Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking me to not go on night out

135 replies

dodies · 22/03/2019 09:08

I have a very close work team as there's not many of us. I've only been out with them twice this year so far, but I've never really been out before starting work with them and I'm really enjoying having that bit of life to myself after being a SAHM.
So I've been out with them twice this year and then when DM has had DS, have had about four/five 'date nights' with DP so far (including spending time together every night after DS goes to bed).
We all arranged to go out next weekend. Our team is predominantly males, and it's usually just me and another girl on nights out. She's actually away next weekend but there's a good few still going out.
Since hearing that there's most likely no other women going out, he's started asking me 'nicely' not to go. Trying to guilt me by saying that I never spend time with him and always prioritise going out with 'randomers'. He even said that he didn't trust me (and then backtracked).

AIBU to still go out of principle? To me, it wouldn't even cross his mind that he wanted time with me and I was prioritising work friends if it was just me and a female colleague.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable though!

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 22/03/2019 10:41

Controlling/coercive/abusive behaviour often starts during pregnancy/after DC arrive. It's better to be wary at this point, and hopefully you are able to nip this in the bud now. Otherwise this may be simply the beginning of it.

If you want to go, you absolutely should.

Kaddm · 22/03/2019 10:42

I have to say I’d be miffed if my dh chose to spend time at the weekend going out with random work colleagues instead of being with me and the kids and the dog - not only that but dealing with all the responsibilities of family life and leaving them to someone else. Me or a grandparent, doesn’t really matter. It’s fine from time to time but I wonder why you want to go out so much with randoms and exactly what fun/happiness you get from it.

Annasgirl · 22/03/2019 10:45

Wow I cannot believe the insecurity of women on this thread. My DH has always worked in a female dominated industry and he is always the only man on his nights out - even in the height of my PND I never ever worried about this.

Similarly, I have worked in two male dominated industries where I was the only woman on a night out - my DH is my DH because he never had an issue with this.

Really, this is about not trusting your partners, being insecure and jealous and it is not an attractive trait in a man or a woman.

OP you are just back to work after being a SAHM - huge congratulations and well done to you - usually all the posters on here would be delighted that you managed to get out and contribute financially to your family and stop sponging off your DH (I am a SAHM!!). but as soon as you show any sign of enjoying your new life, well, back in your box.

Talk to your DH and explain that you want to go out and also that you are not about to run away, suggest he have his own night out with friends and then go and enjoy.

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 10:51

kaddm she's been out twice this year. It's hardly every weekend!! Do you never plan anything without your DH,kids and dog?

BitchQueen90 · 22/03/2019 10:54

GCAcademic what an odd way of thinking. So do you never socialise with friends at the weekend? Once a month is 12 times a year. That's nothing.

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 10:57

merry why I'd it difficult for him to get his head around her going back to work? Would anyone ever say that about a man?

It is normal for people to go out with and spend time away from their families. It doesn't mean they are shirking their family responsibilities. It's good to have a break and have fun! Some people consider work colleagues friends and that can spill over into a weekend - there is nothing wrong with that.
Just because you get married and have kids doesn't mean you have to stop having a life!!

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 10:59

GCAcademic do you only spend time with you family at weekends? Do you never go out with friends?

CountessVonBoobs · 22/03/2019 10:59

I'd missed the weekend angle, but I still don't think it's an issue. I'm having brunch with an ex-colleague this weekend, without the kids and DH. She happens to be female, but then again, I AM bi. I guess DH should have banned me from catching up with this woman at the principal time that suits us both, because he OWNS my weekends.

Also, I think it's pretty clear that the weekend issue isn't why her DP is bothered. He was fine with it until he learnt OP was the only woman.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 22/03/2019 11:05

Some folk are just more confident in their menfolk than others I suppose and even though I have the utmost faith in DH I would still feel a bit uncool about him going on a night out with 100% women but here’s what:

  • it’s me being a bit of a divvy
  • I can’t project my own weird quirks on him
  • there is no basis for me to feel like this
  • it’s just my propensity to catastophise creeping in

On that basis I wouldn’t say anything to my DH as why should I make him feel shit for the flawed logic my anxious brain throws up?

To hold you to account for this is a controlling move, OP. That’s not right.

Has he been like this before?

HolyForkingShirt · 22/03/2019 11:07

@MerryMarigold, seems like the reason your partner doesn't go out much is because you're quite controlling. All the stuff you said is not normal. It's not normal to be jealous that you're not out when your partner is out! (I actually love it because I get the flat to myself lol)

As for the "weekends should be for family only"....dear god

Wild123 · 22/03/2019 11:08

I am an office manager to all males.. my OH openly hates me working here but i love my job and I will not give it up because of his insecurities.

We have been on a few nights out and despite how he feels has kissed me good night and told me to have a good night!

I would definitely go but acknowledge his feelings and agree to keep in touch and be home by a certain time. I don't know what he thinks could happen on a night out that if you wanted it to couldn't already happen at work!

GCAcademic · 22/03/2019 11:13

GCAcademic do you only spend time with you family at weekends? Do you never go out with friends?

I do go out with friends. But not with work colleagues. I spend all week with these people and see far more of them than my own family, so I really don't understand why I would then choose to see them on the weekend as well. And I'd be pissed off if my partner did that.

GCAcademic · 22/03/2019 11:18

GCAcademic what an odd way of thinking. So do you never socialise with friends at the weekend? Once a month is 12 times a year. That's nothing.

As above, I was talking about socialising with work colleagues at the weekend. Not friends. Sorry that wasn't clear.

HolyForkingShirt · 22/03/2019 11:18

@GCAcademic, that's just you.

My old work colleagues have become my good friends, we meet up for board games nights/coffee and so on. They're actually the only friends I've made in the town I live in. Of course I would meet up with them on weekends - just because you work(ed) together doesn't mean you're going to talk about work all the time...

MyFavouriteDress1 · 22/03/2019 11:18

My ex was like this. Seriously, your DP has a jealousy problem IMHO. It won't change.

Passing4Human · 22/03/2019 11:23

It's ok to feel a bit insecure as long as you know the problem is with you and your insecurities and not your partner. It is definitely not ok to try and stop them having a social life because of your insecurities. You should definitely go and have fun OP.

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 11:24

GCAcademic but some people consider colleagues to be friends. Surely you can understand that?

blubblubblub · 22/03/2019 11:28

It's not as though he doesn't let you out of the house or socialise. He's obviously insecure. Even though he has no reason to doubt your intentions on going out or question his trust in you, he's uncomfortable with this night. If the night out is important to you, then go, but if it's just another night, is going out and making a point that you can't be controlled more important than your husband's feelings?

SoupDragon · 22/03/2019 11:31

PMSL at some of the responses which ar the complete opposite of those which would have been posted if the sexes were reversed.

Funny how it's "controlling" when the male partner doesn't want the female one going on an otherwise all male night out. Notsomuch when a wife doesn't want her DH going out with female colleagues, then it's all perfectly reasonable because obviously he's going to have an affair with one of them.

Adam3322 · 22/03/2019 11:34

Its a tough one but i wouldnt say he dose not trust you id say its more you going out with a group of men and its them he xidnt trust, would yoy be happy with him going out for drinks etc with a group of women?

CountessVonBoobs · 22/03/2019 11:35

Funny how it's "controlling" when the male partner doesn't want the female one going on an otherwise all male night out. Notsomuch when a wife doesn't want her DH going out with female colleagues, then it's all perfectly reasonable because obviously he's going to have an affair with one of them.

Mine would be, and is, the same. Both are controlling. This place isn't a hivemind. And I disagree, vigorously and often, when people get controlling about their DHs going out with female colleagues. Feel free to AS my name to confirm.

GCAcademic · 22/03/2019 11:36

HolyForkingShirt - I doubt it's just me, there must be other people who don't want to socialise with work colleagues, and draw a line between work and their free time!

ContanzaG - I understand that some people might feel like that, of course. But I have a job that already encroaches significantly into my free time (DH too) and the last thing I want is for that precious free time to be further taken up by seeing work colleagues at the weekend.

Perhaps I am just odd - it wouldn't be the first time, someone's come to that conclusion!

Sorry, OP, I feel I've derailed things a bit as this doesn't have much to do with the root of your problem, which is your husband's jealousy and lack of trust. While I personally wouldn't want to go out with colleagues at the weekend, I almost certainly would in this case simply because I would refuse to give in to jealousy.

Cath2907 · 22/03/2019 11:36

I travel for work a lot and pretty much always with men. I stay in the same hotels as male colleagues, I eat meals and go to the bar with male colleagues. I would never and have never even thought about cheating with them. They are mainly married. We discuss work and our families or hobbies. My husband never batted an eyelid. He used to be a SAHD and went out most days with a group of mums. It never occurred to me for a second that there was anything untoward going on.

I think you need to have a long discussion about trust with your husband (and then go out with your friends!) And for those who think it is somehow a bit "dangerous" to be out with a group of male work colleagues - shame on you! They are not suddenly going to get all rapey because there is only one woman present and they had a pint of lager!

CountessVonBoobs · 22/03/2019 11:37

Its a tough one but i wouldnt say he dose not trust you id say its more you going out with a group of men and its them he xidnt trust

Could one of the people posting this explain exactly what they mean by "it's them he didn't trust", and what would be the problem with that if he does trust the OP? Unless what he means is they might rape her without another woman there to... broadcast magical anti-rape vibes?

CostanzaG · 22/03/2019 11:38

My response would be exactly the same soupdragon....in fact it is. My DH works in a female dominated industry and I've never had an issue with him going out with his colleagues. He's known most of them longer than me!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.