DP asking me to not go on night out

[dodies]

I have a very close work team as there's not many of us. I've only been out with them twice this year so far, but I've never really been out before starting work with them and I'm really enjoying having that bit of life to myself after being a SAHM.
So I've been out with them twice this year and then when DM has had DS, have had about four/five 'date nights' with DP so far (including spending time together every night after DS goes to bed).
We all arranged to go out next weekend. Our team is predominantly males, and it's usually just me and another girl on nights out. She's actually away next weekend but there's a good few still going out.
Since hearing that there's most likely no other women going out, he's started asking me 'nicely' not to go. Trying to guilt me by saying that I never spend time with him and always prioritise going out with 'randomers'. He even said that he didn't trust me (and then backtracked).

AIBU to still go out of principle? To me, it wouldn't even cross his mind that he wanted time with me and I was prioritising work friends if it was just me and a female colleague.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable though!

@dramallama
Seriously? You take your DH to works nights out? That's pathetic, it's for employees not their partners.

Yes of course but then so do most of the others too. It's the norm for us, I'd find it weird and rude not to invite dh to a work do.

“Yes of course but then so do most of the others too. It's the norm for us”

Ah. Yes, some workplaces do this. Others don’t. This one doesn’t.

Yes of course but then so do most of the others too. It's the norm for us, I'd find it weird and rude not to invite dh to a work do.

And I would find it beyond weird to take my partner to go along on a work night. How dull sitting listening to a bunch of strangers talking shop and sharing in-jokes

I'd never go out with colleagues without dh, i feel it's just rude

Why is that rude?

How is it rude? Mine would never be invited or more to the point, want to come and I have abosutely no desire to go to his nights out

I think this is similar to another long thread with clingy insecure wifeys that are joined at the hip to their 'hubby' and can't bear to be parted from him.

@chanadier very good point.
Having a moment of unreasonableness in a relationship doesn't automatically equate to abusive controlling arsehole like I think some believe. I know I've done/said things to DH before that would be seen as unreasonable. I'm not a twat though!

First of all, good for you having some time for yourself!
I work predominantly with a team of guys, so I'm often the only women on team nights out/business trips. DH doesn't bat an eyelid. IMO its unfair that DH has made you feel awkward about this. Its really healthy to have different social nights out from each other and to not live in each other's pockets. I love my independence

I think he's being unpleasant and controlling.

I've also never enquired about the gender mix of dp's work nights out, because it just isn't relevant.

I guess when you have kids and nights out are scarce, a work night out is still a night out. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🍷 lol. That's why.

Maybe it's the combination of these 2: a) it's the weekend, i.e. the time you'd spend with him (unless he works shifts?) and b) all blokes evening.

Has he showed any controlling behaviour before? Would he stop doing something if you say it hurts/upsets you, or will be dismissive? Does he ever sulk/give you a silent treatment?

If I were you, I'd give him a benefit of the doubt. Maybe I'm just more tolerant of jealousy than most people. I'd talk to him, get it out what exactly he fears from this evening. If he's a good chap, I'd possibly agree on not going out with all men during a weekend, but a drink after work in a work week - and no fault if the other woman doesn't turn up - is ok.

Still don't know why it's rude not to invite him? He can always go out with his friends another night....that's what most people do. Have a mix of nights out together and nights out apart.

Very good advice from @bloodydisgrace

Given that the DH had no issue with the night out until he realised OP would be the only woman there, it's clear he has a trust issue.

This makes it his issue to solve, not the OP's. I don't agree that she should modify her behaviour to placate him. It's often said that controlling behaviours manifest or ramp up during pregnancy and the period after, so I'd wonder if this was the case here.

I'm still holding out for someone to explain why a single member of the same sex as your partner makes a difference.

It's difficult to get his head around his dp not only going back to work, but then having 2 nights out with them already this year (it's only March)
What a bizarre statement! He's having trouble getting his head around to going back to work! 🤣🤣seriously!!!

And good grief she's has already been out twice its March!!

I'm shaking my head at the crap that is on here!!!

My dp doesn't go out that often with work, but if he did, I'd be a bit hmm too. Partly the money being spent, partly jealous that I'm not out, partly worried about 'other women', partly sitting home alone whilst my dp is out having fun. And yes, whenever I worry about my dp, it is more about other women throwing themselves at him, not the other way round. I don't like the idea, even if he doesn't do anything with them.
This is just bonkers.
Why can't your Dh have fun on a night out snd you have fun when you go out ordo you only go out with each other? Have you got no friends were you can go and relax and have a night out or would you expect your Dh to say no, you are not fhaving fun without me!!

Tell you what though, your DH must be uber amazing if all these women want to throw themselves at him! How can he resist. ....oh wait! He can!

ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere

I'd never go out with colleagues without dh, i feel it's just rude

Another post I scratching my head at! Why on earth is it rude.
I would never ask Dp to come on our works night out. For a start no one else does so straight away there is a weird dynamic going on. On nights out we always say we won't talk shop but we usually do do that would exclude Dp. There are a little in jokes or references that would also exclude Dp so that would be uncomfortable. I think in some cases it is more rude to take Dp unless it's an invite to all partners ( which we do sometimes)

There is nothing worse than someone bringing their husband/wife or partner along to a work night out. The conversation is all stilted because you don't have a common bond. It does look desperate too. In some of my past jobs we have had Christmas nights that included partners and thats fair enough. Not casual drinks though. It spoils the evening. I'm self employed now so don't get to socialise in a work manner. However, my two friends of 20+ years are coming over for food and drinks. They are former colleagues (aka 'randoms')

Many years ago we had a works night out and we all assumed it was just for colleagues as it always had been. The manager turned up with her ' friend ' who she claimed was her husband and the deputy turned up with his ' friend ' who he claimed was his wife. Only they weren't. The pair of them were having an affair and went on double dates with their lovers and got so cocky they thought they could get away with it on a works do!!

The amount of cheek that they thought they could get away with it was amazing!
Just thought I'd share that because I'm still stunned about 15 years later!

It totally depends on the evening.

If partners of employees are explicitly invited and other colleague's are bringing there's I'd say it was a bit strange not to pass the invite along to your own DH/DP.

However, I've found it much more the 'norm' in workplaces that partners do not attend work events or are not invited to them and I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.

Their's*

There is nothing worse than someone bringing their husband/wife or partner along to a work night out

Seriously. It makes you look like that weird evangelical Mike Pence couple who aren't allowed to do anything separately lest you Stray Into Sin, or else a basket case of insecurity. Also it just changes the dynamic and is awkward.

If my husband was asking me not to go on one occasion for this reason I would literally rather keep him happy than my work friends or myself. Thatms a marriage isn’t it? To put the other one first where it matters. He is clearly uncomfotable so why are you making it worse by digging your heels in? He hasn’t told you you’re not going, he has asked. Don’t bruise his ego by making him say the real reason as to why he doesn’t want you to go. He is uncomfortable. If you go prepare for him to feel worried all night. Would you really want to do that to him?

sorry it very much depends on his reasons. If it's because they've not seen each other for a while or they are overdue some alone time then fair enough.
However, if it's because he has misogynistic views or is jealous and insecure then I don't think she should cancel. Where does it end? What if he had issues with her speaking to men? Dressing in a particular way? Should she do as he asks to save his feelings??