DP asking me to not go on night out

[dodies]

I have a very close work team as there's not many of us. I've only been out with them twice this year so far, but I've never really been out before starting work with them and I'm really enjoying having that bit of life to myself after being a SAHM.
So I've been out with them twice this year and then when DM has had DS, have had about four/five 'date nights' with DP so far (including spending time together every night after DS goes to bed).
We all arranged to go out next weekend. Our team is predominantly males, and it's usually just me and another girl on nights out. She's actually away next weekend but there's a good few still going out.
Since hearing that there's most likely no other women going out, he's started asking me 'nicely' not to go. Trying to guilt me by saying that I never spend time with him and always prioritise going out with 'randomers'. He even said that he didn't trust me (and then backtracked).

AIBU to still go out of principle? To me, it wouldn't even cross his mind that he wanted time with me and I was prioritising work friends if it was just me and a female colleague.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable though!

The question is - would he have any issues if you were going out with a group of women.
If it was just that you're going out and not spending time with him then he wouldn't have mentioned trust ( even if he did back track)

My DH works in a predominantly female environment. He always has and his closest work colleague is female. But I trust him and have no issues with him going out with them

@AmIRightOrAMeringue

It's normal for a lot of people to feel slightly off about their partner going out with a big group of the opposite sex

Says who?! Not me or my DH that's for sure!

I work in construction, I go on work nights out every couple of months and I'm usually the only woman. My DP has no issue with this whatsoever

hes being a twat go out if he doesnt trust you he has the problem

I'd guess that it's not that he doesn't trust you but he doesn't trust the other men
Nonsense.

We're only 3 months into the year. 3 nights out by yourself and 4/5 date nights is pretty good going - about what me and my husband have managed tbf, and we don't have kids!

he's not unreasonable to be dubious about a group of presumably youngish men under the influence of alcohol

So, just to be clear, you think, and he thinks, that OP's work colleagues might rape or assault her?

If they're minded to do so, I don't think the presence of one other woman is going to stop them.

I think he wants a lads night out.

He's a jealous twatbag
Go out and have fun

Would you be happy for him to go out as the only male with a big group of women? If the answer if yes then go, if the answer is no then don’t go.

I think there's other stuff going on here. The dp obviously feels a bit sidelined. It's difficult to get his head around his dp not only going back to work, but then having 2 nights out with them already this year (it's only March). How strong is your marriage in other ways, OP. Would you say you feel close to your dp? Does he feel very secure about you?

My dp doesn't go out that often with work, but if he did, I'd be a bit too. Partly the money being spent, partly jealous that I'm not out, partly worried about 'other women', partly sitting home alone whilst my dp is out having fun. And yes, whenever I worry about my dp, it is more about other women throwing themselves at him, not the other way round. I don't like the idea, even if he doesn't do anything with them.

I think you can choose to 'make a point'. But if your marriage is about that all the time, it's not going to last very long more. You wouldn't like it if he did something that made you unhappy just 'out of principle' (what is the principle anyway?). The strongest marriages are about acknowledging each others' weaknesses/ insecurities, bearing with them, having compassion, and meeting each others' needs. If he never let you go out, that's one thing, but I think if he's asked nicely in this one scenario, that's another thing.

I'd say, "I really want to go, but if you don't want me to go this time, I won't go. However, I will be going on the next one."

We have very few men where I work but the other senior manager in my team is male. We often go for a drink after work to discuss work stuff and to have a bit of a gossip and we also text. We are both married and there is nothing and never will be anything between us. If my DH had a problem with this I would tell him to take a running jump.

I'd guess that it's not that he doesn't trust you but he doesn't trust the other men

This is a cop out. To follow this through logically only 1 of 5 things can happen...

1. Nothing
2. Someone takes a fancy to the OP and tries to make a pass that she rejects. No harm done.
3. Someone takes a fancy to the OP and tries to make a pass that she accepts and reciprocates. It is her that cannot be trusted.
4. The OP takes a fancy to someone and makes a pass. It is her that cannot be trusted.
5. Someone tries to assault the OP.

In the first 4, she has ultimate control and choice and so it is her trustworthiness that determines whether she cheats or not. The last one is a safety issue. Not an issue of trust.

To say he doesn't trust other men is just window dressing for his lack of trust for her.

I’d go. I assume the dp has had regular nights out while the op has been at home and being the only woman would be pretty normal for me. I’m also starting back at work soon after mat leave and baby has just started formula- I am absolutely prioritising my going out time over my dhs after all this time and he knows that!

He is very unreasonable and you should defo go to nip it in the bud.

Also anyone who uses the word "randomers" deserves great scorn.

Lack of trust can be dangerous from a previous relationship though, my DP is completely trustworthy however I still get a bit panicky when he goes out because my ex was unfaithful and it hurt so much that I am now scarred.

Dangerous? That is a rogue word

FriarTuck. I'd guess that it's not that he doesn't trust you but he doesn't trust the other men (who presumably he doesn't know or doesn't know well) particularly when it's all of them and just one woman. YANBU to go but he's not unreasonable to be dubious about a group of presumably youngish men under the influence of alcohol - after all, he's been there. Just be reassuring - it doesn't hurt to acknowledge someone else' feelings even if you disagree with them

So, you’re suggesting they’re going to rape her? Because if not, trusting her to say ‘No’ to any of them coming on to her is the only thing required.

It's difficult to get his head around his dp not only going back to work, but then having 2 nights out with them already this year (it's only March).

Why would it be difficult to get your head around your DP going back to work?

And why would 2 nights out in 3 months be remarkable? 2 nights out in a week is not that unusual for many people.

If he’s only like this purely because it’s a group of men you’re going out with then he is being unreasonable.

If he doesn’t have the same kind of social scene with his work and is generally feeling a bit left out and this is how it’s come out, then i’d have a bit more sympathy. Does he go out with his friends/ have the same amount of time to do things for himself? Why don’t you go out on your date nights? Is it both your choice or would he like to go out?

Dear lord. Of course you should go. If he's jealous because his workplace isn't as sociable, tell him to organise something.

“Being totally honest and holding my hands up to my insecurities I have to admit I wouldn't like it if my OH was going out with a group of women from his office who I didn't really know.”

Completely agree.

Me too, sorry.

Of course he’s being unreasonable. You spend plenty of time together as a couple and it’s important that both of you maintain connections rather than rely solely on each other. The strongest and happiest couples I know are those who have broad, rich social lives and friendships and interests outside of each other, not those who live in each other’s pockets.

He’s basically saying he doesn’t trust you not to cheat, probably because he knows he’d cheat himself. I’ve always wondered what bisexual people do, if their partner is so insecure that they don’t like them socialising with anyone who they could possibly be sexually attracted to. Are they just expected to have no friends of either sex and never socialise without their partner, just in case?

My dp doesn't go out that often with work, but if he did, I'd be a bit hmm too. Partly the money being spent, partly jealous that I'm not out, partly worried about 'other women', partly sitting home alone whilst my dp is out having fun. And yes, whenever I worry about my dp, it is more about other women throwing themselves at him, not the other way round. I don't like the idea, even if he doesn't do anything with them.

you need help merrymarigold, this is not healthy at all.

I think it's odd going out with colleagues at the weekend. You've been, presumably, at work with these people all week, surely the weekend is for spending with your family / partner? I wouldn't like it at all if this was happening once a month in my relationship, nothing to do with sexual jealousy.