AIBU to ask for advice to be the perfect MIL at my son's wedding

[treehugger1]

My son has just got engaged to his very lovely girlfriend of three years. They are marrying next May. DH and I lover her to death and get on very well with her and her family. From this forum, I know that MILs can act badly and do the wrong things and be very annoying. I don't want to be that woman. I have already told my DS that it is their day and I don't want to interfere and won't offer unwanted advice unless I am asked. Can any recent brides tell me what I should and shouldn't do to make sure their day goes well?

MN brides, dm's and mil's are batshit. They are not the norm. If you have a good relationship already then just be yourself. There's no need to turn into a monster and absolutely no reason why you would.

It's not just her wedding, it's his too, the dm and the mil are equally important and, from what I can see from posts on mn, the dil frequently forgets that.

If you have a good relationship already your fdil obviously already likes you, so just be yourself.

My MIL (and FIL) passed away a couple of years before we got married, so my husband's aunt sort of stood in for MIL on our wedding day, as his closest relative from his parent's family. She was wonderful, she showed up on the day, looked lovely and happy, joined in, chatted to everyone, and was friendly and kind and warm, she also made a point of telling me how thrilled she was thay my husband had found someone, and that she'd never seen him so happy. She made us both cry, and truly made me feel very loved and welcomed into the family. If you can go for something like that your son and DIL will be more than happy I'm sure.

I have a horribly rude and controlling mil who I am now NC with because of her behaviour.

Years of it before we snapped. Looking back 16 years though one of the horrible things she felt entitled to say about part of our wedding arrangements(I had dreamed of having a horse drawn carriage since I was a little girl) and that was what we agreed to have, her "Is that no tacky???!!!!!"
Don't say that. Don't even think about spoiling any of their ideas.

If you have a good relationship with her just speak to her and ask what she'd like you to do?

@GreatDuckCookery Put up, shut and wear beige.

Ha ha you must have read this too Keep Your Mouth Shut And Wear Beige

If not I can recommend it.

The fact you're worried about it and posting means you'll be fine :)) it's the ones who do whatever they want and think nothing they're doing is wrong that aren't so great!

You sound like you'll be a lovely MIL

Show up in nice non-plain white/ivory outfit, be friendly to everyone and don’t get embarrassingly drunk.

I have troublesome PIL (NC now)

My advice would be to treat your adult son, and his adult wife like adults at all time. You may have a difference of opinion to them at times but they are allowed to have their opinion too. They are allowed to do things in a different way to you and you should respect that and celebrate that you raised a son to this independent point.

If you do that you should be fine.

Do not welcome her to the family by handing over the 'wimmin work' at the wedding reception, making your DIL responsible for all family birthday and Xmas cards and gifts which I never took onboard.

Do not insist on anything at the wedding. Not guests, not flowers, not anything.

Do not 'have words' with the bride at the reception (this was FIL, but MIL backed him) about how she'd better start behaving properly now, or she'll not be welcome in your family. It might limp on a bit, but eventually she might take you at your word...

But you sound great, and a bit like my Mum, who welcomes and accepts everyone. She worries about overstepping too but really doesn't. Just be happy for them, that's all they really need/want.

I've never heard of the mums wearing matching/similar outfits in my life?

It's more to make sure they don't - I hadn't really heard of it before I got married but my MIL asked if my mum could let her know when she'd picked her outfit so she didn't pick anything too similar. My mum went pinkish and MIL went blue.

Don’t send the bride photoshopped photos of her after the wedding where you’ve enhanced her make-up (made her look like she has big spider legs for eyelashes). To be fair this was my step-mother and not my MIL but still!

You sound fab BTW. Congratulations to all concerned and have fun!

Top tips:

Don't go out with your new DIL's mother the following day in the interests of getting to know one another and ask her if she thinks the marriage will last. My DM has never forgiven my MIL for this and probably never will.

Also don't make a surprise announcement of 'a very generous donation' to the wedding costs at the wedding, which when opened is actually less than the bride's mother has paid, who everyone knows is completely brassic, when you are completely loaded. It wasn't expected, or asked for, and neither was my DM's but saying it was 'very generous' when it honestly wasn't kind of spoilt it.

Finally don't sit moaning that 2 atheists aren't having a church wedding when you don't go to church either. Be proud that they aren't hypocrites.

I would be yourself, it sounds like you're already pretty sensitive. I would also talk directly to your DIL about things too, anticipating that she's likely to be taking the lead in organising.

And yes to a photo including your DIL up in your house (not you and your son only!)

My ex mother in law was and is always lovely, they may get a bad rap on here, but don't worry too much, just be yourself.

The people who spoil weddings are those who create a drama that means the day becomes about them and everyone ends up worrying what they will or won't like.

So I'd be enthusiastic, offer to help or pay for this or that, say how lovely all their wedding choices are, even if they're not to your taste, keep your lip buttoned if they go for the bejewelled owls delivering the rings and fifteen bridesmaids, even if they plan for a flashmob family dance or ask everyone to turn up in football mascot outfits or even worse, Elizabethan hose and doublet... smile and enjoy the day.

I am a newbie MIL! The best advice is definitely to triple check with dil what is wanted. Don't use your initiative. Any money offered shouldn't have strings. Be graceful and welcoming to her family. You sound thoughtful which is half the battle. Weddings are so different nowadays so try and keep an open mind about options. Keep smiling!

“The best advice is definitely to triple check with dil what is wanted“

Really? Wow. Proof positive that dils are the gatekeepers.

My MIL asked this of me and my mum and then went on to do the opposite of everything! Wore bright red, arrived 3 hours early and complained about it, complained her ex-husband wasn't on the top table and my sister was, complained she didn't like the food, was rude to my younger siblings, was very purposefully not looking at us for the whole day.

Sorry, the point of that is that if you have good intentions you'll be fine. Id ask what to wear (so your not matching the bridesmaids, and keeping in a similar colour palette) and then try and enjoy the day and make sure other guests are too. Make an effort with the other side, any small bumps can be forgiven. What would have been helpful to me on the day was someone to look after the gifts and keep the guest book circulating.

I kept out of ds wedding plans apart from contributing half the cost of the reception. I let dil and her mum arrange it all. I didn’t ask what to wear (I have no idea why people do that!) and I didn’t interfere in the guest list - or anything else. I turned up on the day and enjoyed myself.

My MIL to be invited her friends and extended family. Please don’t do this.
I asked how many people had she invited, then told her she would have to pay for these additional guests. She said she couldn’t afford it, I said neither could we and suggested she uninvite them, not me, her. Don’t get me wrong, we get on very well and she is lovely but sometimes . .

Only one tip from the treads I’ve seen here. If you are gifting them a present or money, it should really be handed over on the day or the latest, a week later?! Not left for months.😉

I've checked if they want me to avoid any colours so I don't end up accidentally matching the bridesmaids.

As an aside- i’ve never been married. Is it usual for the groom’s side not to have any say in the guest list?

I think just listening is great. Ask about the wedding and be pleased with all you hear. Offer help but don't insist on what it will be or be offended if the offer isn't acceptable. Don't volunteer opinions that aren't asked for.

Honestly though I'm sure those mil behaving badly wouldn't dream of writing your op because they'd be much more concerned about the wedding being what they wanted to worry about how fil might feel.

Anyone considerate enough to ask how not to be a mil from hell would never have been one in the first place.

Bertrand the groom would of course get to invite guests from his side of the family but it isn't normal for the family of the bride or groom to choose the guest list (Eg inviting their own friends).

A financial contribution is always welcome so long as no strings are attached.

If you say anything make sure it is positive.

Wear an outfit that is appropriate (don’t turn up in white prvreally underdressed for example).

Don’t demand certain guests are invited likewise don’t demand some aren’t.

Otherwise just try to remember that it isn’t about you and there is little you can do to make sure it goes well unless you are given a job.

“but it isn't normal for the family of the bride or groom to choose the guest list (Eg inviting their own friends).”

Yes of course- but somebody earlier in the thread advised the MIL-to-be “hands off the guest list”