress, I didn't see it beforehand ( SDIL asked if I wanted to, but I wanted to wait until she walked down the aisle).

It would have been nice to have had a photo of just me and her or at least a photo with my DP and the happy couple. It didn't happen, but I didn't ever say anything.

TheShuttle · 22/03/2019 20:44

OP, I really appreciated my mother-in-law-to-be telling me how happy she was that her son had found me and pleased to have such a good daughter-in-law.. She and father-in-law are not demonstrative types and it was a clearly genuine and frank declaration.

I've forgotten a few daft things she's said over the years but I will never forget that conversation!

ladymariner · 22/03/2019 20:57

Today 20:38Verynice

I'd keep my nose out until I was asked really. Your ds is marrying the woman he loves. She is now the most important person in his life. Make sure you know your place.

Well, aren't you just a little bundle of joy....I pity the poor sod who has you as a dil! 'Know your place'...really???

SarahAndQuack · 22/03/2019 21:06

bertrand - I don't know either. I believe (not sure) that something like 15 per cent of women never have children, and the average age for having a first child was mid-20s for current 60-year-olds, so it seems likely to me rather fewer than a majority of women of that age are MILs? I could very well be wrong, though. I was just interested.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 22/03/2019 21:12

Well I appear to have missed the mark. Sorry about that.

I've never been to a British wedding (and I've been to dozens) where the bridesmaids didn't follow the bride apart from one with very small flower girls who went on ahead.

Of course I realise that whilst it may be tradition it isn't the law and I would never presume to actually advise anyone on wedding etiquette anyway.

Cyw2018 · 22/03/2019 21:22

Not rtft, so these suggestions have probably already been made...

Work out any money you want to put forward to their wedding fund and offer it as a no strings attached gift.

Offer any particular skills you might have (cake making, flower arranging etc).

Clear any outfit with future DIL before purchasing it, just in case.

Show them that you are interested without imposing.