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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for advice to be the perfect MIL at my son's wedding

132 replies

treehugger1 · 22/03/2019 14:41

My son has just got engaged to his very lovely girlfriend of three years. They are marrying next May. DH and I lover her to death and get on very well with her and her family. From this forum, I know that MILs can act badly and do the wrong things and be very annoying. I don't want to be that woman. I have already told my DS that it is their day and I don't want to interfere and won't offer unwanted advice unless I am asked. Can any recent brides tell me what I should and shouldn't do to make sure their day goes well?

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 22/03/2019 15:35

Yes exactly what Nuno has said - they might want your involvement, they may not, so just be really happy for them and take your cue from them.

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2019 15:37

I would disagree with some posters here re: asking the DIL about things, not the son.

I think it's setting the poor DIL for a lifetime of wifework to assume that only her say so counts for the wedding.

I got all sorts of queries directed at me from distant relatives of DH. I passed them on to him and got him to reply every single time. I had my own side to sort out.

Chocolateisfab · 22/03/2019 15:38

Don't ring the hire shop and try to change the pattern of tartan your ds has chosen for his kilt and you won't be uninvited...

Istandinpause · 22/03/2019 15:40

On the day, make a point at some time of giving her a hug and telling her how happy you are to welcome her into your family. None of my husband's family said a word to me on our wedding day and it was a bit upsetting.

AgentCooper · 22/03/2019 15:41

Bless you, the fact that you’re even asking suggests you are a nice MIL and it’ll be grand. Basically, I’d just leave them to it, make sure they know you’re here to help if needed but it’s their day.

And on the day enjoy yourself! Have fun and be friendly to your DIL’s family and friends. My FIL pretty much didn’t speak to anyone outside his immediate family on our wedding day, sat and looked bored and had to order off the kids’ menu (in advance, fortunately) as he didn’t like the sound of the main options. This was all completely expected but it still rankled a bit when my MIL and all my family made an effort to introduce themselves and not complain about everything.

anniehm · 22/03/2019 15:42

Be excited but not obsessive, ask what you can do to help but don't push it, you could offer to help pay for a certain thing(s) or a set amount but don't attach strings. Most of all offer your congratulations!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2019 15:43

I don’t think there’s any point asking other brides what you should and shouldn’t do as every woman is different. Some will be ok having their MIL involved in the wedding planning and others will not. Just be guided by your DILs personality and go from there.
Don’t forget it’s your sons wedding too.

anniehm · 22/03/2019 15:44

Oh and (I'm sure this isn't the case) don't moan about paying for a cheap hotel room when her parents have paid for everything else! Yes mine complained about spend £40 on a travellodge despite her drinking in excess of that as it was a free bar!

Bubblysqueak · 22/03/2019 15:44

Don't wear white or black (my mil turned up wearing both).

CrabbitCrone · 22/03/2019 15:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DontCallMeCharlotte · 22/03/2019 15:45

- That I should walk down the aisle before my bridesmaids

And they would be right?

Caticorn · 22/03/2019 15:48

Remember they are both adults! Sounds obvious, I know, but my MIL caused us some problems because she treated us like we were 16 and playing at weddings! I think the problem was that although we are the same age, we were at different life stages. I had lived independently for 5 years, while DH was still sharing a room with his younger brother. His youngest brothers were still children, so MIL could not get her head round the fact that we were adults, despite us being early 20s.
She's a lovely woman, and I wouldn't actually say she was overly controlling... just too 'motherly'!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2019 15:49

Don't make comments about the bride's breasts, and preferably don't grope them either. Don't ask to see her in her underwear. Don't make crass comments about sex. Don't ridicule the bride's family loudly and within earshot. Try not to treat the wedding as an Old Firm game, and avoid giving the impression you would like to start a sectarian riot. HTH

Seems a bit extreme. Oh is this what happened to you. Hardly helpful to the nervous MIL Confused

Verynice · 22/03/2019 15:49

@CrabbitCrone Please elaborate on the sectarian riot? Grin

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/03/2019 15:49

Mine was not a very good mother but in the run up to our wedding she managed to be perfect: she asked if there was anything she could do; took "no thanks, we're fine" as an asnwer. Later she offered to keep my wedding dress for me, have the last fitting at hers, so no one would see the dress. She found a great hineymoon for us, and, just as we were about to hire a car to drive round France in, added her son/stbDH to her insurance and lent us hers!

She also had a very quiet word when BIL got married, apologising as she was in a better financial positon and able to give him cash towards his Sandal Honeymoon Resort honeymoon, which she hadn't done for us. She also took a hug and "No problem!" as the end of that matter.

She had her moments Smile

Caticorn · 22/03/2019 15:51

Dontcallmecharlotte....why are they right? It's up to the bride and groom what they do.

MeredithGrey1 · 22/03/2019 15:51

Hands off the guest list. I'm getting married in two weeks, and we're having such a small wedding (registry office, just our parents and a few close friends, lunch at a high street restaurant afterwards) and my mother is throwing a tantrum about the people we're not inviting. Never mind the fact that its not what we want, if we invited siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins like she wants, my side of the family alone would be 50+ people, turning into a totally different wedding (and much more expensive).

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2019 15:54

Don't do what Charlotte (ignoring the DontCallMeNow Grin) did.

Traditions are meaningless unless you want them to be, and there's no right or wrong.

RavenLG · 22/03/2019 15:56

- That I should walk down the aisle before my bridesmaids
And they would be right?

No they wouldn't. Not their wedding, not their right / wrong. Tradition may say a certain order is correct, but it's not wrong to deviate.

You've had a lot of good advice OP. I adore my future MIL and so far she has been great. Asks questions but doesn't give snarky opinions, only offers genuine advice (she's a worrier). I think generally asking not telling is most appreciated.

MorrisZapp · 22/03/2019 15:57

Wear a top hat. Start drinking early. Text your friends during the ceremony. Learn a new dance, and showcase it. Complain loudly about vegans. Smoke in the doorway.

That's what I plan to do if my eight year old ever marries in the future.

Original poster
treehugger1 · 22/03/2019 15:57

Thank you everyone. I don't think it sounds too difficult. I'll offer to help in any way they want me to, and then keep my beak out. Very useful to know that I should let the MoB choose her outfit and then co-ordinate with that. I wouldn't have thought of that. I can't wait actually - I know it will be a fabulous day and party, and I can just turn up and enjoy myself with no stress and worry!

PS we are offering to pay for 1/3 of it.

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 22/03/2019 16:04

I've never heard of the mums wearing matching/similar outfits in my life?

OutInTheCountry · 22/03/2019 16:05

How lovely that you're thinking about it now.

The main advice I think would be not to hire a surprise chimney sweep to dance around them - there was a post on here once about it, the bride was really upset, I hope she can see the funny side of it now, it still makes me chuckle.

OutInTheCountry · 22/03/2019 16:07

Chimney sweep thread.......
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3323463-Mil-hijacking-wedding

Taffeta · 22/03/2019 16:11

I hear all the "stay out of it" comments and agree that an opinionated overbearing MIL would be hideous.

Offering an alternative POV, my MIL is the opposite. Never calls, never puts pressure on us to do anything, comes round when we invite her. But I feel like she doesn't really care because of this, so do be aware of going too far the other way.

I like MIL but nothing beyond that.